One of Those Angry Letters ~ S.A.A.M.

When I’m angry at a friend, sometimes I want the entire world to be mad at them too. It’s my pride. It’s my ego. It’s my need for control & order. It’s my righteous indignation and unreasonable expectations. In my mind it would be nice if people understood this but I know that’s not reality. I’ve since let that desire go.

People who remain friends with my ex step father, the one who sexually assaulted me for seven years and beat me when I finally said, “Enough”, those people I will never understand. Those people make my skin crawl, especially the ones who have children. I just don’t know how to understand it. Maybe its the little girl victim in me throwing a tantrum. Who the fuck knows? I just don’t understand how you can be friend’s with him on facebook? I don’t get how you could welcome him into your home or hug him. I don’t want anyone to touch him or smile at him, unless first they acknowledge all the shit he did. He hurts children for pleasure. How is it that you’re ok with his version of Christ and I’m shunned or looked down upon because I call a spade a spade? That version of christ is utter bullshit.

There is no logic to my annoyance. I simply feel that people who stay friends with him without addressing the seven years of bullshit are telling him what he did was okay. I mean, I know none of you support child abuse, unless you’re a pedophile too but many of you also aren’t courageous enough to face the issue head on. You hide behind the bible. You hide behind fear. You hide behind tradition, behind the law, behind what you believe to be decorum. You hide. And I think the people who are friends with him, who know what happened, who never spoke a word and who maintain a relationship with him….I simply believe you all to be cowards who are complacent bystanders of child abuse. People like you sicken me.

I don’t want anything to do with you. You can’t be friends or connected with my ex step father and be connected with me. That’s one of those hard boundaries I draw. I don’t need to give an explanation or have a psychological breakdown of why I feel that way. You just can’t have both. Go worship Jesus with the pedophile. Please leave me the fuck alone.

You know, I have his youngest brother on tape defending him. This is how it happened. My brother graduated from 8th grade a few years back. The younger brother of the pedophile decided to bring him to my brother’s graduation unbeknownst to us. I felt uncomfortable but I was not scared. A slight scene was made. When I tried to explain to the younger brother of the pedophile why I felt uncomfortable around him, i.e., the abuse, the younger brother simply repeated over and over, “But he’s my brother.” In essence he was saying, “I don’t care that you were abused for seven years. And I don’t care that seeing him now makes you feel weird. I don’t care about you in any way. My brother, even though he takes pleasure in children’s body’s wants to be here right now and his desires outweigh your victimization. He’s my brother. I will do what he wants. Fuck you.”

That’s what I heard when he said, “But he’s my brother.” That’s what I hear when any of you defend him. I would really like you all to go fuck yourselves.
This month is Sexual Assault Awareness month. Every day I’ll be writing all types of posts regarding this issue and my personal experiences.

I create videos as a way to share my story. You can watch three related ones by clicking the titles below.

My Name Is….Sheena LaShay

Sexual Assault Awareness Month – 2010

Sexual Assault Awareness Month – Day of Action 2011

If you are a victim of abuse and assault and you would like to seek help or report your crime, please find all kinds of resources at RAINN. If you would like to share your story with me privately, be featured this month either publicly or anonymously or you just need an encouraging word, please shoot me an email at SheenaLaShay [at] Gmail [dot] com.

I write my heart out. You can read some of my musings by clicking the titles below.

When The Swing Goes to The Far Left

My Reasons for Lying to DCFS

A Quote and A Trepid Step Towards Rage

What is Sexuality?

How to Rescue Victims

 

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Showing 4 comments
  • Tatyanna
    Reply

    Thank you for sharing your story. I totally get where you are coming from. I am sure it is hard for you and it sounds like your emotions and the practicality of “family” have you torn. Tell me if I am way off base.

    My mother was molested by her father. It took my mother until she was in her late 40s to forgive him and connect with him other than hello and goodbye when we visited. She merely said, “I forgive you.” to him. She was only able to do so, because grandma told her he was remorseful. What she has shared with me is that is released her. She felt traped by her un-forgiveness all those years. I am not trying to give you advice…I am just wishing the same for you one day…even if you never speak to him again.

    many blessings to you.

  • SLY
    Reply

    Thank you Tatyanna for sharing what you have. I have “forgiven” my ex step father in the sense that I’ve released him. I’ve spoken at lengths about that too here on my blog. The issue is that he stalks me. He follows me throughout my travels and when in my presence he and his wife say horrible things….most of which I have on camera as proof. Whether I’ve forgiven someone or not, has no baring on me wanting to be around them. I simply don’t want him in my life or the people who are his friends who come around me. It’s my own personal choice. I’d rather not be connected with a molestor or anyone who friend’s them. I find it sickening. I don’t feel trapped at all. Thank you for your well wishes.

  • Tatyanna
    Reply

    Hi. Thank you for sharing more. I enjoy your writing/blog and will read more deeply. take care.

  • Tatyanna
    Reply

    shoot…meant to say, so glad you have released him.

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