Today’s Lesson in the Sociology of Sheena
She wants me to write about this.
Where do I start?
That I seem to go on this extreme continuum. Conservative Fundamentalist who limit my thought process or Jerks who expose me to a lifestyle I wouldn’t otherwise choose for myself. “Find someone in the middle.”
She speaks in definites..I noticed. When she has me state a fact about the world or myself…I say, “probably. maybe. more than likely. i don’t know.”
She states it and thats it.
I want to be more like that. I want to state my fact. State my believe without any doubt…without any maybe. Just say it and let it be. Even if later you are wrong.
She is also very particular about the words she choose to say…I suppose because she speaks in such definites that she has to be particular about the things she release into this world. I want to be similar to that.
She noticed that I’m not judgemental. That when I come in talking about life and people and situations…I never release judgement..even on the things I don’t like or approve of. “You see pass the behavior and don’t let it speak for the person,” she says. I don’t consider myself judgemental.
Recycled Jerks. That seems to be my problem right now.
I haven’t given in to any new request for my number or for dates I really don’t care about. But its the old ones that call me with the familiar sound and I “click send like a dumbass” I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to give way to Mr. Bentley anymore. He is no good for me. I realize I don’t even know him. I’ve “known” him for ten months now but I don’t know what his face really is.
Is he really this pimped out player that uses women wheneve the spirit moves him? What is he like in a relationship? I hope he’s not the same…for “wifey’s” sake. Is there any part of him that is a man of honor and character or is what I see and hear exactly what I get? Because if so…why…why Sheena are you putting yourself through this?
Because like an addicted gambler…I’m addicted to the game. I’m not addicted to him. I’m addicted to the game. This back and forward game of who really posses the power. At this point neither one of us are the most powerful. We are both really weak people trying to manipulate situations to our liking as a way to over compensate for some other deep troubling problem, I suppose.
See, she wouldn’t say …I suppose…she’s just say it.
Why is this important? Because its taking up far too much of my time. I need an activiity. I need to spend more time with my family. I need to spend more time writing, traveling…all those other things you do when you’re not consumed with playing a game of manipulation and power.
So last night in the sanctuary of my room while listening to Aimee Mann sing “Wise Up” and while reading a very haunting book called “The Bright Forever” and while drinking a cup of Honey Ginseng Tea from my favorite starbucks mug…while doing things I loved and that relaxed me…basically…I vowed things to myself. To stop clicking send like a dumbass. To start taking myself seriously and stop playing games. A whole host of things. And hopefully I will be a woman of my word and live by these convictions.
There, I wrote.
So I have a new one.
Taxicab to 8 S. Michigan: $8
Jamba Juice while waiting for appointment: $4
New Co-Pay due to computer error: $12
Learning, Deciding and then Treating yourself Right: Priceless
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