Taking Control of the Healing Process
I believe that it is important that you understand that if you have been a victim of sexual abuse, sexual assault, incest, rape, or molestation…that everything towards making yourself whole again must happen at a pace in which you are comfortable. That is: personal growth, healing, forgiveness, restoration, counseling or anything else. Do not let people rush you. Do not feel rushed because of the pace that others may be going in. Also know that healing and restoration comes in stages. Maybe you’ve restored your body, but there is still the reclaiming of your mind. Perhaps your spirit is still bruised but the emotional toll it took no longer has power.
After awareness of my own sexual abuse came to light, I spent years jumping from one counselor to the next. Some sucked! Some were not qualified! Some lacked a huge amount of sensitivity. Let me tell you a story.
The very first counselor I went to was a friend of the family and a pastor. Let me tell you what he did. You will be shocked! Having just suffered SEVEN years of incest and molestation, this therapist said on the VERY FIRST meeting that before we could begin any work I would have to forgive Daniel C. Young Sr. He wouldn’t even talk about anything else until I agreed to have forgiven Daniel. On top of that, DANIEL was there. He brought the pedophile into the counseling session. The very first one! And demanded that I forgive him! What the hell!
Note to every counselor in the entire world..that is an utterly bad idea! Just saying.
I told my mother that I did not want to EVER go back to him. EVER! Therefore we spent the next few years bouncing from one counselor to the next. And I pretty much hated them all. I didn’t know it then, but I just wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to deal with any of it. I just wanted to finish high school. I just wanted to be a teenager. I wanted to get my license. I wanted to go ice skating with my friends. I did not want to talk about Daniel. I did not want to talk about my depression and suicidal tendencies. Call it denial. Call it whatever you want. But I was not ready for the pace that all these well meaning adults were moving at.
I didn’t “forgive” Daniel until a year later. I use forgive because that’s the word most people are comfortable with. A post in more details is forthcoming. But that “forgiveness” happened exactly when I was ready. It was unexpected. I had received an epiphany. I had seen the light. Somehow it all started to make sense and then I was ready to forgive.
I didn’t give myself grace and forgiveness until I was 22 or 23. That was almost 8 years after the end of the abuse. I was able to forgive Daniel before I forgave myself. How does that make sense? It’s not about making sense. It’s about working in stages. Because you can’t do everything at once. Never mind the forgiveness of myself and the pedophile, to this day I have not forgiveness the pastor who enabled this. Who knew about it and did nothing. Who in so many words forced me NOT to say anything by holding hell and eternal damnation as a bargaining chip.
What? Does that surprise you? That in spite of my personal growth and reclaimation, that there are still areas of the healing process that are still stuck at ground zero. I’m okay with that. It doesn’t all get fixed overnight.
It wasn’t until I was 22 that I sought a therapist on my own.
Everyone throughout my life urged me to go. Their urgings did not help the matter. But finally after so many years, I came to a place where I was ready. Maybe to some I should have been in it since the abuse first came to light. And maybe some of you have yet to ever step foot in a therapist office and its 15 years later. TAKE YOUR TIME. By going at my own pace, I was able to seek the help that I needed and deal with all the metaphorical demons.
Reclaiming myself didn’t happen until I was 23. Restoring myself came after that. And even though now its been 11 years since he has touched me, there are still areas that I need to deal with. I’m okay with that. It won’t all be fixed over night. And while some areas have been healed or are in the process of being healed, I’m only now finding other areas that have been in the dark all this time.
Don’t be discouraged because you see that someone has come out of this alive and joyful and healed and seemingly perfect. And don’t feel rushed because everyone insist on what you need to do to get better. Pushing someone too hard can push them over the edge. Don’t let anyone get you to the edge.
Know that you can take control of the process of healing, growth and restoration. It’s your right. Don’t let the pressure of god, society, family, culture or anything else make you move at a pace you are not comfortable with.
That is what I have learned and what I am still learning. And maybe tomorrow or a year from now or perhaps 10 years from now I’ll forgive Gary Brown for what he did in enabling this. Maybe it will never happen. The truth is, I’m not worried and I know the god I serve will not hold it against me.
I write this for every victim of sexual assault and abuse. I write this to spread awareness of National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Sexual Assault isn’t just a topic of discussion, a political agenda, or issues with alarming statistics. Sexual Assault/Abuse is the reality, experience and story of everyday people. It is a part of my story. Don’t ever forget that. I write this for my seven year old self who did not have a voice. I am her voice now.
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There is a lot of wisdom in what you write here, Sheena. Gosh…it makes me SO angry that this kind of stuff happens…especially when it happens in so-called “Christian” churches. That is even worse. And what on earth…bringing him into your first session and demanding forgiveness?????? Sheesh! That is absolutely outrageous!!!
It is insane! It is collusion and cover-up. It is accessory to the crime. As far as I am concerned, he is as guilty as if he had done it himself. Grrrrrrr!
I feel as if any real counselor would vomit at the idea that a “pastor/counselor” would ever do that. But again, these are fairly small to medium size non denominational black churches where the pastors are ordained through themselves and call themselves counselors and people who don’t know any better, like my family at the time, think they must be right and we don’t questions it. Its this weird culture that I can’t really put my finger on. We are brainwashed to think if we question something then we don’t have faith. Or how dare you questions a man of God or God’s anointed? It’s just crazy. The pastor of our church knew what was going on for two years while we lived on church property and then this other “pastor/counselor” knew from our one counseling session and neither reported it. What if a kid goes to a teacher saying, “My dad is beating me.” because they think the teacher will help be their voice…and then the teacher does nothing. We are living in crazy times. I wish I knew my voice back then because I would have stood up and demanded justice.
It sounds like a cult church.
Exactly! You have no idea! Well, no. That’s not true. You probably have a better idea than me. But it wasn’t till I was in college writing a paper for a Sociology class that I realized it was very cult-ish.
Cults basically follow similar patterns of though, beliefs and behaviours…whether they are “religious” in nature or not. “God” does not even have to be part of the equation for it to be a religion or a cult.
Really…it is about power and control…and that can manifest itself in many different ways. But there is that common thread of control. Don’t question. Don’t protest. Don’t tell. Always obey…and consequences if you don’t…sometimes really serious ones. Etc.
Cults rob you of your individuality…of your sense of personhood. They confuse your sense of what is real and what is not. Of what is right and what is wrong. They really mess with your understanding of G-d, too. Grrrr!
It was a cult. Plain and simple. I used to say that if Jesus came walking down the street…half the people from our church wouldn’t know who he was and the others who even knew…still would follow the pastor and not Jesus.
All I can say is WOW after reading this. You are a tool to help others who have endured similar situations of sexual abuse come up for air and realize that there is life after such a terrible tragedy. I hate that this happened to you and, even more, that I probably would not have been able to do much more about it to help change your situation.
I realize that we grew up in a church that functioned as a cult and I agree that everyone should have the right to question religious leaders, doctrine, etc no matter who/what they are…even God. How else will you better understand what you choose to hear and/or believe. You are a walking testimony – please know that. I struggle to this day with whether or not I should share with my mom what I ‘thought’ happened to me one day long ago. Honestly, I still don’t know. As I work to accept the reality of my past, I do know that my past and what I’ve endured allows me to reach someone else who is hurting. Kinda like you. Now who else but God would turn such a horrible thing into something so positive.
Wasn’t it nice for Daniel to have the pastor let him off so easily? I wonder how easily that pastor would have forgiven Daniel if Daniel had raped the pastors kid?
I am so mad about this – I can just … Notice how those of us who have lived through abuse get angry all over again each time we hear these stories?
I do – I feel the anger all over again – the helplessness and the frustration… I feel it for every gal as if it is happening to me again.
I am very happy for you and for your healing!
Your memory or “thought” is so interesting. You are not the only one who have memories that come back. While it is a hot topic between various schools of thought, I for one think that memories come back when we are ready to handle them. There are some good and bad memories that I all of a sudden remember and the fact that good ones come back too, is proof to me that sometimes those memories are real! I hope that makes sense. Also thank you for your friendship and support, I really appreciate it!
My family had a bad experience where Daniel’s brother brought Daniel around us without telling us about it. (Sometimes we are still in contact with the non crazy members of his family. We thought this brother was a non-crazy until he showed up with Daniel at an event we were at.) Anyways, we asked the brother why did he bring Daniel and the brother is all, “Its my brother. Above all else, its my brother.” I asked the brother, “Would you say that if he sexually assaulted your daughter? Would you have so much loyalty, if he were touching and doing things to her body?” He didn’t even want to hear me out because the thought of that was truly appalling. He had no sympathy for my experience and only cared about his brother, but he was sane enough to know that thinking that could happen to his daughter was horrible. Its just crazy.