I’m not actually in love with multiple men.
I just date more than one.
And there are a few misperceptions I’d like to clear up.
Case Study One: Pinning Him Down or Fucking Him Like a Buddy
First, there is this excerpt of a conversation with one of the men who get it.
Me: I was thinking, “who makes me feel good.” and you came to mind. then i thought, ” i need to tell him to come to ny again for a date.”
Him: What a fantastic thing to say to someone.
Him: As for a date, I’d love to come. Innuendo is fun. I know you rightly hate language like “let’s make a date soon” as if it will magically just happen, so let me say: YES. I want to come to NYC and I want to see you, and as soon as I figure out when I can do that, I will let you know and see if it works for you. [then later] How do I make you feel good?
Me: Well, first off, you stimulate me intellectually. That means a great deal. And you understand sensuality.
Him: If I could give you an orgasm just by reading poetry into your ear, I would.
Me: ….and pleasure and you say shit like that and actually mean it. You read shakespeare, recorded it and sent it to me. You get “romance”. I appreciate that. I’ve lost count of all the times I’ve told people about you and I say, “who ever his next girlfriend is…she is lucky.” I hope you know how awesome of a guy you are,
Him: Thank you. I don’t always know that, like anyone, it feels good to be told.
Me: But you should always know that
Him: You’re very funny. Most women I know who are into romance are also into serious commitment, they want to pin a man down. Most women I know who are comfortable with dating multiple people are freaked out by romance, they just want a fuck buddy. It’s like one or the other most of the time.
Me: Really? I’m not like that at all. I like both
Him: I know. And I like that a lot.
Me: Whether i’m dating one guy or five, i want romance and desire and pleasure and seduction. We all want to be desired. Well, most of us. We want to be turned on. We want to feel good.
Him: Of course you’re right.
The general school of thought is that either a woman wants romance and a serious relationship OR she wants a fuck buddy.
When did that become the two options?
When did me dating more than one man mean… I didn’t want romance or desire or pleasure. Why is it that we believe if you’re attracted to more than one person, its about sex? I didn’t even realize that was the “logical” thought pattern.
Case Study Two: Risk. Fun. Commitment.
I was also speaking with another guy I date about the two of us. I went from telling him that I was being cautious and careful…to actually being mindful. Being cautious is completely different than being mindful. I misspoke but later clarified. This was in relation to him saying I had changed. We had dated for years in my early twenties and recently begun dating again. He said I wasn’t the same and I said this time around I was being more mindful. Mindful of myself and mindful of him.
As we spoke a bit more, he said, “But there is no risk involved. We’re not committed to each other. We’re just dating. Its fun. There’s no risk.”
I’ll tell you what I shared with him.
There is a risk. Even if I date 5 men, I’m not half assing it. I’m not haphazardly collecting dicks in a jar.
Whether I’m on date one or date one hundred, I am 100% present. I date people I care about, people I’m interested in, people I want to know and grow closer with.
The risk is always my heart. The risk is myself. The risk is vulnerability and transparency and openness.
The risk is that I’m sharing myself with you.
The risk is that no matter what I’m putting myself on the line. Because I want lovers, not fuck buddies. And that means you learning my language and me learning yours.
It means desire and pleasure and romance and seduction. It means creative date nights and exploring fantasies and intellectual conversations.
Dating multiple men does not mean that I’m going to phone that shit in. (Definition of “phone it in” here.)
Case Study Three: If You’re Not Working Towards Something, Why Work On It. o_O
I recently ended things with a lover who I’d venture to say I loved.
No. Plainly put, I absolutely loved him.
But the risk stopped and the romance stopped.
We simply became half ass fuck buddies and there was no more heart, no more romance.
Just forgotten things and careless things and we both simply began to withdraw.
He said since we weren’t “working towards something” there was no need to “work on” the issues.
Similar to case study two, I suppose to him since there was no “risk,” i.e., we weren’t in a committed relationship…why would we put in the work towards the romance, the pleasure…all the juicy bits.
I think if he were just a fuck buddy, that’s what can be expected.
You meet. You fuck. You go home.
But that is a misperception of a woman who loves multiple men.
There is always RISK. And there is always PLEASURE
There are those of us who date multiple people NOT because we’re looking for yet another sex partner.
As vulgar as it may sound, I once told my bestie, “I could snap my fingers and get a dick.”
Sex is free and easy for a siren.
That’s not the point.
There are those of us who date multiple people because our hearts are that vast and that open and that wide.
There are those of us who love connection, desire, seduction and stimulating conversations.
You don’t phone it in. You don’t forget.
And there is always risk and there is always pleasure.
Otherwise, what’s the fucking point.
This post is part of #WDW2014 where I write and muse on topics that challenge me to crack my self wide open. My desire is to let go, let loose and tap into my raw nature. I want to get even more in tuned with my soulful knowing, my deep intuition and I want to be intentional, communal and to share my spirit. I’d like to spend time breaking myself open as I delve deeper into what it means to be a Wild Magical Woman.