Nine years ago I wanted to die. I wanted to jump in front of the freight train that passed by my college apartment and I wanted to die. In 2004, I was in my senior year of college. I had a tumultuous relationship with my mother. I had just met my birth father for the first time in my life….at my uncle’s funeral. But that birth father…well he was a sleaze. A few months prior my college boyfriend had died in a car crash. It had been about two years since I had spoken to my best friend Lola. And everything about my past…being raised in a cult, being sexually abused by my step father, being repressed by my religion….were reaching a boiling point. I couldn’t express myself properly. I didn’t have coping mechanism. I had no emotional maturity. I was suffering from PTSD, an eating disorder and insomnia. And any time I truly engaged in what was going on….I would breakdown and fall apart.
And then …..something triggered me. Art and Creativity.
I was a theater student in college and every class or rehearsal forced me to be imaginative, present, expressive, vulnerable and open. Doing so, brought my truth to surface. The truth of my pain. The truth of my life. Creativity triggered truth.
Journal entries from that time in my life before the creativity took a hold included phrases like….
- “….I’m in turmoil. It’s driving me crazy. I feel as if I have split personalities. I WANT TO BE WHOLE.”
- “Everything in my life has led me to this point. But what happens when I learn that all the things that led me here were based on a cover up due to shame and fear?”
- “Why do I feel I don’t deserve a good thing?”
- “I have heard my abuse happened so that I could share my story with people and help people similar to me…however some days, I tire of being the sacrifice.”
From 2004 up until now, I have either sought out or happened upon things that have helped me heal, transform and thrive. For a few years I went to therapy. I found a support group of other abuse survivors. I used social media to share my story. I learned about boundaries and standards. There were all sorts of things I did because I felt trapped, dirty, smothered and in pain. What I wanted was to feel whole, alive, and free.
What helped me…along with the therapy and support groups was…Art and Creativity. One journal entry goes as follows:
Art and creativity moves me. Some of the most major shifts in my paradigm of thinking and beliefs were motivated, inspired or challenged through my experiences in various forms of art and creativity. I feel as if I am touching the world when I experience creativity. It evokes a feeling in me…a guttural response, an ethereal response…a soulful response. Art and creativity is powerful. It has the ability to move the soul. Creativity has causes revolutions. People have changed because of art. Art inspires thoughts which can morph and alter beliefs. This can happen through a word, a musical note, a paint color or even a moment captured in film.
I know this to be true. I have seen it happen with me personally. My world has been transformed through creativity. That is why I created the Wild Magical Woman and partnered with Whitney Freya of the Artist Within for a special workshop back in October of 2013 exploring “The Creative Spirit.”
When I originally wrote this message to my mailing group in October, I wondered if they thought this was a load of shit. Seriously, how could I open my message to them with a story of me being suicidal and then link my transformation to creativity to introduce a workshop. Below is an excerpt from an interview. I was asked by Tracie of FromTracie.com, what was an unexpected thing that aided in my healing and growth. My response in 2012…long before I created “Wild Magical Woman.”
“Theater …(i.e. art and creativity) was so healing for me. …..it ended up being the catalyst to my healing. In theater…as is the case for any form of art…. I had to engage with my body and it forced my issues to surface. I had to trust people and be intimately connected with them. I had to be vulnerable and transparent and work on things that scared me or excited me and it just helped me work out my own psychosis.”
In the past few years, I have received endless calls and messages from women asking me things like…
- Where do I start on the path of my spiritual journey?
- How do I let go of fear?
- How do I deal with my depression?
- I don’t feel worthy or good enough but I don’t want to feel this way.
- I want to thrive in business but don’t know where to start
- My relationships suck!
- Can you help me with marketing?
- How do I heal?
There are a BILLION responses to all of those questions. And I get why I am asked these things. I have made a lifestyle platform and built a community on SheenaLaShay.com where I am constantly sharing my stories on personal transformation, business, dating, spirituality and more. So I get it. I will say one common factor among all those questions and all the areas of my life is CREATIVITY. Creativity fuels my business, it fuels my date nights, it fuels my healing process. This is because creativity helps me express myself. It helps me find my personal freedom. It helps me set boundaries and break them. Creativity triggers my own personal truth. And whenever I’m stunted or lack inspiration or something about my life feels off….I get creative!
I believe that the world cries out for the Wild Magical Woman and that it is our divine birthright to unleash and spill forth in our wildness and magic. That means the freedom to live, love, and BE with passion and excitement. I want to help women integrate all that calls them into how they live their lives without shame but with proclamation and joy. I want to help women ignite their fire and spread their fire.
A Wild, Magical woman is a soulful, creative, spiritual woman on a journey of self-exploration. Usually this woman is on the brink of something. More often than not, she’s on the brink of her latest evolution. I find myself on the brink of my own evolution. I’m always on the brink but I’m not scared. I’m not scared because I believe the point of life is to evolve, change and grow while CREATING the life of your dreams. However in order to do that, one of the first steps is unblocking the weight of what’s holding you down.
Clara Pinkola Estes says, “In archetypal lore there is the idea that if one prepares a special psychic place, then the being, the creative force, the soul source, will hear of it, sense its way to it, and inhabit that place.”
So what Whitney and I did was create new rituals and manifest through the use of sacred symbols, imagery, archetypes, journalling, color, paint, canvas, meditation, free flow collaborative creative exercises, visioning, play and movement to help amplify our attendees most authentic and wild self.
“There is information in the resistance.”
I will be doing more workshops in my Wild Magical Woman series. The next one….Wild Magical Woman | In The Spirit of Love in February of 2014. More details to come!