When the monsters invade your dreams
I wonder if its true. That the things you think about and choose to focus on effects the outcome of your life…and even your dreams and nightmares. Sometimes I’ve seen the evidence. If I’m stressed about something or there is a situation I’m dealing with, I find that in my dreams, they manifest themselves.
Sometimes, I can’t remember having a dream in over a week.
And sometimes, I have no clue where or why certain dreams occur in my mind. Especially the nightmares.
In the past, after my mother divorced from my ex step father, the nightmares of him ran rampant. In these nightmares, he was touching me or slowly opening my door or undressing me or praying for forgiveness after just doing horrible things to me. In some dreams I fight back and I scream but he fights me back too and smother me. In some dreams I have weapons and I use them against him. In some dreams the incest was worse than it was in real life. Instead of his hand or penis, he used things and objects and was more aggressive.
These dreams were horrible. And sometimes I couldn’t wake myself. Sometimes I would wake up, sobbing in the middle of the night completely inconsolable. Often roommates said they heard me saying, “No.” and that it seemed I was fighting myself or someone. Sometimes after a horrible nightmare, I’d wake up with scratches all over my body or even bruises. I found that these nightmares manifest themselves physically. And that just freaked me out.
I tried many things since it seemed I couldn’t actually control the nightmare itself. Many times I didn’t sleep in my own bed. I’d sleep over at friends houses hoping that would help. Some times it did and sometimes I still woke up exhausted as if I’d just gone to battle with someone.
I tried sleeping pills. But they just made me groggy. Plus, it wasn’t the lack of sleep that I was trying to deal with but what I was actually dreaming about. How can you dictate your dreams?
The answer is I don’t know. I’d like to say, don’t focus on the trauma. But really, there are days when Daniel C. Young Sr has not crossed my mind and yet his filthy hand is on me in a nightmare. I don’t have an answer for you.
What I can say is that when you wake up from these horrible nightmares…find yourself again. Look around you and know that you are safe. Know that you are home. Know that perhaps someone you love is right beside you and not the monster who took your innocence away. When you wake up turn on the light, meditate, manage your emotions, look in the mirror and say a mantra that you hold dear. Write in your journal or call someone. Do whatever will immediately make you feel safe and secure.
And even if the nightmares led to bruises on your physical body, have peace in knowing that in your dream you kicked the ass of whomever was trying to harm you.
Over time my nightmares of Daniel have become far and few between. Maybe its due to the passage of time. Maybe its a side effect of healing. Maybe god is sick with fucking with my mind and have moved on to other things. I have no clue. That’s not to say they still happen. But I know that when I wake up from the nightmare, I am safe and I am home.
There are many websites that give information on what to do while you are having a nightmare. Honestly, for me, sometimes these techniques work and sometimes they don’t. It’s like when you are angry and you count to 10 and it works. And sometimes counting to 10 only intensifies the anger. Despite the nightmares still occurring no matter the efforts I take to annihilate them, I do have my own techniques. It ranges from having a dream catcher to spraying my pillow with lavender. Find what works for you and make sure above all else that you feel safe and that you are safe.
This post was written in honor of National Sexual Assault Awareness Month.
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