If love can’t cure it, nurses can. ~Author Unknown
Every other week we have assignments in S Factor class. During my time in Level Five, we had a “Naughty Nurse” assignment that peaked my interest. I did not want to wear a naughty nurse costume but I definitely wanted to play with this medicinal theme. Ben Harper’s rendition of Sexual Healing seemed like a good idea to begin with. Once given the assignment though, I spent a week exploring various songs. My Naughty Nurse playlist consisted of He Heals Me by India.Arie, Heal Over by K.T. Tunstall, The Healer by Erykah Badu, Healing Hands by Citizen Cope, Heartburn by Alicia Keys, Heartless by the Fray, Lifeline by Citizen Cope and even Who Will Save Your Soul by Jewel. Notice a theme? Apparently “Naughty Nurse” for me is about “Healing” and “Heart.”
Creating detailed playlist is something I do every week. As soon as we’re given the assignment I find music in various genres to match the mood i may feel for the day while still keeping in line with the theme. Half way through the week, I decided on a song I’ve always loved, 911 by Wyclef John and Mary J. Blige. I had this big idea to dance with a red scarf hidden and when he talks about being shot and hurt, I planned to pull the scarf out and dance with it. I had all these grand ideas!!
A few days before class, I went to the doctor. It was time for my annual OBGYN check up and its always good to be tested for HIV, STI’s and god knows what else. I always enter these test with a bit of hesitancy. I feel that you can do EVERYTHING to protect yourself but still there is a chance that you could have contracted something and for some reason, I felt worried. I think I worried myself into a stupor because after seeing my doctor, I fell ill. I was in pain, my body hurt, I couldn’t get comfortable and I found myself sobbing on the phone with my doctor asking for help. He prescribed medicine but perhaps this physical discomfort was a manifestation of my own worry and guilt. Maybe my sensual nature isn’t what it’s cracked up to be, my voice of judgement tried to reason. Maybe I love too freely? Maybe my desires lead to death? I don’t know. I just know I felt guilty but I didn’t have a source for it and the guilt manifested into physical form, so much so that my doctor had to prescribe medicine. Le sigh. This wasn’t the sexy SLY or crazy siren ISIS that I was used to.
The day of class I walked in slowly. My body was still aching. My stomach was in pain and I didn’t think I’d be able to do anything except simply lay on my mat for the entirety of class. Even with knowing I couldn’t do anything without extreme pain, I knew that the safest, most compassionate place I could be was at the S Factor studios. I feel as if the doctor can only do so much. Seems to me that S Factor has a way of healing my body from the inside out by connecting to something deeper than what a pill could fix.
As soon as our warm up begin, our instructor JILL started saying all the right things. She spoke of touching our bodies with compassion, something of which I was in need of. How often do I physically touch myself with compassion? Not enough. As has been the case during my low energy days in class, it appears that S Factor is a balm over my wounds, my heart ache and my misplaced emotions. Its a way to channel that energy into movement and to just let go. It’s a creative way to fix problems that seem to have no other solution.
“Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.” – Buddha
Half way into our warm up, I no longer felt any pain. Maybe this was simply a temporary high. Maybe it was an intentional, well thought out plan on S Factor’s part that allow for a warm up that reminds your body of all the magnificent ways it can move. Maybe it was all in my head. But that couldn’t be. My body was physically different than when I had limped into class.
What ever it was, it was working. My fears, concerns, worry and guilt were melted away with the compassionate touch of my hand on my belly. I’m not speaking metaphors. This isn’t pretend. Internal and External changes happen to me in this class. My body stirs and then my spirit awakens. It’s crazy but phenomenal to me how touching my skin and moving my hands along my body in a safe environment calms me. It calmed my emotional fears so much that I burst into tears. I spend the remainder of our warm up, working out my emotional issues in a physical way as the tears streamed down my face. It was so safe to break down in this manner. It was so loving and giving and exactly what I needed.
Once it was time for our freestyle dances with the Naughty Nurse theme, I had changed my music choice. 911 just wasn’t going to cut where my body and soul were right now. When it was my turn to dance, I cued up “I Need a Doctor” by Dr. Dre featuring Eminem and Skylar Grey. Language aside, the chorus of this song and the way the music hits my body was exactly what I needed. It was a turn for my erotic creature. A turn/change that my teacher made sure to provide feedback on afterwards. She spoke of how my body wanted so much, how it was about my breathe, how my entire body thrust back and forth. She spoke of how I’d flow slowly and then once again without warning throw my entire being into my move. “You’re working something out,” she said. I confirmed with a nod.
After class, I took my time getting home. It would be a few days before I felt better completely. Days later, my worries would be subsided by good news from my doctor of a clean bill of health and by that next week in class, I was back to being a tease. But what i found interesting was that the doctor could only do some much. Any outside source can only do so much. The process of healing is a personal journey that starts with accepting yourself where you are, giving yourself compassion and grace and intentionally touching yourself with love, be that emotionally, physically, spiritually, metaphysically or metaphorically.
Eventually you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is. ~ Gary Zukav
I’m grateful that S Factor provided a trusting, safe environment where I can explore that very facets of self healing. I’m able to take my emotions, my yearnings and even my worries put them to movement and work out my own personal psychosis. I hope you have a place in your life for this, a place where you’re able to physically allow for a moving meditation that channels your spirit while administering a balm over all of your hurt. My journey in S is all encompassing. I’m not surprised by some of my revelations but examples like above, I hadn’t planned for that. I am ever ever ever grateful!
Please touch yourself with compassion and love today. Slow down and find that place on your body that most needs attention. With the right amount of pressure, feel yourself today with love, compassion and grace.
“All healing is first a healing of the heart.” – Carl Townsend