Rotating the Breakdowns ~ Tinuola Olateju

by SLY on June 5th, 2010

A few days ago Lola asked if it was okay for us to go inside their family home to retrieve some personal items of Tinu’s. While we choose to keep the method of Tinu’s death private, her family is open with the fact that Tinu’s death was a suicide. This suicide happened in Tinu’s room and a few days ago Lola asked if it was okay for Ariel and I to go inside her room to retrieve clothing, pictures, and other personal items.

When we walked into the house, I didn’t think a bad spirit would haunt me but I definitely believe in the power of energy. There was a sadness and a deserted-ness. A house that was once full of spicy aromas, children’s laughter and the splashes from the indoor pool was now completely silent. The house was just silent. And her room was as if she’d just stepped out for a minute. There were clothes strewn in random places, homework on her desk and her purse on her bed. It looked like every other teenage girl’s bedroom. And yet there was an utter sadness.

I’ve never done this before. I’ve never gone inside of the bedroom of someone who died in that same place to find items needed for their funeral. This is all new to me. I think I’m learning another language.

We have spent the week with each other the entire time. We go from one task to another. Buying the clothes. Buying Tinu’s shoes. Some wondered if shoes were important. Organize pall bearers. Visit their father. Eat. Prepare the obituary. Prepare the program. Find housing for friends and family coming into town. Have the siblings fitted for their funeral attire. Sit down with the boys to discuss all that was happening. Have free coffee donated. Get Tinu’s clothes to the funeral home. It’s just this endless checklist of things.

And its just all too much all too soon. As the week has progressed we’ve unraveled a bit. One misstep and the day falls apart. Someone has a breakdown. Someone is stressed. Someone freaks out. Someone has to walk out the room. Someone is angry. Someone is annoyed. Wait, the car is almost out of gas. The second car that is since the first one was broken into on the way to meet the pastor. Or were we meeting her father. Or were we shopping for Tinu’s shoes that day. They are all starting to blend.

It’s good there have been a small number of us here. Too many and Lola and her sisters would easily be overwhelmed. Too few people and there wouldn’t be enough people to rotate the breakdowns.

I’ve had my times. I’ve felt overwhelmed, frustrated, kept out of the loop, ignored when I could have helped more. I’ve felt like maybe we didn’t use our time wisely. Maybe we weren’t prioritizing the right way. Maybe we could just do it differently and save ourselves the headache.

But it doesn’t work like that. Assisting your best friend the planning and executing the funeral of her baby sister doesn’t work like the normal checklist. You don’t get to write something down, do the task and cross it off. Between each task we have to leave room for someone to breakdown. Between each task we have to leave room for grieving and crying right in the middle of the mall. Between each task we have to remember the boys. Between each task we have to schedule food and sleep. Each day someone forgets to sleep. Someone forgets to eat. Someone forgets something important. We all want to drink. We all want some escape. Some little bit of peace to temporarily suspend us above this murky water we’ve been wading in all week.

There is no cookie cutter way to get these things done.

I’ve tried to think how each family member must feel. Does Sunday hurt because he can’t say goodbye to his daughter’s body at the funeral? Maybe its better to not see her like that? How are Cola and Sola coping? I would have mentally checked out by the point. And yet these two very young boys are so strong. I want to be more like them. And the three older sisters. I can’t even begin to imagine. As soon as I think about my three younger sisters and brother..I begin my own breakdown. So I try not to imagine.

So many people have been praying for us. Writing kind words and sending great vibrations our way. Thank you so much. When we all are on the verge of a major freak out, that is when one of you sends a kind word our way and it helps keep us centered.

A major shout out to my mom, Mr. Officer, The Army of Angels, the friends and family here in Minnesota, my day job for allowing me to take the time to be here and everyone else who has helped as well. Many of my close friends are sending emails and letters and every single one is so helpful. Thank you so much.

There is a science to rotating the breakdowns. It’s important that one person stays sane and competent while another breaks down and then yet another go grabs the coffee, or aleve or just holds the person. Because if everyone is crying while running errands, including the driver…its makes it very hard to get to where you are going. And we have to get to the pastor because he needs the clothes. And we have to get to walmart because we have to scan pictures.

Tinu’s Wake ~ A Gathering of Friends and Family was tonight. If I can muster up the strength I’ll keep you posted on everything involved. Right now, I must sleep. It’s 4am. I have to wake up in just 4 hours. As you can tell, I’m the one with the problem sleeping this week.

Give yourself grace today. Tell yourself that you are enough. And do a random act of kindness to a stranger.

Tinuola Olateju