The Siren has Awoken: Sheila Kelley Factor

“Let your body take up space.” That is what I remember from last night. Among many quotables, all of which I wish I could remember, I recall my instructor saying, “Let your body take up space.” We need more people telling us this every day!

I am currently enrolled in weekly classes at Sheila Kelley S Factor after trying her  introductory class a little while back. I knew that I’d enjoy myself. I knew I’d learn a few fun tricks. I knew I’d channel my inner sex kitten. (Inner? Hmmm.)

Despite all that, I wasn’t prepared to encounter myself.

Sometimes when I dance in Afro Caribbean dance class or at a club or at home when no one’s watching…I’m still dancing for someone, whether they are present or not. Or I find myself creating fanciful story ideas in my head to compliment the choreography. I let my imagination run away with me. I enjoy this.

I didn’t do that this time. I didn’t let my imagination runaway. I didn’t dance for anyone or with any idea in mind. I took the time to feel the weight of body. To touch every curve. To move how I felt in the moment. I walked slowly. I fell into the wall. I slithered across the floor.  I’ve never played in my hair so much.

I met myself in my class last night. I was selfish and greedy and slothful and sensual and magical. Sometimes I growled. Sometimes I bite my lip. And I could not stop moving my ass. My ass is so amazing.

*****

I’ve been wondering, under what circumstances do we ever take the time to discover ourselves in a sensual way. In many repressive settings, sexuality is hidden. We move about not feeling the weight of ourselves.  We live from the neck up.

By the time one has a sexual encounter, it is unknown where to go from there. And even in the growth, without being given the opportunity to know yourself completely, it is never quite fulfilling.

Its only with this class that I can now say to someone, “Move your hand like honey down my inner thigh. Slowly. I want to feel every bit.”

I’m not too keen on masturbation. It has never worked wonders for me. But this…this lover affair with myself set to music in a dimly candle lit room with no mirrors, yoga mats and a wood floor that buckles with my touch…this is where I find myself.

My hips moved in so many slow, intentional circles that I now know they do not have a limit. I could lean against a wall and rotate them around and around and around again and only when I’m ready will I slowly let every curve of my body descend to the floor.

I wish you could understand this.  I wish you could know what I know.

I know myself. The sensual, sexual, slow dripping curvy part of myself.  I know how a certain musical tones makes my body twist just so. I could seduce you while you were sleeping and you wounld not even know.

When we first begin working through our loose choreography I imagined a certain someone sitting in the corner watching my every move. This lasted for three seconds.  I dismissed the image. No one was watching me. The exotic creative within that is just beneath the surface of my skin pushed through. She needed air. She has spent too long under social constraints. She has had too many repressive words shoved down her throat and she gasped as she came back to life.

And at some point, she came out. She came out slowly. She dripped her way across the floor and took all the time in the world. She is big. Perhaps even ten feet tall and she has a tail that she whips back and forth. She can not be contained. She spends her times with the likes of Medusa, Pandora and the Fates. She will destroy you. Do not touch her. Do not speak in her presence. Do not breath. You should not be here. This is her lair. She wills as the spirit moves her.

The Siren Has Awoken from her slumber

Years ago when I first graduated from Wheaton, in an effort to find myself and what I believed, I removed all the constraints of my understanding. This is a dangerous place to be and I would recommend adding back a foundation before too long if one attempts such a feat. During this time I discovered parts of my character I hadn’t really encountered before. One such archtype was the siren and the destroyer.  Without any understanding they ran loose. I did not know how to control or harness my power. I thought the only way to get a hold of this was the silence them, especially the siren. I hog tied her and threw her in the closet years ago. I shoved her mouth with gauze and I forced her to cross her legs. I replaced her with some docile version of my sensual self. I thought I had to do this. I remember a friend telling me that when I matured, I would know how to will this power. I doubted him. I thought it would be the death of me. He was right!

The Siren is back. She emerges and recedes as she pleases.  More than likely you will never encounter her. You may catch a glimmer but you will never know her. No one touches a goddess except for her god.

To read my first review of Sheila Kelley’s S Fact class, click here.

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