Remembering ~ Tinuola Olateju

by SLY on December 22nd, 2010

Dear Tinu,

I’m remembering my year. Reflecting & remembering and the loss of you stands in the middle of it all.

I wasn’t prepared for just the thought to stop me cold. It’s always in the remembering.

You forget for a moment. Maybe even for a day. I think its been a few days since I thought of you. Writing that hurts my heart because I want to think of you every day.

Today, I was going through my year, marking moments by the weight of its significance. Marking the moments by how they touched my heart. Marking the moments by how they moved my soul.

I landed in the middle. I landed at the end of May when dear Lola called me early in the morning. That’s one of those moments. I am unsure how to clear my mind right now.

[photo credit]

I am thankful that in difficult moments like these, there is an angel of grief. And maybe there is a saint of grief. Perhaps there’s a god of grief in the history of Egypt or Greece. Perhaps someone else knows how this loss feels. How, I’m scared to truly feel it because I’ll get lost in it.

I don’t want you to be gone but I don’t know how to bring you back.

I know we all experience loss. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY. I know.

I know those reading may have lost their mind. They may have lost their dad. They may have lost their soul. They may have lost their way. They may have lost it all. I know. I know I am not alone. And what I feel compares to nothing, if I consider what Lola and her entire family must feel. I no nothing of losing a sibling. I would crack in half at just the thought.

But, Tinu…I can’t go back. I am not the same.

Nothing prepares you for the death of a child.

And it fucks you over when that child took her own life.

I know I’ll never know the answer, but dear, sweet child what was that heavy burden?

I keep going back to that week in Minnesota. Planning your funeral with my best friend. Tinu, I will never be the same and I am sorry and I am still hurting. And sometimes I try not to think of you because I find I can’t breathe. And I feel bad for writing that but I know I have to acknowledge this in order to move through it.

Today, I remembered again and it stopped me dead in my tracks.

I carry you in my heart, sweet child.

Tinuola Olateju

February 15, 1995 – May 29, 2010