A Physical Manifestation of Guilt – Tinuola Olateju

by SLY on June 22nd, 2010

I think the “holding” that you felt was a physical manifestation of guilt.

I should know better than this.

Mr. Officer asked me, “Why are you holding yourself there?” and to be honest I can’t quit understand what he means. But if I give it more thought I believe its a huge lump growing in my body that goes by the name of guilt. It could be why I find it very difficult to breathe. It could be why my heart feels heavy and I’m very disconnected from my body.

Right now no amount of positive thinking and transmutations are making it go away.

My massage therapist was giving me my weekly massage and he noticed the entire left side of my body was tense and full of knots. “What’s going on?” he asked, “Did you sleep funny?” If only I could sleep at all.

This guilt is taking over my body and I’m afraid its gonna swallow me whole.

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Everything I believe is antithetical to me feeling guilty. But how can I disregard that fact that only days before, Lola listened to me cry and sob about my sister’s depression and then her own sister took her life.

How do I find peace? How do I not feel guilty like Lola gave me herself to help my sister and I did nothing to help her’s.

My body is crying out because my heart is in turmoil. My mind knows better. My spirit understands these things. But somehow it’s all out of sync and the man that I love finds that I’m not the same.

I don’t know how to be who I was before. My life has shifted.

Tinuola Olateju