Six Months and Still Tender ~ Tinuola Olateju

by SLY on December 1st, 2010

I could not bring myself to write on the actual six month anniversary of Tinu’s death. I was able to write a few days before (Rest for Your Weary Soul) and now that there is some distance in time, I can think a little now. You should know it has been raining non stop today.

“Raining” isn’t even fair. The New York sky has been sobbing today. Like it lost its soul and doesn’t know what to do. I imagine it is crying for Tinu. A lot of us have been solemn this week and we’ve shed tears of pain and loss that you could not imagine. And finally the earth and sky and heaven are joining in. Tinu even nature cries for you. (To understand the significance of rain and funerals and death and my sadness, you should read this, “An Open Letter to the Dead“.)

I find my heart is still tender. It’s like when someone says your name or I think about what happened or what is happening now that you are gone…its like someone touching a wound that has not yet healed. My body reacts and it says, “Ouch!” And my soul says “ouch” too and my mind and my heart. Everything is saying ouch. And there is no medicine to numb this pain. I know to get to the other side, I have to go through it. Sometimes these emotions make me feel like a child. On my good days I am balanced and well but then, these emotions of loss sweep over me and take my breath away. I never imagined this. I am sadden by this. I am so sorry for this. I want to change this. I never want to experience this again.

I know others will die. One day I will die too. But my heart cannot take this kind of loss. Tinu you altered things inside of me. I thought maybe I was almost done growing up and now I see I still have so much work to do.

My heart is heavy. It carries you.

February 15, 1995 – May 29, 2010