I found this morning page entry regarding James Franklin Pyles circa 2011. Its interesting the cycles of grief, desire, heart ache and love.
Originally written December of 2011
James’s birthday is coming up. In ten days. He would have been 29. I would love glimpses of the man he was to be. Just a slight veil to be lifted from an alternate universe that shows him. I passed a man today that had James’ curls and shade of skin. I immediately decided I didn’t like him because he reminded me of James but he wasn’t James.
I read an article that linked to a video of Woody Allen boxing a kangaroo and James would have died laughing. He simply would have loved it and he would have loved sharing it with me. Then I looked up Woody Allen to learn more about him and I wish James could know that.
James doesn’t know what an iPhone or iPad or MacBook air is and I don’t like that. He doesn’t know about Hurricane Katrina or that there is a black president or about occupy wall street. He doesn’t know my baby sister. These things bother me.
But back to Woody, I then began reading about the movies he had done and the man is a genius. Was Match Point out when James was alive? He might have liked it. So I thought of the movie Take The Money And Run or You Can’t Take It With You and I thought of James and him sharing them with me and Requiem For A Dream and how these things pleased me. They showed me a delightful darkness.
I want James here now and it’s unreasonable. There are only glimmers and memories and that’s not enough and I want more and I can’t get it and I know. I fucking know but it’s not good enough. I don’t think about him nearly enough. I don’t write about him. These things bother me. But I don’t want to lose my mind. I don’t want to disconnect. But I miss him.
I think of all the things, all the urges and desires we both shard for each other and the ways we denied these things for each other because of religion and I wish we had had an original thought. I wish I had had the opportunity to make love to him.
To learn more about James, read 30 Lessons on Love, Life and Loss