A Trojan Horse Virus in the System Restore of Your Mind ~ A Perspective on Depression
I once had a Trojan Horse virus in the system restore of my computer back in 2005. This meant that any effort to restore my computer to any previously backed up state was a moot point. The virus lived in the system restore. My computer was fucked. Aside from my writings which were backed up online, I lost everything else.
In my experience, the same thing can be said for those suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts & tendencies. I can’t speak in generalizations. I can only speak for myself and those I have encountered. There appears to be a virus in your system restore. There is a deep rooted virus that has attached itself to your mind which then attaches itself to your body and your actions. Therefore even the way you look at things “logically” is blurred and sometimes you don’t even realize it.
What does this mean? Every now and then during my battle with depression in college, I would have a moment of clarity. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to sustain that moment. It quickly vanished. This is the same thing that happened with my computer’s system restore. It would begin to reset itself. It started connecting to a previous backed up time and then the virus would rear its ugly head and my computer would just freak out.
Looking back, what this meant for my depression was that trying to hold on to a previous state when I was happy or ok wasn’t working anymore. I couldn’t tap into who I used to be. Every time I began to go there…to remember someone’s wise word, to go back to the bible, to go back to prayer…the virus would rear its ugly head again.
It came to a point where my computer was done. Perhaps a highly trained professional could have worked his magic on my computer. Maybe he could have even found my music and videos. Maybe. That is one way it could have been fixed. That’s not the way I chose to do it. I bought a new computer that wasn’t prone to viruses. I bought better software. I developed better habits for maintaining the integrity of my computer. I even bought insurance.
The same thing can be said for my past depression. There was no way I could go back to the old Sheena, the good little Christian girl who I used to be. And perhaps “professionals” could have “healed” me. A therapist. A Pastor. Prayer. Medicine. The list could go on. However, the initial healing begin with myself. I had to get a new mind. I had to completely change my paradigm of thinking. The way I saw the world and processed it had to change.
I say all this to say from my perspective, you can try these generic methods to try and reach out to a depressed person if you want to. (My friends and family didn’t even know I was depressed or suicidal). However, before you try your methods you’ve got to understand there is a trojan horse virus in their system restore. Their mind has a cancer that has spread into almost every part of their being. You should understand that. I’m not offering any fixes or anything, I’m just giving another way at looking at a depressed person.
This post is written in honor of Suicide Prevention Awareness Month and in honor of Tinuola Olateju. Tinu is the 15 year old sister of one of my closest friends who took her own life in May of 2010. It has been a challenge to process this and the experience of assisting her family with planning her funeral for gut wrenching and heart breaking. I am so sad that we were not able to help her in the ways that she needed it. It is my hope that by talking about this subject, I will begin to shed light on such a tragic epidemic and sickness.
February 15, 1995 – May 29, 2010
Facebook Group: In Loving Memory of Tinuola Olateju
Facebook Group: R.I.P Tinu
Relevant issues, sites, & topics….
Out of Darkness Overnight Walk
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
American Association for Suicidology
Suicide Awareness Voices Education
Suicide Prevention Resource Center
The Samaritans of NYC (Suicide Prevention)
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
Photo Credit 1
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I am not a licensed therapist or counselor. These post should not substitute for professional help. If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, please do what you need to to get them immediate help. Help can manifest in many forms.
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As always Sheena, you manage to put into words the thoughts and feelings I never can.
Just posted this on your FB Page: http://bit.ly/mJSyOx
TED talk on the power we have to retrain our brains & how new technologies are helping us to do so.