A Letter to the Living ~ When ever Lydia misses Maura

Lydia,

I’ve always told you that every encounter I have with you brings me closer to God and closer to myself. And although we experience God differently, you still bring me towards him and towards that higher sense of myself. For that I will always be grateful.

I think the day you introduced me to Maura, was another moment when you brought me closer to God. I think she embodied him just as lovely as you do. I never knew anyone who could be so joyful, so sweet and so kind. Lydia, I am amazed Maura was still smiling till the very last moment. Her body hurt, I’m sure she was tired, and anyone else…they wouldn’t be able to still have the grace and strength to smile. And she did. And that encourages me.

The day after Maura’s funeral…in which the earth itself cried for her as well as hundreds of people all around the world…the very next day all kinds of beautiful, magnificent things were going on in the sky. There would be rays of light pouring into parts of dark clouds. I kept thinking Maura and God and so many others we all have lost had something to do with it. Only something so divine could make a ray of sunshine through clouds seem holy. I stood in awe.

I really think the very earth itself altered that Tuesday morning and then it did again a few days later on Saturday. A shift has occurred. I don’t believe everyone feels it. But I feel it. And I can’t even feel it like I know you and Danielle and Erin and Joel feel it. But there is a stinging in my heart. Something I felt years ago when James Pyles died.

Your mother wrote me an email thanking me for my kind words. I wanted to say, I didn’t even deserve that. That considering what had just happened in her world, I felt honored that she’d take the time from her day to write to me.

Is that what we do now? Continue? Catch up with our emails? Pay our bills? Go to church on Sunday? Act in a play? I know that feeling Lydia. You want to scream, “Theater. Fuck Theater. People. Fuck People. MY BABY SISTER JUST DIED!!!!”

I wonder what Maura would say. I wonder the graceful words she’d say. Right this very moment…I miss her laughter. It filled the room. It could cause flowers to grow. I swear! Her aura probably had the power to create galaxies. How do I live in a sacred way that honors Maura deSouza and James Pyles? How do I live in a way that matters? Do you think Maura and James can find each other and form a friendship. I sometimes wonder those weird things about the afterlife.

Lydia, I just thought of this. When James died…it was from a car crash. They said he died upon impact. That means he hit something or something hit him and his body was hurt. And Maura, her body was full of Toby and his spawn. Both their bodies were hurt. And what makes it a little better…just a little…is knowing they are completely whole now! They are free from those bodies! James had a mild sense of arthritis from playing the violin and he’d do this weird thing with his wrist, popping it and twisting it. He has never had to do that now! And Maura is no longer in pain. And that helps me Lydia. I don’t know if it helps you but it helps me. When I found out Maura was sick over a year ago, I felt sick. When my little four year old sister scraps her knee, I can barely take it. When I hear her cry because she fell down, I want to hurt god himself for making my sister cry. So to hear that Maura was sick, I wanted to scream, “Seriously God, what the fuck were you thinking? Of all the people…really!!!!”

I was driving in Austin and I passed this field of yellow flowers. I had to stop and take a picture. I had to capture the glimpses of Maura when I see them. I stopped a lot that day…taking pictures of flowers and clouds.

The reason why I’m writing you this letter is this. On Monday I had a flight from Austin to Houston to Chicago. The layover in Houston wasn’t even thirty minutes but I thought of you the whole time. I wanted to master the art of teleportation so that I could get to you and hold you. The plane boarded and right after I buckled my seat belt and the plane began its ascension, I placed my hand on the window of the plane and I wondered of all the lights and streets and buildings, where was my dear Lydia. So I focused my mind and I called to its forefront everything that I held dear…everything that I loved. I called them all by name outloud on the plane. I’m sure people thought I was crazy. So my hand is on the window, I’m watching the lights of Houston and as I could recall I named everything I loved. Dasia. Hanna. Daniel. Bianca. Veola. James. De. My grandma. Theater. Michael Stauffer. Bubble Gum Ice Cream. Tennessee Williams. My mom’s bed. Beautiful music. Rain. ……….

I kept going. And when I couldn’t think of anything else. When I had called everything that I loved to my mind…I channeled it to my fingers that were against that window pane of the plane. And I imagined all the love I had flowing out of hand and finding you and staying with you. And it must have worked, a little at least. Because right after I did it, I felt empty and numb for a moment. I thought maybe that would help you…if I could metaphorically and metaphysically give you all the love that I know and experience because I know that right now its very dark. And I know a part of you finds comfort in that darkness. So as long as you are there, everything that I know as good and true and love is with you.

We were driving and came upon this rainbow. My dad had us stop the car to capture it. It was another moment where I felt Maura. I’m feeling her everywhere. And sometimes it hurts. I’ll be walking down the street, see a flower, think of Maura and then I start to cry. I miss her too. And if you need me to break something for you or with you, I’ll do it. Because sometimes I feel like doing that.

Your family was blessed. I don’t believe everyone has a pure heart. And somehow God saw fit to give you all Maura. Not everyone gets such a lovely gift.

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