“…and you already know….when you are with those ….who can not possibly…even pull your intellects panties down…..to even begin to penetrate your gatekeeper……you like to dominate your food….it’s ok ….that’s why you are bored….because you keep eating scraps…and bowing down to false kings pretending to be full…”
I awoke on a Saturday morning a few weeks ago to that partial message from a friend of 10+ years. He had been watching my posts on facebook in which I’d share a salacious boudoir image of myself and write, “Current Mood: Hungry.” Maybe he read between the lines. Because while I seldom post any negative comments regarding men & my experience with them, and I would share stories about date nights and excerpts from sexy conversations with the men in my life, …I still would constantly post “Current Mood: Hungry.” I guess that shows something is off. I guess I’m eating scraps and pretending to be full. (This should not be confused with faking orgasms. That is of the devil. He meant something much more deeper than that.)
Things changed for me earlier this year after meeting, “The Brit.” A man who, during our first date, I was quoted as saying to him, “I am in AWE of you.” He blew me away. Being with him showed me immediately that I was in a different place than I had previously been before. This “new place” is also probably because I’ve been exploring vulnerability. And by vulnerability, I mean that which I let penetrate me, touch me, and affect me. I don’t let a lot of things in. I guard my circle closely. And I’m usually in a warrior stance as I work on world domination. I usually show my vulnerable side to my close women friends in privacy. It is a sacred part of me and I am intentional in its reveal.
But after being encouraged to further explore vulnerability in dance… (see THIS post) …. and because I was doing my Wild Magical Woman post series in an effort to break myself open … (see intro to the #WMW2014 post here and/or check out “Breaking Myself Open” here …. I knew I was in a different head space. One in which I am willing to let a man in.
They are sort of in. In, in that I don’t do fuck buddies but I have lovers. Lovers meaning we are friends or building a friendship. Lover meaning we date, have sex and explore intimacy. Lover meaning we build together. But…they…this collective is only sort of in and the level of intimacy is different for each one from the one I’ve been dating for almost three years to the one who got his feelings hurt and so we haven’t talked in a few weeks. These wolves are in my land but they are not in my lair.
Not too long ago, I came across a post that has stayed with me to this day. It was titled, “Dear Ex, If You Had This Cheat Sheet, I Wouldn’t Have Been So Complicated.” by Necole. I loved the post so much that I decided to send a series of questions to the people I trust the most and who are close to me, each in different ways. From a friend who has known me for 20 years to my best friend to another who I thought only knew the business side of me and yet another who I’ve known from college to one that I met while pole dancing on the beach a few years back or one that I met around the time I first moved to New York at a brunch and BBQ. I asked them to answer the questions so that it would provide helpful tips to the next man I decide to commit to. Of course this not only can be a cheatsheet for HIM or THEM but its also a cheat sheet for me reaffirming my values…because nothing they wrote shocked me. It also shows me my areas of growth. I also like that these answers were provided by men and women. They are all different ages. One is married. One has been in a relationship for 5+ years. One is single. One is practically engaged. They are all so different but they rock so hard and I’m grateful for their answers and their honesty.
So, if you want me and I want you and we are partnering and building……you should print this, bookmark this, memorize this….because this is what you should absolutely know if you want all of me… according to my friends. I cosign on it…even in the parts or answers that seem to be in opposition to each other.
Who is Sheena?
- The voice inside my head! Honestly speaking, [she is] like no one you have ever met or will ever meet. Strong, independent and no judgment, not on any topic.
- Sheena is one of a handful of people on earth who has truly spent time not only contemplating the answer to this question, but also actively working to find that answer. She is an explorer and conqueror.
- Sheena is an example of a person who lives for the moment but at the same time she is measuring the cost/investment.
- A beautiful person moving thru space and time who craves learning and equally craves teaching.
- Tough question. I feel like I need a paragraph. An unboxed, creative, passionate woman who demands from you exactly what she puts out. She is an introvert who gets overwhelmed by too many people and dumbness. Sheena is a woman whose depths of emotions often elude the everyday world. Sometimes Sheena is a sad person who needs space to sort out her feelings. Sheena is fiercely loyal and protective friend, and someone who keeps her promises.
- Sheena is a Siren. A force. A powerful woman in pint-sized body. She’s strong and brave and bold and also magical and wild and feminine. She owns absolutely everything that she is and isn’t.
What does he need to know in order to love me?
- Honesty, because Sheena has no time for bullshit.
- Sheena doesn’t put up with your bullshit. Not only that but the first thing she will do in order to love you is to clear that bullshit out. You should know that in order to love Sheena, you need to be prepared to be brutally honest and get that in return.
- He must be willing to explore the unknown. He must be willing to follow but he’d better be a leader.
- He MUST know himself, and confidently…if he doesn’t, he will never have the tools to reach you or be reached deeply by you.
- That sometimes you need space, and it isn’t always personal. Consistency is what you need the most from a man. Consistency and honesty.
- That he has to accept you as you. You have a strong sense of self. You are you from the get go so if he’s not all in, then he better step aside. What he sees is what he gets. If he’s lucky, he will get to peel back the layers of the onion and learn more.
What should he be prepared for?
- Everything and anything- Sheena has daily adventures and there are no weekends off.
- Sheena is a planner–do not expect a last minute date.
- To be spontaneous.
- A fearless scorpion, that is full of passion, wisdom and love, that is also…still a scorpion [Editor’s Note: I’m actually a LEO but I love scorpion men and some people think I am a scorpion. Even still I’m full of passion, wisdom and love, but I am a fucking LEO]
- For your dedication. For your demands. I don’t think you are demanding, but you know what you want and you aren’t kidding around.
That you are a night owl. If he’s never been with a creative, he might not get how you could be up until 3 am editing videos or planning a blog post or event. Your commentary. It’s hilarious, real, raw, honest. If he can’t handle direct, he’s not the right guy. Your genius! I hope he is an empire builder, too. He will get it then.
What might he be most surprised by?
- Because Sheena is not afraid to speak her mind, he might be surprised to see her soft side, which does exist.
- You are very capable of having multiple longer-term lovers successfully. And different types at that.
- Your past.
- How fragile you are.
- That you cry. That your feelings get hurt. And that even though you always seek to tell the truth, that sometimes you give up and keep things to yourself. He needs to watch out for that.
- That although you are social, you are also an introvert. We’re a hard breed for many to understand. Your balance. You are the consummate creative, but are business, too. That’s not always a combo people see.
What should he never do?
- Piss her off (lol). No really, don’t do it.
- Mislead you.
- He should never judge people who are not straight, or who may be considered weird. He cannot be verbally or mentally abusive.
- Try to control you…without consent O_O
- LIE. EVER. EVER. Break promises. Just don’t bother making promises if you are going to break them. And don’t be late.
- Besides the obvious things that would get him arrested, belittle you or your intelligence. Stifle your creativity. Not speak his own truth.
What will make all the difference?
- An open mind
- Being fully present when you are together. Respecting her time and space.
- His swag, confidence, and fragrance.
- How much he earns your trust. not trust as it relates to monogamy, but trusting him with all you are.
- Intentionality. Yep, that I know for sure. You cannot stand when men are being unintentional. Well, I think there is an element of feeling secure and safe. That he is being honest and forthcoming.
- Confidence! You need a secure and confident man.
What is a suggested gift idea or date night idea that I will love?
- Do something she has never done before. She was all set to go on a cemetery tour at night during halloween and she is not a fan of scary-like tours but because it was something she had never done before she was ok to go! We didn’t because the event sold out….but Sheena, this October we’re going!!! Bring the camera!!
- I don’t think Sheena is too into getting “things” (flowers, jewelry, etc), but is certainly into having sense-filled experiences. She loves amazing libraries, dancing, cooking and being cooked for, and learning new things about her surroundings. Although, I hear a Vitamix as a gift would not be snubbed.
- I have no clue
- Going to a random place that neither of you have ever been that’s a significant drive away (like an hour)
- Surprise weekend, fully planned that reflects what you are interested in. Time fully committed to loving Sheena.
- Something sensual and well planned. Not necessarily expensive, but he put thought into it. Some hint of mystery. He tells you to reserve the date on your calendar (because you are busy! He can’t do too much last minute!). He teases and hints at it all week. He gives you some guidance on what to wear and a place to meet him. Think dark and sultry. You start with delicious cocktails, move into wine and some yummy food. You some luscious dessert to share, but he knows what the real dessert is! He takes you home and pleases you in all the ways you like! Because at this point he better know! Then, blissful slumber….
What is a deal breaker for me?
- Not letting her be Sheena.
- Lying, Assuming without asking, and disrespecting her time.
- Small penis or inhibitions.
- An insecure man. A disrespectful man.
- Someone too passive. Who won’t express himself or be honest. Someone hypersensitive or pouty. For lack of better expressions that I normally wouldn’t use and that I’m proud to own as a feminist woman, but if he’s a little bitch. Or a pussy. Ha! I never say that, but it was the only descriptor.
What’s the sexiest thing he could do?
- Pole dance! [Editor’s Note: See THIS before you say shit.]
- Be your intellectual and sensual equal.
- Dress up as a fireman, run a few laps or an obstacle course then come to your house.
- No clue.
- Cook you dinner and slowly get naked.
- Turn on your mind first! Make you his priority.
What will dry my panties and turn me all the way the fuck off?
- Watching the assigned Netflix shows without her.
- Calling at 1am expecting a booty call. And anything above.
- Ask for the coochie.
- Making wrong assumptions about you.
- A man that [doesn’t] want to spend more than 30 minutes in intentional foreplay. OH I KNOW. A man that doesn’t thinking about fucking you right before bed, but is creatively sexy all day [will turn her on]
- Mediocre sex (he will get dumped at some point). He isn’t intentional. He isn’t passionate.
- See previous comment about pouting. Own it or say it or whatever. Don’t be all moody or whatever. (I’m trying to think about men from your past who haven’t met the mark.)
What’s something most people don’t know about me?
- She can draw and doodle. She says she can’t but I’ve seen her work and she can.
- Your most vulnerable moments.
- [Editor’s Note: I’m not sure why I for got to ask everyone this.]
What would you like to say to me (Sheena) regarding the next man I love?
- Jump in with both feet.
- Be patient–it takes time to get to know you.
- I’m not sure one man will ever be enough…even if he is, you don’t seem to enjoy being vulnerable.
- The same thing I would say to anyone I love dearly: relationships are most successful when we do not seek to please ourselves first, but seek to please the one we love first. When THAT two-way street opens, the only destination is happiness.
- Expect less.
- He better bring it! Seriously though. He needs to be a solid man with a capacity to love. To be 100% about you. To be engaging and appealing enough to you mind, body, and soul that it brings out your best ability to love him in return.
What is my personal blind spot?
- She is the hardest worker I have ever seen and will make all her goals happen BUT take a vacation once in and while… and no, not a company and or blogging and or pole dancing vacation- shut off the media once in a while I know you did the week of silence, but an actual vacation
- Two things: first, the need for control. I think your level of organization has proved to be something that has pushed you forward into success and will continue to be a huge asset. I think it is a blindspot as well because in some situations it could lead to disappointment in relationships. The 2nd blindspot is related: You are a very loyal friend/lover. I think a blind spot for you is that you expect that level of loyalty in some people who won’t meet that expectation and you get hurt by that. I’m definitely not saying that you should be any less loyal, but I’ve seen you misjudge others’ reliability and commitment to you or a cause you care about and get let down. It’s all about who deserves to be given the label “loyal”. Some people just aren’t. All that to say, I love that you give people the benefit of the doubt and allow them to prove themselves over time. I think that is a rare quality. I also love that you hold others to a high standard. Both of the “blindspots” hover over a thin line of what makes you amazing and something to watch out for.
- I don’t know.
- Probably your indifference. You can hang in an indifferent space and just hang out with someone until they really fuck up. And I think you sometimes give more energy to a situation you probably don’t care about. Also, from what I have seen when you are interested in a man and he has a differentiating factor i.e. creative, creative job, has similar passions, and also is really good dick that you easily give more to him. I think you give allowances for things that you know will bother you later.
- This one was hard. Especially because you are so open to the universe. I wonder if this is one of those things where I would need to prove more. Conversations we’ve yet to have.
Thank you to all my friends who took the time to answer these questions. This is just everything. I want to date me now. In seriousness, thank you. This was insightful, awesome and I love it.
What are the things your next lover needs to know about you if they want all of you?
This post is part of #WMW2015 where I write and muse on topics that challenge me to crack my self wide open. My desire is to let go, let loose and tap into my raw nature. I want to get even more in tuned with my soulful knowing, my deep intuition and I want to be intentional, communal and to share my spirit. I’d like to spend time breaking myself open as I delve deeper into what it means to be a Wild Magical Woman.
You may also want to read: 1. As In My Soul Seen | 2. The Story of Love – Why I Used to Hate Romantic Movies | 3. The Misperception of a Woman Who Loves Multiple Men | 4. 7 Important and Simple Facts About My Love Life | 5. Lovers, Losers and Lessons Learned | 6. The Objectification of Men | 7. We Never Let the Men In | 8. On Blowing My Mind | 9. You Never Let Me Finish My Sentence | 10. Three Things To Say To Her | 11. Always Wear Your Pretty Panties | 12. In The Name of Love and Sex | 13. Leave Her Panties On | 14. On Love and Fucks