Clean Fights & Dirty Sex

A reporter asked Kevin Bacon what was the secret to his 20 year+ marriage. His immediate response without a single blink was, “Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.” I have never forgotten that quote. Not only is it sexy, it is extremely juicy….and VERY TRUE.

Conflict is a natural occurance in any friendship or relationship. It can not be avoided, although we can do our best to keep it at a minimal. Conflict in and of itself is not a negative thing. How we handle that conflict is where we get into trouble or where we grow in our friendships and relationships.

In our four year relationship, Mr. Officer and I have had our moments of conflict. We see things VERY differently at times. That does not necessarily mean conflict will arise. I’ve noticed that conflict arises for a few reasons between us.

1. Lack of Communication

2. Miscommunication

3. Expectations

4. Assumptions

Perhaps you’d add or take away from this list, but this is our list. Most of my issues arise from one of these four things. Conflict doesn’t happen often, but when it does I can go back to that list and pick one or a couple of those reasons to get to the core.

What I love about our conflict, disagreement or differences is that we KEEP THEM CLEAN. Knowing that we are ALWAYS respectful to one another gives me the freedom to deal with our conflict and not have a negative perspective. Even if we haven’t reached a solution yet and are still working at it, I have peace in knowing our fights STAY clean.

1. We NEVER yell. It’s a simple as that. We have NEVER yelled at each other. We do not raise our voices EVER. It’s just not allowed. Maybe yelling isn’t a big deal to you and you do it all the time and it really means nothing but for us, we just DO NOT do it. I emphasize this because its so important for us. Maintaining a tone of respectfulness and love, even when we are saying hard things to each other is key. I love that. I love that he has never raised his voice at me and I have never done that to him.

2. We DO NOT call each other names. Most times he refers to me as sweetie and baby. (I’m still getting used to that but it is music to my ears.) I can only recall that when we are disagreeing he has said, “Sheena, listen…..” One person told me that she and her husband got into a fight and he called her a “selfish b*tch.” I’m sorry what?!?! Just who are you married to? Another friend when talking about her fiance during a fight referred to him as “such an a$$hole.” What! Even if they embody every characteristic of a pig, donkey, jerk or bastard…I think its uncalled for to ever refer to someone as that. Again, it may be normal for you. However, I’m able to look back on EVERY disagreement we’ve had and I don’t have ANY negative emotions that are conjured up. Because we have always remained respectful. We did not raise our voices and we’ve never called each other names.

3. We give each other space. Sometimes I really want to hash something out and Mr. Officer will simply say, “I don’t want to have this conversation right now. Not tonight.” and we leave it at that. I don’t demand that he continues to talk about it. This mainly works for me though. I need to have time to my thoughts. I have to think things through, write about them, sleep on it, write some more, have conversations in my head and once I’ve reached a place of clarity and articulation, I’m then ready to discuss them with him. He gives me the day or the week or however long I need to deal with what’s going on with me. (Most of the times what you’re fighting about, isn’t what you really are fighting about and its important to figure out the heart of the matter.) The fact that we give each other space doesn’t mean we don’t care about the other or don’t want to be near the other. Both are personalities are independent and we value our alone time. Perhaps space isn’t what you and your significant other needs but its what we need. We figured out what we needed and gave each other that. What is it that you need? Do you receive what you need, even in your disagreements?

4. We know when to let go. Some disagreements just need to be let go. You have to choose your battles. We both know when to just let something pass and to leave it there. Letting it go doesn’t mean you bring it back up months later, you just let it go.

5. We know when to go at the issue. Mr. Officer and I once had a conflict and it kept picking with me which in turn was picking at him. He likes harmony and he knew that something was really eating at me. I just couldn’t place it. After giving me two weeks to think about it without prodding me, I finally brought the issue back up. “I’ve been thinking and I figured it out,” I said one night. Rather than saying, “That’s old news. Why are you bringing this up?” We talked in depth about it. We found multiple solutions. It was just magic. I could have just let the issue past because it wasn’t a big deal but at the time it was more important to really figure out what was really going on. In doing so we found out a need we both had and were able to meet those needs.

6. We do not compromise. WHAT DID SHE JUST WRITE!?!?!?! We do not compromise. I think compromise means both parties lose a little bit so that a mediocre middle can be met. Why not shoot for full satisfaction. Rather than compromising we come up with creative solutions through effective problem solving. We have high standards and yes they are different but if you are diligient and hardworking you can find a way for both your standards to be met. That is, if its something thats important.

7. We communicate with each other and not everybody else. Classic example. I once sought my mom’s advice about something going on with Mr. Officer and I. I can’t even remember what it was about. The next time I saw Mr. Officer I said, “My mom told me…” He stopped me immediately. “Does your mom sleep in our bed?” And silence from Sheena. Sure, your friends and therapist and everybody else has an opinion on how you can work things out with your significant other but if you’re talking to them more than you talk to your lover…something is wrong with that picture. For every sentence I may tell my bestfriend, Mr. Officer has heard the full paragraph. He is my confidant and he knows what’s going on before any one else.

8. We keep the past in the past. Even if there is a repeat offense. Toothpaste cap left on the sink. Clothes on the floor. Whatever…keep the past in the past. Don’t bring a two month old disagreement into your current one. Its just dirty, unfair and uncalled for. Unless someone is setting a pattern of abuse, you really don’t need to drag baggage around like that. It takes too much effort and its hurtful and annoying.

Our conflict resolution isn’t always perfect and there’s still room for improvement but I can say that every disagreement has been respectful and loving, even when we say things the other doesn’t want to hear or have to hash out the issues.

I know I need to work on my faces. I do not have a poker face and I roll my eyes like a bowling ball. I can always stand to listen more actively and I need to consider more of  his perspective over needing to always express mine. That would really help me out!

Once we’ve reached a solution to our issue, we always give each other lots of love. Whether its through cuddling, kissing, massaging, …….. ENTERING HAPPY PLACE NOW.

Apricot Tea also wrote a great post called How To Fight Fair with your Lover. Check it out. Lots of good stuff there. How do you fight clean with your significant other?

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