I write this now because I won’t be able to write it in nine days. Your birthday is coming up. Twenty-Three. I met a friend of yours. She was probably googling your name and my blog came up. She seems nice. I think you mentioned her before. She reminded me of the memories of you quizzing and your family and your faith and I don’t know who she is or what she looks like or if she’s tall but I wanted to find her in the world and hug her and say, “Do you feel it too?”
I think the things I do now are because I’m scared. I should stop saying that I think.
This is what I want to say.
You did a number on me. You altered something in my heart. And…even though this is a clinical case written in every book…I don’t want anyone else to be where you were.
I say I like to flirt and that I don’t want a relationship because I can’t give it what it would need right now. I can be a tease and keep them guessing. And while all that is true to a point….it seems to go back to you. I just don’t want anyone to be where you were.
I can’t put it into words James. I wish I could plaster my heart all over this electronic paper, so that someone could possibly understand. But the words aren’t there. No one was there. No one was there that night in the chapel. No one but you could ever understand what happened between us. We connected.
You yelled at God for me. No one had ever done that before. They saw my story and felt sad and said a prayer for me. But you yelled at God and asked him, “Just what the fuck did he think he was doing and why did he think this could ever be okay.” I was headed towards a point of no return. A place where the living fades into a shadow. And you grabbed me and held me and suffered through my violent outburst at you and you looked me in the eye and refused to let go. No one has ever fought so hard for me. And it angered me. That you wouldn’t just let me slip away. That you thought there was suppose to be something else than the darkness.
You saved me…through God’s help. I know. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. But it was you. In that chapel that cold January night, you saved me. And because of that…I don’t even know how its possible to love someone else.
And that may be why I never marry. Not because I’m a flirt and a tease and like to have lots of fun and keep the men guessing. It will be because I think you only get one chance to absolutely release everything within you to another person. And you were that for me.
You helped me see, fight, and defeat a very dangerous demon within me and for that, I will always, always love you.
I don’t care anymore.
I can admit.
I loved you too.