If I am being absolutely, 100% honest with myself, there are only 3 people in this known galaxy, in this current space and time with whom I can be my complete, authentic, raw self with. This raw self wouldn’t even be referred to as “Sheena.” That’s a name given to this form of me years ago at my rebirth. The name of my true spirit, I can only refer to her/me as ISIS. I’m sure there is a more eloquent name but that’s what I call her.
I think we are lucky if we even manage to find one person with whom we can be our complete selves. It’s a gigantic risk. Literally, who exist in your world where you are able to speak your entire inner monologue out loud without judgement, correction, omission or preconceived notions? I’m not surprised by our culture’s lack in openness. We have too many standards, expectations, rules and beliefs to allow for true, authentic expression. Our humanness, most times, can not handle what our soul wants to say. Our feelings get hurt. Our expectations are not met. Our minds just cannot comprehend.
This isn’t to say we are being inauthentic or that none of our friends are true friends. I have a number of close friends that I’ve known for years. However because I respect them, I choose to use filters ar different times. Some asked for these filters and others, I just know to do so. One of my friend’s is a virgin so she would rather I not talk about my sexual exploits every time I see her. I get that! I understand that. There’s a time and place for everything.
But sometimes I want to be ALL of me ALL of the time. I’m grateful that if I want to talk about my sexual exploits every day of the week for 5 hours for an entire year, there are three people in my life with whom I have that freedom. Not that I exercise that absolute freedom but still, I know I have the freedom to do so.
Another friend made mention of some religious aspect to her life at a dinner once. Again, I was surrounded by friends. Free Thinkers. Open Minded. Creative. Fairly Liberal. Conscious. And yet, I still knew it wasn’t best to say the thoughts going on in my head. It wasn’t the time or place.
But again, I’m grateful that I have three people in my life that if I want to rage against religion for one hour straight on how the very concept of religion is the biggest piece of bullshit in the entire world with a very overt mission of controlling and overpowering and dumbing down…I know I can do it with them. I don’t do that all the time. I steer away from religious conversations and debates. But should I want to mount a soapbox and say ANYTHING I WANTED, there are three people in my life, no matter the time or day, where if I wanted to I could say “FUCK THE VIRGIN MARY.” Writing that here comes with its own risks. Someone is going to write me a private message telling me its inappropriate. Perhaps another “friend” will tweet me telling me I’m selfish and cold hearted and should grow up. Maybe a family member will say I didn’t have to exactly say it that way. Better honey than hot sauce. Except I like hot sauce. I like it spicy, in your face and aggression. I don’t need fluff. Sometimes you need Love and sometimes you need to say Fuck.
But I know, I KNOW with all my soul there are three people in my life who could give a rat’s ass what I said. They love me eternally, without reason and no matter what side I choose to show, they keep looking. directly at me.
I wish I could express my complete, authentic voice ALL of the time but society doesn’t allow for it. I can’t say FUCK every where I go. I simply can’t say every thought that enters my mind. Even this web space that I created for myself years ago comes with its own restrictions. As open as I appear to the public eye there are a great deal of things I’d never share on my own website, that I pay for and worked my ass off to develop. That’s just the way the world works.
And so, dear readers, I’m grateful. I’m grateful for Lola, for Kevin and for him… he’s knows his name. I’m grateful for the three of you because I’m able to strip the label and notions of Sheena and show you ISIS and to you, it is what it is.
I’ll try to explain best the difference between Sheena, ISIS and also SLY. If you’ve read my pole dancing blog, you’ll know I have two erotic creatures. SLY and ISIS. Most people have one. I have two distinct sirens within who are very different.
SLY is an absolute flirt. She’s a tease. She likes summer dresses, licking popsicle innocently knowing the notions and she like to play, among many other things. She’s feisty, fun and everyone wants to be her friend.
ISIS is best described as a monster. She is destructive, aggressive and sometimes violent. She likes tension, heaviness and dancing in white. She likes whips, tails and music that talks about the devil or jesus but not in ways that you think. ISIS is egotistical, selfish, dismissive and completely seductive. She will get in your psyche, seduce your mind to mush and then simply walk away. I love both SLY and ISIS without judgement. They are both manifestations of my sexuality and sensuality and it is what it is.
SHEENA is my social given name. It’s who I am. Strong. Vulnerable. Outspoken. Creative. Organized, to name a few. It’s who I am the moment I walk out of my front door. Its just as authentic as the SLY and the ISIS in me but its a public social mask. To most people I’ll always be Sheena LaShay. On a good day, they’ll get a dose of SLY. Hardly anyone EVER sees ISIS. It’s just not socially acceptable.
A great way to describe their differences is as follows. Upon meeting a friend for dinner at my favorite restaurant in New York on a cold winter day not too long ago, I realized my skirt had COMPLETELY risen up. I had patterned tights on but my skirt, underneath my full length coat had ridden up completely. If my coat hadn’t been on, my ass would have been exposed.
So upon arriving, I said to my friend, “Give me a moment. I need to pull down my skirt before I take my coat off.” I shimmied and worked it until my skirt was down and in its proper place covering my body. Then I took my coat off and checked it in. Perhaps a “normal” person would have gone to the bathroom to do this. Perhaps a “lady” wouldn’t have even announced the mishap out loud and would have been more subtle. Whatever. That’s what SHEENA did.
Later I told my friend, SLY would have taken her coat off first, said “oops” with a coy look and pulled the skirt down.
And ISIS…she wouldn’t have done a damn thing. She would have taken the coat off and let her ass be exposed. Its the nature of my inner beast.
BUT..I’m not complaining people. As agreed with my friend, ISIS would not survive in our society. There are too many rules and limitations to what we consider “human.” ISIS just can’t exist fully. And even SLY, there’s a time and place for her too. SHEENA is what most people want. I get it. I’ve made my peace with it. But I’m lucky, in that I get to show ISIS to those three. Whether they see ISIS’s thoughts or ISIS’s dance or her bare ass because she just won’t pull her skirt down. I’m grateful to have people that I can show my complete, raw self too.