An Open Letter to My Heart

Dear Hanna,

I need you to know that I absolutely adore you. That I always have! When mom was pregnant everyone thought you were going to be a boy and they had named you Jeremiah. But then I had a dream and in it you were a girl and I told mom that she was having a little girl and NOT a boy. Low and behold, once you were born we had our Hanna. MY Hanna.

Before you were even born, I claimed you. I know we aren’t supposed to do that and siblings shouldn’t have their favorites, but you were and still are mine. Bianca and Daniel are one year apart so they had always been partners in crime. And Dasia is the baby so everyone always loves the baby. And therefore since day one, you were always my favorite.

I have not been the best big sister. That is because during the formative years of your life I was away at college and then we have always lived in different states and I probably don’t get home as much as I should and I don’t call you nearly enough but Hanna you are MY HEART. You have to know this! If anything ever happened to you I would be devastated. I would be crushed. I would not be able to breathe. I NEED YOU IN MY LIFE! There is no way around it. I have to have you in my life.

I know I can’t control the world but I don’t want any bad thing to happen to you. I don’t want  anyone to say a mean thing. I don’t want a boy to break your heart. I don’t want you to hurt. I just want all good things for you. I would kill anyone who ever laid a hand on you. That’s probably not legal to write and maybe that’s a threat and I don’t know. But Hanna I would split the world into two to save and rescue you. I would fight God if I had too. I would sacrifice a million innocent people just for your smile and laughter. I would! Its sacrilegious. It’s horrible. But I don’t care. You are my heart. I just love you so much. I think about you every day. I miss you all the time.

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You would see a princess. You would see the daughter of a god. You would see everything beautiful and pure. You would see innocence and laughter and absolute fabulous-ness. You have always been fierce. You’ve always been so artistic and talented. I think you came out of the womb with a mic, high heels and the best fashion sense that I know. I love your diva tendencies. It’s so different than anyone that I know. I love the way you dance, the way you sing. I love that after five minutes in the water, you were like a fish. Hanna, after five minutes in water…I’d drown. But you, you take to anything. You are like ten times a triple threat. No one has anything on you. And Hanna, no one is cuter than you. I mean, sure there’s always some one better or worse…but Hanna you are why angels sing.

I look forward to the young lady and the woman you will become. You literally could do anything. Your life could go in any different because you have so much potential and already at a young age, you’ve tapped into it. I remember you asking in all seriousness when you were so little, “Mom, which highway takes me to hollywood.” And I’m pretty sure if mom had given you an answer you would have started walking there that day. What I love about you is that you dream big! You imagine yourself before millions of people soothing their ears with your siren voice. You imagine yourself in front of a camera saying a million things with a single shot and pose. You imagine yourself moving all of our souls with your beautiful dances. And I love that. That your dreams are out of the galaxy and nothing can contain you.

Whenever you have a sad day like today Hanna, please call me and I will list 1,000 different ways that I love you. YOU are my heart and I could not imagine a day without. I would give up everything and forsake anything just for you. You are truly my love! My most precious, dearest, most wonderful love. I adore you. I adore you. I adore you. DON’T EVER FORGET THAT. I absolutely adore you beautiful, precious girl.

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Showing 9 comments
  • OneSurvivor

    Oh, hon. *tears* What can I write? With all that is going on in your soul…all the pain. Just know that I care…that I am praying for you.

  • OneSurvivor

    Oh…and I am praying for your sister and family and friends, too!

  • SLY

    I just reread this. And it just breaks my heart. Literally hours after finding out my sister was so sad and going through a hard time I wrote this. Little did I know the tragedy that would happen two days later. I am not sure why I carry so much guilt for what happened to my friend. But I feel so guilty. I am just so sad.

pingbacks / trackbacks
  • […] ago. And its hard. And I don’t understand it but I kind of do. I wish you could have read the letter I wrote my sister Hanna a few days before you died. Because that letter is for you. It’s for every little girl. […]

  • […] thoughts began to make me feel better. Slowly. Then my sister got really sad. And then Lola’s sister took her own life. And I felt like Pandora came out of her box, […]

  • […] I also wrote about Hanna here. I think its imperative that we take the time to tell children how much we adore them and in this letter, I poured my heart out to my sister. Please do this to the people that you love. An Open Letter to My Heart […]

  • […] pack all my stuff and go home and be with my family. Be with my sister. My 11 year old sister who wrote a suicidal note so sad that it’s still breaking my heart. Last week my mom said, “I’m looking at […]

  • […] BLOG – An Open Letter to My Heart […]

  • […] An Open Letter to My Heart […]

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