I Cannot Commit to What I Do Not Love

An Excerpt From a Letter written in 2007….

My dear love, how my heart aches for you

 I have missed you so much. SO MUCH. In a world of craziness, you are one of the rawest, most real people that I know. That list is small but powerful.

Just as I am writing this I’m riding on the red line train downtown to meet a friend for lunch. We are having Vietnamese. Mmm. But as I write this, some one, some amazing man that I can’t locate with my eyes has on armani mania. I don’t know who. But someone does. While I love colognes….and I mean, I LOVE them…..that specific smell has a guaranteed physical reaction inside my body. Its probably good I can’t locate the man wearing this cologne.

So how long has it been. Well pass two years. Three years maybe? I don’t even know. I don’t like it.

I graduated in 2005 moved to the city started working a corporate America job in the hospitality industry. I was the training manager of the rooms division right downtown in Chicago. It was great for awhile. I met amazing people. Got paid a lot. Had so many perks and got to travel.

Do you ever listen to NPR? I love that station. Well they do a show called, wait, wait don’t tell me here in Chicago and they stay at our hotel every week. I met the likes of Carl Kasell, Mo Rocca, Luke Burbank and many other TV, radio personalities. After two years a wonderful friendship was developed with many of them, especially Carl Kasell. I tell him he is the grandfather I never had.

Ok…why did I get on that? Oh yes, that happened because of the hotel. I was there for two years, it was good, bad, beautiful, dirty, crazy and all kinds of otherness.

Eventually I had planned to move to new york and was all set for a corporate transfer and promotion but they wanted me to work seventy plus hour work weeks, six days a week.

I can commit. But I can’t commit to what I don’t love. I wanted to move to new york to play around in art…to write, to stage manage, to sit in cafes and talk theater theories with Lydia Desouza and Chris Domig. If I took the job in new york….that wouldn’t happen.

I left the hospitality industry. I decided to stay in Chicago, and am now stage managing full time. Huge pay cut, lost the perks…but I still make money, I’m doing theater every day, I’m not struggling and am in love with my life. How many people can say that?

At some point I want to live in NY and at some point DC. When I’m ready to go back to grad school ill come to DC. I want to go to catholic university there. That trip Hannah and I took to visit you made me fall in love with DC.

So life is good. My family lives in Texas. My youngest sister, Dasia turns three on october 18th. Yes, you two share the same birthday. I was actually in DC when she was born, probably drinking a vanilla bean frappicino with you as she was being born.


Its now hours later. I’ve had lunch, shopped, stage managed another play and just got your latest facebook message.

Ill email you later.
I miss you.
I love you.
Welcome back into my life, let’s have some fun!

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