Farewell to Your Heroes, Pt 3

by SLY on August 29th, 2010

As mentioned in two previous posts, I believe there comes a time when specific relationships have traveled their intended course in your life and its now time to move on. I am particularly speaking of relationships with mentors, counselors, coaches, therapist, heroes, role models and other kinds of “leaders” in your life.

The need for this closure can manifest due to many reasons.

The intended goals have been met. (I wrote on this in Farewell to Your Heroes ~ Pt 1)
You are headed in completely different directions. (I wrote on this in Farewell to Your Heroes ~ Pt 2)
An issue has arisen of a negative nature and its best to sever the tie.

What would you add?

REASON NUMBER 3: An issue has arisen of a negative nature and its best to sever the tie.

EXAMPLE ONE: Early this year I became a part of a community dedicated to a cause regarding raising awareness and personal empowerment. At the helm of this mighty vessel was someone I admired and looked to as a role model and a hero. Over time I noticed certain things I didn’t necessarily agree with. There were certain catch phrases, schools of thought and subtle messages that were a bit off-putting to me. Most conversations were infused with constant messages to donate money and unhealthy habits and tendencies were spilling all over the board. Victim mentality was running wild and this seemed to be encouraged in a subtle way. Those who were strong, vocal and opinionated were shunned and labeled. Whenever questions were raised regarding certain messages, discrepancies or confusion, this admirable person played coy, deflected and lied. I could go on but I won’t. For those interested you can read, “When the Army Revolts.” It’s password protected but I’ve shared it with people I trust.

I realize the traits that are known for a hero… courageous, brave, noble and strong no longer fit the criteria for how I viewed this person. They weren’t my hero anymore. They were more so a fallen angel. No. They were merely human like the rest of us. Of sacredness but still human. Over time, I have slowly disconnected myself from this person and their specific cause. This involved cutting all ties, backing completely away and never donating to them again.

EXAMPLE TWO: When I was a teenager, my family and church insisted that I seek counseling for some of the issues going on in my past. In the very first counseling session with this particular spiritual counselor…(he wasn’t licensed or certified which should have been a clue)…but in the very first session he said I would not be able to heal and transform my life until I had forgiven the person who had caused the pain in my life. Therefore, he welcomed this criminal..yes criminal..into the session and simply said I had to forgiven him before I did anything else. I was terrified but I said what I needed to say for the session to continue and be over. Afterwards I told my mother I never wanted to go to that counselor again.

These are two examples of these kinds of relationships going terribly wrong. These kinds of relationships can go sour for many reasons. Perhaps you have a therapist who’s really taking advantage of you. Perhaps your mentor is using your gifts and talents to further their cause. Maybe your role model turned out to be a murderer. Who knows.

What I have learned is that even though at one time someone may be my role model, coach, tutor, mentor or etc..does not mean that I have to stick with them if they are no longer bringing light into my life and if I can not be myself with them.

How do you avoid these scenarios? How do you evaluate whether you are in one or not? How to you gracefully exist one?

1. Know that you are enough

When you are entering a new relationship with a mentor or counselor or whomever…ultimately know that you are enough. Sure you are seeking their guidance as a counselor to work through a problem or you join forces with a new mentor to become a better photographer BUT you are enough on your own. Always know that. Ultimately you can heal yourself. You can do your own research. You can find the resources you need. I never wrap my faith up and the totality of my being into someone else. Remember my post, “Don’t Go with the Flow, Be the Flow.” You are the flow of life. Take control!

2. Evaluate the relationship on a consistent basis.

Every now and then, ask yourself is this relationship enhancing your life? Does it bring light into your life? Do they take your energy away or revitalize it? Do you dread your future interactions with them or do you look forward to your time together? Are you able to voice your opinion or does the thought of that scare you?

If after evaluating your relationship with this mentor, role model, hero, etc and you find you are no longer aligned with them and things are spiraling downhill fast, try these things for a clean break.

1. Just let it go.

Don’t cry over spilled milk. The relationship is done. Walk away and let it be. If a conversation between the two of you needs to be had, have it. Although you should know you may not get what you want out of that conversation. Remember example one above. When confronted this person played coy, deflected and outright lied. So walk away and let it be. (Unless they’ve done something illegal. Then I recommend holding them accountable to the full extent of the law.)

2. Mentally let it go.

So you’ve broken your tie. You deleted them from your phone. You unlinked them from your website. You threw your batman t-shirt in the garbage but you find that you’re still thinking about it. In thinking about it, you get angrier and things just seem to get worse. You have to let it go from your mind too. Don’t think about what was. Focus on the now. You give them your power every time you think about them. Take your power back. If you need to, write a letter that they will NEVER receive. It may help to calm down the metaphorical demons chanting in your head.

3. Protect your interest or investment.

Perhaps you’ve been working with a mentor but due to issues, you know you need to sever tie. If you’ve collaborated on projects, make sure your interest is protected. Did you have agreements and contracts? Get them out and review them. Did you give money with an agreed upon outcome? Make sure you have copies of the paperwork that state that. (As mentioned above, hold them accountable to the full extent of the law.)

4. Use your voice.

Speak up and speak out but do not slander, gossip or spread rumors. Speak the truth. People may not like that but they can simply cover their ears.

5. Learn the lesson.

After having negative interactions like the examples given above and many others, I’ve learned what I’m looking for in mentors, counselors, heroes, therapist, role models and such. I know what I need and do not need. I know what to look for and what my red flags are. I am wiser and stronger for the experience and grateful.

6. Live in good intentions

As you can see from the title of the post, coming to a closure for me is meant with the best intentions. FAREWELL. I didn’t say goodbye, fuck off or go jump in a lake. Maybe occasionally in past letters I’ve written that no one will ever see but once I’ve calmed down my negative emotions associated with a severed tie, I can say farewell. Rather than wishing harm on this person or hating any time their name is mentioned, be graceful. Never think of them again. (Unless there’s a pending legal case.) Walk away and bid them farewell.

This little series is not all inclusive by any means but its the beginning of things I’ve thought about and wanted to share. If you have things you want to add or point out or question, let me know. These are my personal experiences. I only speak on the authority of my life.

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When Your good Mentor Goes Bad

Mentoring Relationships: 7 Tips for Coming to a Closure