I can not keep having the same conversation with you all and perhaps if I just write a letter, I can copy and paste each time one of you finds out that I am now an other. Yes, I am now an other.
I am no longer a Christian. I am not an conservative evangelical fundamentalist yet non-denominational Christian.
And yes, just stating that will make you pray without ceasing for my troubled soul.
Do as you please. Just stop contacting me. Stop “witnessing” to me. Stop sending bible scriptures to me. I OWN A BIBLE. But I bet you’ve never even heard of the kybalion. Please, most of you haven’t even heard of anything beyond what “HE” taught us.
HE..not being god but being the pastor.
Yes, I know you all knew me when was 10 and quoting the bible like I wrote it. And you wanted your kids to grow up like me because I was a youth leader in the nursery, the youth leader for the ushers, the co captain of the praise dance ministry, the captain of the step team, the editor in chief of the youth newsletter, a member of the drama ministry, an alto in the youth choir. Yes, I was asked to speak for youth services. You remember sweet Sheena, who was obedient and quiet and well mannered. You remember little Sheena who, instead of talking to her friends during the pastor’s sermon, would write detailed notes of the sermon and then write reports on them later. I still have my notes and journals full of every Sunday and Wednesday service.
I know you remember that. And what you see now, shocks you and scares you and makes you uncomfortable and makes you want to evangelize and makes you want to run and hide and makes you want to judge me because I don’t serve the same god as you.
Listen. One. That sweet Sheena you remember was a facade. My ex step father who was a deacon in that church, who you probably still are friends with, was sexually abusing me for the ENTIRE time that you knew me in that church. I hope for your sake he never sexually abused any of your children too.
Two. And the pastor, he knew. But he told me I’d go to hell, if I went to the police. So I keep being sweet Sheena. I was sweet Sheena because i was scared I’d go straight to hell. Any person in leadership who knows a child is being abused and even has the abuser admit it, is obligated to report that to the authorities. Your beloved leader did not do that. Thus he enabled it to happen for years later.
Three. I’m not a heathen. Perhaps a heathen to your religious cause. But according to my spiritual beliefs, I am one with God. Let’s just agree to disagree.
Four. I don’t believe all Christians are psychos. I believe the ones who continue to pester me when I ask them to stop are. I believe the ones who continue to spout an outdated bible at me while behind closed doors they do everything antithetical to those very words are. I believe the ones who are SO offended by me and yet continue to friend me on facebook, read my blog and send me emails are. IF I BOTHER YOU, LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. I mean, if God really spoke to you and told you to reach out to me, tell God to speak to me. I don’t do the middle man shit. God needs to tell us both that you have become his messenger. And if you really just need to pray for me, fine. But leave me out of the equation. Do I email you with judgemental tendencies, spiritual inaccuracies, annoying quotes, and blurred memories of a shared past? No. So don’t do it to me. The day, God tells me to become a Christian again, I’ll be sure to seek you out so you can say the sinner’s prayer with me.
Five. Unlike your limited beliefs where you believe anyone who isn’t a christian is ANTI or needs to be witnessed to, to change to your beliefs…I don’t believe that in reverse. I’m not anti christian. If you knew me at all, you’d know that MOST of my friends are CHRISTIANS. And not liberals ones at that. Shot, I believe too many of them are a bit too conservative, but what ever floats their boat.
Six. Stop taking everything so personal. GOD DAMN!
Seven. As many of us are apt to do because of twitter, facebook, myspace, blogs and everything else, we have all started friending each other again. Before you email me another FREAKING scripture, email me a, “hello. how are you? what have you been up to lately?” Get to know me before you tell me how i should be living. I am not the 10 year old you once knew. I am a woman now and things have changed.
Eight. Listen, except for a small handful of you, I don’t trust most of you. Some of you are still friends with Daniel. I think that is sick and perverted. If you saw what he did at night to his child, perhaps you wouldn’t be so quick to steal my mother’s pictures of the kids off facebook and email them to him. You know who you are. Sick bastards!
Nine. If this in no way applies to you, then it doesn’t apply to you. See point six about not taking things personally.
Ten. I believe in God. I just don’t believe in him like that twisted pastor taught us to believe. That pastor taught me that God wanted my step father to keep abusing me because he was a deacon. That pastor taught me that God would send me to hell for holding my step father responsible for abusing me. That pastor, that God and that church is some bullshit! So I believe in God. Just not like you do.
Eleven. Keep in mind. I’m not bitter. I’m not angry. I’m not hurt. I’m no longer a victim. I have released Daniel. In your terms it would mean, I have forgiven him. I might have a day or two where memories of him piss me off. Or I might get stuck for a few minutes because one of you crazy people triggered a bad memory by bringing his name up. But I’m not a victim. Again, I’m different now. I live a wonderful life surrounded by amazing people and each day I get to live my life fully! Live your life fully and leave me the hell alone.
Twelve. Father abused me so I’m not a christian IS NOT THE EQUATION. But if you are interested in my spiritual journey, let’s have tea and talk. I’d love to hear about yours too.
Thirteen. Some of you feel enlightened now that you are free from the spell of that cult like place. Great for you. But now that the spirit has moved you to a higher place, don’t use that as a time to write letters and emails sending it out to the rest of us who were banned years ago. You have no idea what place we are in now. Some people are probably still hurt. Some people are probably still in therapy. Some people are probably still mad as hell. Some people probably don’t give a flying fuck. Some people don’t want to hear a word from you. Some people would rather you skip the long letter of bs and again just email and say, “hi. how are you? what have you been up to?” that is what I would like.
If you are interested in having a conversation with me. Don’t start with the bible. I’ll hang up the phone, block your emails and think that perhaps you should go fuck yourself. But if you start with a hello, I just might think the world of you.