I knew something was off because of how he hugged me.
No scratch that.
I should have known something was off when out of the hundreds of coffeeshops in the entire world of New York City, he suggested “Cafe Grumpy.”
No slight against the cafe. They are cute, unassuming, tucked away in Chelsea with yummy drinks….slightly over priced. But I like their minimalist, tree-hugging granola, simplistic aesthetic. (I wonder if they offer free wifi and wouldn’t mind blatant co-working behavior.)
Even still, Cafe Grumpy ended up being the perfect setting for this first date.
Back to the hug. He hugged me like I was his friend. What I mean by that is…he hugged me like he was already comfortable with me and lately, I realize I don’t like that.
I’ve been dating one man for what will be two years this year and have complained about him being too “comfortable” with me so of course I don’t like it when a new guy I’ve never met before treats me like a familiar. There should be an air of mystery, of pompous or something. Basically, bitch you don’t know me! (It’s a Sheena thing. Don’t ask.)
Twenty minutes later and I’ve heard every negative word in the dictionary. He hates being on crowded trains. His commute to work is treacherous. He gets frustrated with the process of learning. His one apartment was roach infested. His ex wanted to spend too much time with him. He hates 9-5’s because he’s not a factory worker. He can’t do this. He doesn’t like that. Blah. Blah. Blah.
I noticed two things. I didn’t even have to ask him ANY questions. He just set down and gave a monologue. Two, he hadn’t asked me any questions. 30 minutes into meeting him and the only thing he asked me was how did I travel from work to the cafe. “I walked over to 7th avenue and took the train down to 18th street,” I answered.
He paused for a second and looked at me. I wondered what he thought of my body language because I had completely shut down.
Him: So you’re shy, hunh?
SLY: It’s seldom that I’m accused of being shy. What am I doing that makes you feel like I’m shy?
Him: Well you….it’s just….(pause for enlightenment)…..I guess I should let you talk.
SLY: (I raise my eye brow and open my mouth to speak)
Him: It’s just that I don’t like silence and feel like I have to fill the void……
SLY: (I close my mouth as his fucking monologue continues.)
Now, this is the point in the evening where I could have disrupted him and in a pleasant way excused myself FOREVER or changed the direction of the conversation. One, I was more fascinated by how much he sucked on a first date that I wanted to let him continue. All I could think about was the amazing blog post his monologue would create. (Also, as I type this…I realize he talked so much I never even gave him my real name. He only knows my OKCupid name. Geez.) The other reason why I didn’t stop him? I was still enjoying my coffee and was having fun people watching. So whatever. Although after telling my number one lover about the date his response was “but why have coffee that you like with someone you don’t like when you can have coffee that you like with someone whose company you enjoy?” WHATEVER. Why use logic?
So Negative Nathan continues. But this time its not about how much his life sucks and what he can’t do. It’s now about how he hates big banks and Coca Cola and rich people and he fully supports Occupy Wall Street….(did I mention I use to work on Wall Street?). And you know, the government sucks. And he has a love/hate relationship with money because there’s no intrinsic value. And he hates people who find their niche by dominating over others….referencing 50 Shades of Grey. (I read all three.) And now he’s using all these big words. He even said, “Kith and Kin.” WTF?
He took a moment to breathe.
Him: What do you think?
SLY: I think that’s one perspective to have.
Him: Well, what is your perspective?
Oh LORD! But I tell him. At which he attacks every stance. Not attack…but you know, he was just enjoying the sound of his voice and enjoying the debate. I have absolutely no interest in having political, financial and corporate debates on a first date. Hell, I don’t want to have them ever. Be the fucking change you want in the world and keep it moving or you know, run for Congress or you know, start your own Granola Tree Hugging Utopia company that spreads glitter of organic matter on the world and give unicorns as gifts. Whatever. Just live your life! But he debates. He talks over me. He doesn’t let me finish a point. @#_@#)@#(**%*$$
I think he tired himself out because out of no where and very abruptly, he stands, “Well, we have a 40 minute commute home, might as well get started.” (In his conversation complaining about the trains, we realize we lived on the same train line.) Our walk to the train continued his soapbox of his shitty life and the shitty world we live in and I could not TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! So to stop him I said something about pole dancing.
You know how a baby’s crying and throwing a fit, so the mom is like, “look, look at the cloud. Oh look at this crayon. No, you don’t like the crayon? Ok, oh look at this piece of dirt. Look, I’m an airplane. Googly goo goo.” ?? Yeah, I figured for a man saying “pole dancing” would shut him the fuck up. So I showed him a pole video. I think that was the first time he really looked at me the entire night. And he got that glazed over look in his eye. You know, the look of, “will you dance for me and then have awesome sex with me.” I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. I pulled the “pole dance” card for that effect anyway. I needed him to shut up! So the video is done and he’s all soft eyes and now actually looking at me.
Him: Your eyes have a distinct color.
SLY: (thinking, ‘yea whatever’) Yes, I know. They aren’t hazel but they aren’t “brown.”
At some point we start talking about parks, farmer’s markets and where we hang in each borough which led me to mentioning my CSA share and how I missed it.
Him: What’s a CSA?
SLY: (thinking…’you’ve got to be fucking kidding me? Seriously?) Um, it stands for Community Supported Agriculuture.
Him: What’s that?
I spend the next 10 minutes explaining to him this awesome mind blowing concept. But as I’m explaining it, I’m thinking, “How the fuck do you hate Coca Cola and Hedge Funds and Rich People and support Occupy Wall Street and you don’t know what a CSA is?”
I mean, I don’t know. It’s one thing to be negative. It’s another thing to hate the government. It’s yet another thing to talk some much on a first date that it’s really just a monologue practice session for your one man show. But its a whole other thing to want a utopia and what us to do away with currency and yet not even know what a CSA is? I just can’t. I can’t date him for many reasons but not being a proper tree hugger just crosses the line.