S Factor assigned us the theme of “Heartbreak” a few weeks ago. With the urging of my instructors Ilov and Beth to explore surrendering, letting go, being open and allowing for vulnerability, I decided to let my guard, defenses and sadistic dominatrix tendencies crash to the ground. I did it gradually though. I think if you open a wound at too rapid a speed, you might invite infection. Therefore as the weeks progressed, I slowed down a bit in each dance. I opened up a bit more and I found I was giving more of myself to the room as I danced.
Then they assigned “Heartbreak” and I decided to go for the jugular. With the given that anything can break your heart, I decided to not go for the tradition “ex boyfriend” story. This time I decided to show the part of me that ISIS the SIREN & DOMINATRIX so fiercely protects when I dance.
The greatest heartbreak I’ve endured has been the loss of James. It has been eight years and I still sob over the loss of him. Sometimes, not always, sometimes I still feel guilty. Most times I want him back. Occasionally, I try to bribe god. My heart not only breaks for him but it aches and cries. So I decided to dance that story.
I am not a widow but the story that I danced was called “The Widow.” I danced to “The Wolves (Act 1 & 2)” by Bon Iver and my heart spilled open. That song begins with him singing, “Someday my pain. Someday my pain will mark you.” I showed every crack inside of me. I showed what I so fiercely try to hide. Beneath the power and/or the rage, there lives that part of me living in utter grief, on the verge of tears, scared of yet another loss, just wanting release and to be held by him again. In exploring heartbreak I danced for James.
S Factor assigned us the theme of “Mad Women” as a play on “Mad Men” a few weeks ago. We were to find costumes, music and movement that echoed the sentiment of that era. Maybe we were the housewife, the rebel burning bras or perhaps a secretly sultry librarian, receptionist or assistant. The moment I heard of the assignment, I knew the song. For a few months I’d been looking for an occasional to dance to “Before You Snap” by Yonderboi. I finally had my chance.
In the dance, I wanted to explore being the dutiful housewife who finally decided enough was enough. This housewife finally snapped. For this dance, I donned a mod looking teal dress while underneath I wore scandalous panties. And I began the dance on my knees before the person in the chair with a rag in hand as I began wiping the floor. Then these words came onto the speaker……
“Well. Clean up the dirt. There’s just more dirt to clean up tomorrow. Make the bed. You just have to make it tomorrow. Wash the dishes. More to wash tomorrow. Make dinner. Just gets eaten, doesn’t it. The world keeps growing. You feed it. It doesn’t feed you, does it. But how much can you take? How much can you take before you snap!”
So I snapped. I threw the rage. I threw my body. I ripped my dress off. I threw a fit. As I danced, I thought, “Enough is enough. I want a divorce. Fix your own dinner bitch. Now its my turn to take control. I always hated that dress by the way. I seem to have forgotten what ‘lady’ means.”
It was a fun dance. I enjoyed the movement and the music. And I secretly vowed to myself to never let me life get to that place.
After a few weeks of exploring my vulnerable side and showing my instructors that I can in fact play nice, I realized last week it was time to stop with all the emotional theatrics and bring ISIS back to play. I think there’s something to be said for showing the soft, heartfelt side of yourself and then when you’ve done that, its time to have fun and show the raging beast that lives within you too. Last week in class with Ilov, I welcomed ISIS back with a remixed version of Paradise Circus by Gui Boratto and today, I let ISIS show her claws as I danced to “The Stain” by La Coka Nostra. If ISIS could speak as she danced today, she’d say, “Let me introduce myself to you in case you don’t know. I fuck people over before the sun even rises.” The Bitch is back people. ISIS came out guns ablazing and it feels good to let her rage. In allowing myself to be free without judgement as I danced, I found myself moving through combos I’d never done before. Even things I’ve struggled with such as climbing, then inverting into a chopper on my non dominant side just happened with ease and aggression today. My mind was blown. I’ve been trying to do that for months now. And today, by letting ISIS have room to breathe, my body just followed along.
It’s been interesting exploring all the sides of my movement over the last few months in class. I’ve been going more often, trying new instructors, and even dancing to new music. Each dance, each class and each moment reveals a greater truth in me or reaffirms what I already know. I want to express myself. Whether its through tears or whips, I want to freely express myself. I am a seductress, temptress and siren. It is of the utmost importance that I always have a sanctuary where movement, sensuality and sexuality are explored. Within me there lives a feminine energy that breathes life into this world. Its an erotic, soulful part of me that must see the light of day all the time. Don’t ever box me into your spoon-fed understanding of how women should behave. I am living in my authentic freedom, with no guilt, no shame and in absolute joy. I’m living in beauty.