I stopped writing about James because as much as it emotionally helped me process and heal, I felt like maybe it emotionally hurt others.
I stopped writing about James because as much as the memories of our time together comforted me as highlighted in my writings, I I felt like maybe it kept an unhealthy measuring stick by which no guy would ever be enough.
I stopped writing about James because as much as I need his story to be told, I ran out of words between all the names of who I’ve loss.
I stopped writing about James because as much as its my words and my right, something about my words were too potent for some.
I stopped writing about James because …. of many things.
I stopped writing because I knew June of this past year would mark 10 years to the day of his death. And maybe something…needed to just be for me. Maybe my emotions and my hurt and my healing needs to not be a part of my public life. Maybe somet hings should not be said out loud. Maybe somethings are too precious to hit “publish” on. Maybe I’m doing more damage to others.
But the truth of the matter is that by not writing about it….I have felt less of myself. I have felt less Sheena. I have felt less of James in my life. His story is a part of my air. And telling his story has brought me closer to so many others. Its brought me closer to myself. It grounds me. Sharing his story out loud, even though it can at times come from an emotionally painful place of loss, grounds me. It’s one of my anchors. My markers. When I get too mechanical. Too business-y. Too much of anything….going back to my most tender, vulnerable, open places …bring me back.
So in not addressing or writing about James or Tinu or Maura…I found it easy to not be present. Or I found it easier to focus on projects more so than personal awareness. I found I didn’t have to be vulnerable, if I never addressed the things that touched me dearly.
But I was changed. I was changed by losing James and by losing Tinu and by losing Maura. I was touched to my core. The things I knew to be true….became unstable. My faith was tested. My ability and understanding of love was tested. My heart hurt. And my grief was wild and wide and unruly. It showed me just how human I am. And by writing my words…..my grief stopped being a monster and a beast.
That is what I have found. When I don’t say the thing…it became a private, dirty secret in my metaphorical closet and that secret becomes a monster that binds me. That secret or that silence. Silence is a monster that strangles your soul. It is not golden. They lied. Its a way to control people and control the story and save face. Its a way to appear neat and put together.
But I’m not always that way. And when I can write about my happy memories or my sad ones. When I can just say the words allowed, I can breathe and be true and be open. I don’t want to be any other way.
So my experiment is fucking over.
I tried silence. I tried quiet. I tried private requiems.
But love and loss is not only personal, its universal.
So I will tell my story and I will tell the stories of what I know of James and of Tinu and of Maura.
Today is James birthday.
Dear Beloved, Happy 32nd Birthday. I will always tell your story.
“i really hope there are alternate universes and in all the other ones, he’s alive. or i’d be willing to believe in heaven if it meant he was there. but only if.” – I Would Be Willing
“I will not bury myself with you. Hope…for me is choosing to move towards the light. It’s choosing to feel the sorrow and then choosing to heal.” – Choosing Hope
“Sometimes I think that if it were possible to tell a story often enough to make the hurt ease up, to make the words slide down my arms and away from me like water, I would tell that story a thousand times.” ~ Anita Shreve
James Franklyn Pyles | December 13, 1982 – June 24, 2004
Tinu Olateju | February 15, 1995 – May 29, 2010
Maura Cassiana Desouza | June 23 1986 to May 19 2009
This post is part of #WDW2014 where I write and muse on topics that challenge me to crack my self wide open. My desire is to let go, let loose and tap into my raw nature. I want to get even more in tuned with my soulful knowing, my deep intuition and I want to be intentional, communal and to share my spirit. I’d like to spend time breaking myself open as I delve deeper into what it means to be a Wild Magical Woman.