I killed cupid in self-defense

by SLY on February 15th, 2006

This is one of my favorite quotes from a postcard found at postsecret.blogspot.com

I don’t know why. It often reminds me of an essay Virginia Woolf wrote called, “The Angel of the House.” It it she defends how she had to kill the graceful, silent, perfect angel woman of the house or else it would have killed her. This essay bares no connection to this quote but it leads me to think about it. One girl who found the lesson to be learned in Angels in America…”antithetical to her Christians beliefs”…also found offense at Virginia Woolf’s article.

And its funny that my major paper for Communication Criticism with Ken Chase was titled , “The New Angel of the House” where I drew from Virginia Woolf’s article as a metaphor for the place of modern day creative writing in light of tradition rhetoric and how that plays against the traditional woman versus the new.

I also have a blog entitled something to the effect of the Angel of the House in which I compare myself at Wheaton versus myself any where else. And now that I think back on it..I”m not so sure that Wheaton was that bad. (I will later regret that in the morning after having my coffee)

All this to say. I was ready to write a witty entry about killing cupid in my own defense and then i googled cupid which led to learning about the history of Valentine’s Day which led to a change of heart. I also have had time to think, heard a quote from Garth Brooks and well today is Valentine’s Day.

Cupid is a Roman God, the symbol of passionate love. And his mother Venus, is the Goddess of Love. And St. Valentine was a man who married those who fell in love when marriage was outlawed because the government at that time wanted men to go to war. And Valentine was sent to jail and he was killed. And the story…which has many sides…contines. There is the story of St. Valentine. And the Lupercian Festival which was held in honor of the God of Fertility. And there is the story of cupid. And the story behind Valentine’s Day cards of the phrase wearing your heart on your sleeve..which used to be a literal thing. Well not your real heart but a paper heart with the name of the woman you loved. Basically upon further research I realized for me this holiday had merit.

Therefore, I cannot kill cupid. Because I believe in passionate love. Now, I don’t believe in his arrows. And I’m not too sure about destiny or fate. But I know a lot of it has to do with choice. Our choices lead us to one another and we met and collide and crash and dance and our lives our intertwined and when it involved a man and a woman or actually in this day and age when it involved any two people who then make the choice…they then choose to love.

And if Valentine’s Day is about celebrating the ones you love, Let Cupid Live.

Now I am single. Hmm. By choice, chance, and circumstance.

I love my family passionately. (Thank you mom for calling me on Valentine’s Day. I am not sure of many things. But as much as I believe that God exist, I also KNOW that you love me and would never wish me away no matter how hard or frustrating being a mom can be. Thank you for loving me and for doing my taxes and filing out the sheet and sending it to me along with the exact pen that you filed the form out with so that when I sign the paper it will be the same pen that you used so that it all looks uniform. I knew you would do that. Thank you for calling me every few days if I forget and for turning the speaker phone so that Dasia can hear me when I call to talk to you guys. And thank you for your random emails and gifts and wonderful words that make me a stronger person.)

I love my friends passionately. (Steph, at this moment in my life, you are one of the most important people in my life. I can literally talk to you about every single thing. And sometimes that frightens me because I have never been this close to a person before without being freakishly scared and then sabatoging the friendship as I start to withdraw within myself. And Hannah, even though none of us are perfect, you demand excellence from me. And for that, I will always be grateful. And you demand love from me. And you demand time and calls and books and conversations. You are very demanding. And it is good for me. Good because you don’t let me get away that easily. And there are many other friends in my life. Lola. Jason. Jonathan. Mimi. Vinny. Lydia. And many many others.)

I love my “freshman boys” passionately. (Many of you are no longer freshman. Actually only two of you are now. Josh. Tim. John. Chris. Philip. Todd. Wesley. Wesley. And this list goes on every year. Oh Sheena’s list of freshman boys. You guys are absolutely fabulous in the most manly sense there can be)

I love my endeavers passionately. (Such as writing, theater, Thai food, dancing, short sexy shirts, serving, children and the list goes on. I am at a place in my life where I have to oppurtunity to do what ever I like and as selfish as that sounds it is also very satisfying. Its satisfying going to bed at night knowing I made choices throughout the day and at the end of the night I am at peace.)

Should my first love have said, I love God passionately. (Well, not enough. Not as much as I should. Certain people pushed me in the direction of Christ. Friede. Pete. Salem the Church. Disciples for Christ. Kevin. The children at Sunshine. And all of those things or people are not active in my life right now and sometimes that scares me. But you can’t be depended on people or a church with four walls to pull you closer to God. That desire has to come from you. And I find that at random moments I pray. I remember praying for Steph when I knew she was in one of her auditions. I remember praying for Jewel and she and her family pulled away off of Sheffield Road. God comes to me in ways that I don’t expect. But I know I must find more ways and places that I encounter him)

Rodney Sisco and Mark Lewis have both been important men in my life. And these two mentors have both said very interesting things about my future and the man that I may love and marry some day. I don’t want to admit this because maybe its antithetical to my own self philosphy…but I hope that you are right. I hope that I will love and marry someone some day. Although I truly don’t see it happening for years..for which I can explain.

But I hope that you two are right. I hope that when I’m forty, I’m not coming home to watch Lost and twist my hair in the calmness of my quiet apartment. I would hope that twenty years from now there would be brownies baking in the oven because that would be one of many things that this future husband may like of mine.

What I kill in self defense is this notion that I’m just waiting for something to happen…in the guy department.

I am not lonely and I don’t feel awkward in front of couples. I don’t feel jealous. If anything I felt annoyed at the couplish talk that I had to partly endure at breakfast.

I am young and on the road to self-discovery. And I agree with Eharmony.com no matter how much I yell and growl. I am not a stable person yet. I am confusing and a contradiction. I don’t know what I want and my mind changes from one minute to the next. I can be crazy and spontaneous and then I can be and old hag that goes by the name of “Time Nazi” or “Make Up Kit Nazi” I don’t want to marry young. I want to marry when my life is in some kind of order. Not when I’m fresh out of college, pratically broke, with no investments anywhere, not owning but renting a place, working on my first post-college job, and still figuring out a million things.

Good luck to all of you who did it. Becca and Tom. Ted and Melissa. Greg and Kate? Jason and Annie. And the list goes freaking on. Have fun and God bless you…because you’re really going to need it. I love you all. But its not me.

So maybe in five to ten years I will visit Eharmony.com again and hopefully time is a healer as Eva Cassidy sings and I will be a stable person and then I can think about dating for keeps.

Don’t kill Cupid because you’re single and horny and haven’t been kissed in a while. Or because you’re lonely and depressed. Or because you a feminist and you’re anti-everything anyway. Don’t kill cupid. His meaning is tied to passionate love. And God is all about passionate love. And me, I’m all about passion and love.

So where ever you are in your life. Happy Valentine’s Day. Or in whatever sense you want to take it Happy Passionate Love Day. Because I do believe in that!

Oh and mom, I forget to say, Happy Anniversary!