On Dying Empty & Bleach Gratitude

Today, I’m being present in peace, in melancholy, in remembrance, and in creativity. Today, I am finding delight and epiphanies in Buddhism, even when I believe all the answers are from within and not contained in the pages of these books. Still, I love books, I enjoy Pema & I’m quite interested in the Buddhist approach to savoring and feasting. I do have my own approach to eating. Its called “The Goddess Philosophy to Feasting.”

Today, I’m grateful for gratitude lists because they remind me of the things that I currently am or was grateful for. I’m not quite sure why I said I was grateful for bleach as mentioned in number seven. Still, I’m grateful for lists especially ones full of things that make me smile.  Number 8, 31, and 32 make me smile too. Who knows what was on my mind at the time.

I was doing some artistic work today as well as some writing and it led me to some old journal entries. I found this one. It seems to me that I wrote my calling. This is an excerpt from the page. It makes perfect sense to me.

Today, marks the mid point of the Off Broadway run of Max Maven | Thinking In Person. In addition to meeting and/or working with some amazing people such as THE Jules Fisher or shaking hands with David Blaine & Dick Cavett, to name a few, I’ve also gotten to spend lots of moments alone with Alexander Sandy Marshall sitting in the audience right before we open the house. During this time he shares stories of his career, his family and occasionally he does a magic trick for me. Aside from calling places and getting the execution of my cues down to perfection, sitting with Sandy and sharing stories is one of my favorite parts of this entire experience.

Ever since my 10 day silent retreat I’ve been working on my first book. So far, there are 234 pages and 53,322 words. I have to finish chapter one, write the last chapter, edit like crazy and then turn it over to a few trusted souls to rip to shreds lovingly. Writing this story has been tough but worth it. I look forward to sharing this project with you.

The other day, I hit publish on one of the most revealing posts about myself. I shared my perceived faults, my fears and even my sexual orientation. I was expecting to lose people in my life, truth be told. I was expecting phone calls and tweets and private messages about just how despicable I am. After all, I did once have a former friend tweet the world that I was selfish & cold hearted. So I prepped myself for the backlash of my transparency and honesty. I wasn’t expecting support and comments and the kind words. I just wasn’t expecting people to read the things I was afraid to share and then thank me for it. Its an incredibly humbling experience. Its profound and gut wrenching and I feel exposed and yet safe at the same time. Listen, I’ve mastered the art of appearing open when really I’m very closed off to most people. I do not let people in. This time though, I decided to drop my defenses, drop my mask and drop my false sense of decorum. I decided to bare my soul. I’ve learned that the more authentic, human, & transparent you are, the more you are held & the more your true, wonderful spirit shines through. Thank you.

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