I Thought She was Confused, an excerpt

by SLY on August 5th, 2011

I was searching through my emails for something and I came across this one. A few years back, a friend from the past reconnected with me via social media. It took her a few days of seeing my posts to realize I wasn’t the twelve year old girl she remembered from the past. After a few exchanging, mainly her sharing bible verse after verse and myself saying, “We believe different things. Let’s just leave it at that,” there were still unresolved issues.

At the time I didn’t have the patience or grace to continue speaking with her so I asked a family member to step in and help me. After the family member shared a bit of our story, her response was the following.

I am very sorry that I offended you and your daughter. I am not the same person I was back then either. I really did not mean to be insensitive. I did not know for sure what had happened to Sheena. My sister only told me last year and I thought she was confused because there was so much bad things happening back then. I wasn’t even in church when most things happened. I was away at school and in the military and dealing with other things. I still haven’t really known or understood what was going on back then. I am really sorry and I wasn’t trying to preach. I wanted to know why she believed what she did. You are right, I didn’t take time to find out what happened because it scared me to find out what really happened and made me sad to think about all the time we spent with him. Having children now it has become my worst fear of something that could happen. You could call me or I could call you and formally apologize if you allow me to. I am very sorry to have come across like that. Please accept my apology I only wrote her when she said it was okay. If I had known she didn’t want to talk about it I wouldn’t have. I really do love Sheena. I didn’t have many friends then and I don’t now. I value the ones I have had. Could I please call you and apologize?

*****

I want to focus on a few comments.

“I THOUGHT SHE WAS CONFUSED.”

“I DIDN’T TAKE THE TIME TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED BECAUSE IT SCARED ME.”

Below, is only an excerpt from the paper trial of my case. You should note, Daniel wasn’t being entirely honest. How is it that I know what his penis looks like if he claims he only licked & touched my body? Whatever, Daniel! Also, a few years = 7 years. The first time you started “licking” me was when we lived on 71st and Champlain. The last time you touched me was when we lived on 123rd street at the “church mansion.” That spans 7 years, not just a few. Check your records. I’ve got the memory of an elephant. Also your authentic concern over my well being and healing, duly noted. Thanks asshole.

And to the friend from the past, there was no confusion. For 7 years of my life I was sexually abused and molested by my ex step father which was also your sunday school teacher. It happened. It keeps happening to many children EVERY DAY. Find out about this issue so that it doesn’t happen to your three children.

I just think the comment, “I thought she was confused…” is so telling. If someone said, “This person murdered my cousin,” your response wouldn’t be, “Maybe you’re confused.” If someone said, “This person stole my car,” your response wouldn’t be, “Maybe you’re confused.” If someone said anything of the sort, usually our default answer isn’t to assume the person is confused. HOWEVER, when it comes to sexual assault and abuse, our DEFAULT is in the negative.

“Are you confused?”

“Are you sure that happened?”

“What were you wearing?”

“Where you drinking?”

“Was their mix signals?”

Here’s my question, “Just what the fuck?”

To be fair, the woman in question has since made amends but it just highlights the perspective of so many others. Some thing has got to give. BELIEVE CHILDREN!!!!

This makes me think of the story of Big Bird and Snuffleupagus. Read the excerpt below from Wikia.

Mr. Snuffleupagus first appeared on Sesame Street in episode 0276, the third season premiere. When he first appeared, many of the adults assumed that he was Big Bird’s imaginary friend, due to a series of coincidences and near-miss encounters that continually kept Snuffleupaguses and humans apart. Big Bird would often try to find ways for Snuffy to meet the adults, but something would always cause Snuffy to leave before the humans could see him. Sometimes, all it would take for the adults to see Mr. Snuffleupagus would be to turn their heads, yet they usually wouldn’t do so until Snuffy had already gone.

Various kids could see Mr. Snuffleupagus, some Muppets saw him, and even a few celebrities (including Judy Collins, in a fantasy sequence) saw him, but the major human characters never believed his existence until episode 2096 in 1985.

Mr. Snuffleupagus became real to the entire cast for a few reasons. One was because the writers were running out of new ways to have Snuffy just barely miss meeting them. Another factor was increased concerns that the adults’ refusal to believe Big Bird’s claims of his friend’s existence would discourage children from sharing important things with their parents. ^[2]