Breathe Life into Every Moment ~ Tinuola Olateju
“Why would she do this?” “I don’t understand.” “So many people loved her.” “Was there foul play?” “But she seemed so happy” “Was there a note?” “Did we miss obvious signs?”
These are just some of the many comments I’ve heard regarding Tinu’s death. The questions are endless. Everyone is wondering. We all want to know why.
Here’s the thing. The ONLY person who can answer that for us is Tinu and that’s not going to happen.
Yes. It sucks. We want to know how we can prevent others from doing it. We want to know what provoked her to do it. We want to assure ourselves that we’d never do it. We want to give it a name, slap a label on it, stick it in a file drawer and feel better.
It doesn’t happen that way.
Let me share something personal. Since the age of 15 I’ve battled various degrees of depression, self destruction, suicidal thoughts and even an attempt or two. I know its ugly to read. But its the truth.
The worse of it happened during my sophomore year of college. Yes my boyfriend had just dumped me. I had lost my best friend to a stupid fight. My mother and I couldn’t stand each other. And demons from my past were re-emerging at the most opportuned times. I was in a free fall inside of my mind.
What was more interesting was that no one knew. No one had a single clue that I almost overdosed on pills. Luckily it wasn’t detrimental. I was just really sick for days. No one knew that I was cutting myself or that sometimes I’d stand on the train tracks waiting for a frieght to knock the life out of me.
Its graphic. It’s sad. And no one had clue.
Don’t spend your days worrying. Worrying about why this happened to Tinu and is this going to happen to someone else. Yes the worrying is human nature. We want to know why but that will get us no where. What is part of our spiritual nature is to live higher than those negative emotions.
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What we need to do is shift our focus on breathing life and love into every moment of every day. If we treat every moment as if it were sacred, if we treated every living thing as if they were holy…we’d leave little room for many of the mental illnesses and utter despair that people feel. If we were active listeners, let go of our own agendas, and spent time investing in each other, bringing light and enhancing each other’s energy, we’d know that even when tragedy struck, we did everything we could.
Think about every single person in your life. Your family. Your friends. Your teachers. Your colleagues. Your boss. Your pet. Yourself.
Do you treat everyone with grace, dignity and love?
This isn’t to say that Tinu was not treated the right way. Plenty of people loved her.
I am just saying, we will go down a rabbits hole trying to figure out the why. We are never going to know that even when hints and clues emerge. What we can focus on is treating every moment, every thing and every person as if they were sacred.
You may not want to hear this right now. I’m sure five minutes later, I will want to delete these words. But in trying to figure out how I heal from this, how I continue on…all I can think of is that I have to live a holy life breathing life and love into every moment. And if that is my focus, it leaves no room for me to give into depressive and self destructive tendencies.
What keeps you focused on those dark days?
February 15, 1995 – May 29, 2010
Facebook Group: In Loving Memory of Tinuola Olateju
Facebook Group: R.I.P Tinu
Relevant issues, sites, & topics….
Out of Darkness Overnight Walk
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
Suicide Awareness Voices Education
PDF 
I’ve lost a lot of friends like this. I appreciate you writing down your feelings and the endless why’s that happen too, it’s something people don’t want to address. I think the prevalence epitomises how our culture is depressed, it’s not an individual thing – and we all hide it to some extent. I think we need this honesty like you’re writing is, it’s nourishing, its permissive, it allows us freedom to be however we are. Only when we can truly feel our feelings are they able to lose their grip on us and stop being shadows.
On dark days, I step outside of myself and take a good look at my whole life from someone else’s perspective, but someone who knows me like I know myself – completely except they don’t judge me like I do but look at me like an I would someone else. Then I have some perspective. I find out I’m tenacious, I keep going, I try and try and try and try, I give up and I try again. It’s amazing how many times you can give up. When low is a baseline you get to look up all the time. I find out I’m strong, I find out I am a good person, I try and do the right thing, I anguish over the wrong things. I have a conscience. I risk my life for others. I don’t mind doing the dirty jobs no-one else does.
But I forget all of this in an instant on a dark day, on the darkest days we are our own worst enemies. I think we have to practice compassion for ourselves, first and foremost, and we have to be an example to others and show them without words or judgement. Self-love is a journey, I think it might be an endless one.
I wish this hadn’t happened to your friend she looks so lovely and gentle. How do we stop these beautiful people from leaving this world? How do we say ‘Hang on, please, you are wanted, please hang on?’. How do we show each other how important you are in my life? I think that’s what we need to hear, all of us.
You’re important to me Sheena. Thanks for sharing your why’s like this and your wisdoms.
Thanks for your words. I’ve known the Olateju family for 12 years. We attend the same church. Like you I have struggled with severe depression and been in some awful places. I prided myself in thinking I could recognize depression/suicidal tendencies in others and I am so sad that I didn’t see it in Tinu. She seemed so strong. This was such a shock. I still feel emotionally numb. I still haven’t cried. I am usually a very emotional person but I can’t cry – it is so strange. I pray and pray daily for the whole family and those who are caring for them. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!!
What has kept me focused on the dark days of my life is knowing that God loves me and has a plan for my life, knowing that I have children and a husband who love me, and asking for help. I realized a few years ago that depression is a physical illness (along with mental and spiritual) and once I started treating it physically I got a much better handle on it. After three years of meds I am medication free as of March and instead I am exercising and taking whole food supplements. I feel good but always mindful that I could easily slip down that horrible road of depression.
Thank you so much for everything you just said. I feel as if I’m a bit numb too. I cry like a baby but everything else just feels numb. Its also true..I’ve found ways to manage my “depressive tendencies.” I’ve found healing inside myself and through god and many other venues as well…community, writing and so forth. And I know to be mindful of my thoughts and so forth because it is easy to slip back into those tendences. Thank you so much for visiting and speaking! I really appreciate it!