My heart is fighting my mind ~ Tinuola Olateju

by SLY on June 4th, 2010

Funeral preparations are hard. We joked that there should be a handbook that assist you in dealing with disasters of the sort, but really nothing can prepare you for this.

Nothing is going to prepare you for all the task that need to get done. Obituary written, approved and sent. Photos collected and merged into an everlasting memory. Program edited. Pallbearers designated. Secret journals read. Rides organized. I mean, the list is just endless. And the days have started to blend together.

Like serious, we all keep asking ourselves what day it is. We don’t know anymore. We keep forgetting to eat. Today we ate earlier. Instead of eating at 3pm for the first time, we ate at 2pm. That’s a step in the right direction.

Not only am I emotionally spent, but my body hurts. When I wake up from the two hours of sleep that I get, I feel like someone beat the hell out of me the night before. Perhaps its my mind fighting my heart. My mind is all, “Be strong. Don’t be a wimp. Keep your shit together.” And my heart is all, “Just let me break down here. Let me wallow.” So I suppose while I sleep they duke it out and the result is that I wake up in the middle of the night sobbing and my body sore.

Tinuola Olateju