Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

There is a movement happening in the blogosphere. Jess from Makeunder My Life wrote a post called Things I’m Afraid To Tell You. Ez of Creature Comforts took the idea and ran with it  and the Huffington Post published a piece about it. (I stumbled upon Jess’s blog last week and thought it was interesting but I thought I had nothing more to share. After all I’ve written about “The Dragon that Spit on My Vagina”, masturbation in “I Want To Watch You Touch Yourself”, countless upon countless post outlining the gorry details of my childhood sexual abuse including several angry letters. I have an entire blog dedicated to the “controversial” topic of pole dancing of which I swear by. I have a video sharing most of my embarrassing moments.  I told my own personal coming out story in “Musing on My Erotic Manifesto.” I’ve spoken about my depression, suicidal thoughts, and path away from Christianity throughout the 8 years that I’ve been blogging. I just didn’t think I had more to share. Then my friend Tracie wrote about the thing she’s afraid to tell you and it inspired me to dig deeper and find the things I just haven’t said.

The idea is to move past the the life and person we present to the world (especially in the online world where it is so easy to pick and choose only the best parts of ourselves to share), and share some of the things we hold back.

1. I’m bisexual, if a label must be applied. (I alluded to that in “Musing On My Erotic Manifesto” but I don’t think anyone really got what I was saying.

2. I think watching porn is fun and stripping is an interesting activity. Its on my life list to dance at a strip club at least once in my life. Its also on my life list to go to a strip club at least once. One of each kind. Apparently there are categories of strip clubs ranging from grotesque to high end & awesome.

3. I think most forms of religion, including the ones I tend to like, such as Buddhism, are at their core full of shit started by groups intending to repress, blind and dumb society down while gaining control, money and power.

4. I once had a sordid, wonderful, life changing affair with a married man. Yup, I just wrote that.

5. I can hold a mean grudge full of intricate stories in my head on how a particular person sucks and intended to fuck me over. I’m ACTIVELY working on grace, compassion, dropping the story-lines, dropping my defensiveness and returning to an open place with an awakened heart. One things that’s helping me is the book Start Where You Are by Pema Chodron. Please give her a Pulitzer and a cookie for writing that book.

6. I am so afraid to show my vulnerable side when I dance. It takes a lot out of me. Its so easy to dance as the dominatrix ISIS. She protects the child like energy within me because no one else will. Only twice have I been willing to completely show that side of me and it leaves me feeling so raw. And I know Pema, Buddha and possibly even Jesus would say that being in that raw, exposed, vulnerable energy is a good thing for me but it makes me want to run and hide. Its a long story with a blog post still in draft form because I’m a little afraid to hit publish.

7. I wish most people would just shut up. (Along with having the ability to hold a mean grudge, I can be judgmental and critical and sometimes I wish most people would just shut the fuck up and stop wasting my  and everyone else’s time.)

8. I really really really REALLY REALLY NEVER EVER EVER want children. I say it and I think people think I’m just playing or that I’ll change my mind or that I’m going through a phrase or that I haven’t met the right person or whatever. The truth of the matter is that I DO NOT EVER WANT CHILDREN. EVER. Please don’t waste your time dating me if this is so important to you.

9. I can spot manipulation and in-authenticity 1,000 miles away. I sometimes let it get closer to me, so that I can use people’s real life bullshit as characters and further research in my stories.

10. I am afraid that I’ll NEVER stop crying about the death of James Franklin Pyles. I’m also afraid that I will stop crying about the death of James Franklin Pyles.

11. I have another blog where I write about sex, fetishes, latex adventures and the joy of blow jobs. Yup. And one day I’ll publish those writings in a book under my pseudo name. That blog also has its on twitter account, facebook account, pinterest account and profile on fetlife.

12. I’m not afraid to be alone. I value my solitude and could go days without seeing or talking to anyone. I’m afraid though that I’ll die a slow and painful death and it will be during some weekend of solitude and no one will know I was suffering and no one will find my body until weeks later.

13. I’m afraid that we all just might be kidding ourselves.

14. I have to put a lot of concerted effort into not falling back into depression. Its just so easy. I believe in mind over matter. I believe we can heal ourselves. I believe. I really do. But it takes a LOT of effort to not be depressed. And I’m afraid that it will ALWAYS take a lot of effort. And what if I get really tired or uninspired? It scares me that just like that I’ll be back in that dark place. So I work my butt off but still, what if I get tired?

15. Sometimes I do things just so it will make an interesting story that they will tell at my funeral.

16. Even though I speak highly of him and I spent five years with him, Mr Officer turned out to be a major asshole.

17. Apologies don’t mean shit to me. I wish people didn’t say them, especially to me. I’d rather someone say, “Yup, I fucked up on purpose. I might do it again. It sucks that I got caught. A part of me did want to hurt you. And that’s where I stand right now.” Honest to god, I’d give that person a cookie. But when people say, “I’m sorry,” I feel like either they don’t mean it and are just saying it because they are being forced to or because that’s what we expect people to do or they really do mean it which means they are totally unaware of themselves and the affects they have on people and that makes me leery of them because I’d rather engage with an asshole than an  unaware person who hurts people and do shitty things not knowing the potential consequences. Plus your apology doesn’t change the past. You still fucked up. It’s not going to determine whether you’ll mess up or be better in the future. It doesn’t change my feelings, emotions or the level of trust I have. It doesn’t do anything for me. Its a self serving thing that makes the person apologizing feel a bit better. Long story short, I can’t stand “sorry.” Usually I think, “Yup, you’re one sorry motherfucker.”

18. As creative and active as I am, there are some Saturdays or some evenings where I sit in my bed ALL day eating popsicles and watching Hulu or Netflix. And by some ALL day, I mean the ENTIRE DAY.

19. I’m not really afraid to tell you anything. Really, I’d share anything about my life because I have no shame or regrets and I own up to it all. (Owning UP to it and Owning It are two different things, by the way. Sometimes people use “owning it” as a corward’s way out. I meant it as I wrote it. I can own UP to my entire life story.) Usually I don’t tell because its none of your damn business or I’m being defensive by saying “people aren’t ready for that much of me,” which means I’m trying to take care of your emotions and that’s not cool. But honestly, the people in my close knit circle of friends know all of this about me and if you wanted to know anything I’d share it.  I’m not afraid of showing my shitty side, my dark side or my sexual side. I’m not afraid of death itself or hurting your feelings and I could care less what people thought of me. If anything the biggest thing that I fear is bugs and critters and I’m really afraid that I’ll never get a handle on this ridiculously, absurd, irrational, paralyzing fear of mine. Now that really scares me. I cower like a baby at the sight of an ant, spider and scooty booty, I mean silver fish.

20. I can be EXTREMELY shallow. I like very attractive men with great bodies and huge dicks. I feel like every other kind of man is a waste of my time. (Some of you have lost respect for me.)

20. I am a nerd of EPIC proportions. When I watch certain shows on the A&E channel, history channel or documentaries on Netflix, I take notes. Just today, I watched the documentary “Puppet” and ended up writing a ton of notes while watching it…sometimes pausing it so I could finish my sentence in my notebook. Then I google the words I didn’t understand, I look up books and resources and articles on the topic at hand and I just fall deeper down the rabbit’s hole. You don’t even want to see my notes from the show “Killing for a Living.” I’ve filled numerous notebooks while watching that series.

21. Even though in 19 I said I wasn’t afraid of telling you anything, I must be kidding myself because its now 30 minutes later and I still haven’t hit publish. Fuck.

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