What You Should Not Ask ~ Tinuola Olateju
Tomorrow will mark the one month anniversary of Tinu’s death in the human sense. I find that it is still very much a sensitive subject for me. And I find that since I am friends with each of the three older sisters, it feels like three different friends each had a death in their family when I interact with them. The pain is bareable but the wound is great.
I will write tomorrow in honor of Tinu or in memory of her but today is for something entirely different. I will hope to manage my emotions but I find that the words annoyed, ansy and almost pissed the fuck off are coming to mind more than peace, love and graciousness.
I could easily think of this in the positive light. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to give in to my higher self right now. I’m going to put her away for a few minutes so that I can address an issue that continues to arise.
I am grateful that many people who are connected to Tinu personally or impersonally feel free to write me asking questions, offering their perspective, sharing their memories and such. Thank you for everyone who does that and I hope you continue to do that.
What I am not grateful for are the people who continue to ask me, “How did she do it?” “How did Tinu die?” “How did she commit suicide?”
Each time this question is raised I simply write back, “The family does not wish to share that information.”
While some Christians feel shame because of suicide and therefore they won’t even speak the word outloud..which I think is one of the reasons it continues to happen…the Olatejus do not feel shame. They know Tinu is in the presence of their God. They have joined Anti Suicide campaigns & groups and speak passionately about it.
But for their own privacy, they decided as a family the way in which Tinu took her life would be kept amongst themselves and a small number of people who are extremely close to the family.
That is their right, their choice and their decision.
So the constant questioning of how it happened from people…many of which aren’t even close with the family baffles me.
I am not trying to judge you, but why the hell do you want to know?
Do you want to suicide proof your house so your teen won’t do it too?
Is there just some curiosity within you that just wants to know?
Are you just one of those people who slows down when passing a crash?
The fact is it doesn’t matter HOW she did it. She could have done it a million different ways. It doesn’t change the fact that she did it. Tinu took her own life. Something happened in her heart and her mind and in her soul that she felt that was her only choice at the time.
I’m not sure how knowing the manner in which it took place would help you.
Why do you want to know?
Answer me that.
Do you think, I want to support my teenagers and make sure it doesn’t happen to them? People can take their own life in literally any way. There are a million ways to die. So there is no way to suicide proof your home. The point is to suicide proof your heart and your mind and your soul. Instead of focusing on how she did it, focus on taking a look at yourself, your family, your friends, your neighbors, your colleagues…look at the people in your life and LOVE them. Love them dearly. That is what you should focus on. Instead of focusing on her death, focus on the family that is still alive and how you can reach out the them. Whether that be a card, a call, a meal or a simple prayer.
Don’t email me again asking “How did Tinu die?” You can email me your other questions or your thoughts or your stories of Tinu. You can write about yourself, the ways in which you are going to intentionally love and be present. You can write a novel to me.
But stop asking me how she did it.
Her family does not want to share that.
You should respect their choice.
ADDENDUM: Wondering how it happened, I believe is natural. It was one of the first things I wondered when I found out after the shock had worn off. But continuing to question it, after being told the family doesn’t want to share…that is what I have a major problem with.
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I’m very very glad you wrote this post. What an innappropriate array of questions at a time when things are still so raw. It’s especially crass when these questions are asked in public places…like say, facebook.
It is good that you spoke up. I agree that curiosity is natural…but persistently asking in the face of being told “no” is rude.
I am more concerned, actually, with what she was like prior. Are there things that we as parents should be looking for in our own children.
Having said that, though, I also recognize that it is going to be different with each person. I am sure Tinu’s family loved her deeply. And Tinu must have been very good at hiding what she was going through inside. Sometimes…there just isn’t anything one can do.
But…as you wrote…is very important to focus on the living. We need to be very open to one another…not living in our own little worlds assuming that everything is fine with everyone else.
My heart goes out to Tinu’s family and friends…and the family and friends of everyone who has taken this course of action. There are still questions regarding my own sister’s death. And you know what…I still have a difficult time when someone asks me how she died. There are times I can answer…and times when I just cannot go there.
Sending you lots of love and hugs, my friend.