Today I plan on sharing some secrets to my love life so that you can wrap your mind around the fact that I went on 73 dates with 20 men during the 365 days of the year 2015. In normal Siren terms, it would have been more. However I went a few months without actively dating the regular lovers in my life because of the emergence of “No. 1.” More on him later.
“…If she wanted a long term relationship, she needed to go on at least X amount of dates.”
The only reason I have quantifiable notes on my dating life in 2015 is because I tend to be a blend of curious and nosey. I have the outgoing personality of a five year old and ask things I probably shouldn’t of strangers and friends. In late 2014, I was waiting in the lobby of Sheila Kelley S Factor New York for my weekly pole dance class to begin. I was trying to have a conversation with one of my classmates but she was busy “texting” on her phone. She noticed my NON-poker face at her seemingly rude behavior and explained that she needed to finish typing up some notes. She went on to explain that after every date, she made a quick journal entry with the details. Someone had told her that if she wanted a long term relationship, she needed to go on at least X amount of dates. She wanted to test their theory.
I gave zero fucks about that theory but I did like the idea of intentionally chronicling my dating habits. Not so much to track or compare the men. I moreso wanted to track my dating habits. Did I initiate interest or did the man? Did I go on dates on Wednesdays more than Fridays? Did most of my dates take place at a restaurant, logged into Netflix or at speakeasies around New York City? How many first dates did I go on? What was the average age of the men I dated? So I decided to make my now infamous “spreadsheet.” Coupled with my google calendar, a google doc and my google sheets, I attempted to track all known variables of my dating life in 2015. I will say I failed miserably at tracking which day of the week I go on dates the most. And while it seemed cool to see if the full moon effected my dating life, I failed to track that variable to. I’m changing my spreadsheets this year BUT, I did learn a few other things.
In 2015, I went on 73 dates with 20 men. Who were these 20 men? This is a secret to my love life as I rarely share any details about my “lovers,” especially publicly. You usually know they are men. You might read a quote by them. Seldom do you know their age, race, religion or more. It doesn’t necessarily matter to me. BUT, I like numbers so let me share.
Where Do You Meet Men?
First because of the quality of men that I date, I am often asked, “Where do I meet men?” If you want to go read in greater detail the process of HOW I meet men, check out this facebook post.
Of the 20 men I dated this year,
- I met 12 online. And by online, I mean via social media except for one, who I met on OKC. I am a HUGE advocate for online dating, as its simply a tool. But this year, 11 of the 12 men I went on dates with, I met them via some social media platform versus an online dating site. (This is also how I’ve met a lot of my friends too.)
- I met 3 through my friends. What is interesting is that these 3 men, I met through 3 male friends. 3 male friends introduced me directly to 3 of their male friends. I did not try to subtlety “smash the homie.” I was “granted access” by my male friends. My girl friends….are apparently not the ones to tap when trying the whole six degrees of separation to advance my dating life. Be awesome to your man friends and they may make formal introductions to their man friends, is all I’m saying.
- I met 3 men while wandering around the city or living my life. One, I met at a store. Another, I met at an event. And the third, I met at one of my old jobs.
- I met 1 man via a match making-ish attempt by my BOSS! Yup. Its a good match. **Ahem** He’s been dubbed the Indian George Clooney. My boss set us next to each other at a black tie event, next thing I know he has the table singing, “Happy Birthday” as it happened to be my birthday, then he asks what am I doing for my new year…meaning he’s the type who tracks the year according to your birth, next thing I know we’re talking chakras and what it means to be a Wild Magical Woman….and we hadn’t even gone on our first date yet.
- I met 1 man 14 years ago during college. We’ve been long time friends. We’ve dated sporadically one and off for the past few years. He’s a gem and will always be a special one to me. With him, I don’t remember initially how we met. I think we were in the same class together and then the rest was history.
Who Made the First Move?
This is always interesting because apparently I don’t always agree with the men I date on this one.
Of the 20 men I dated this year,
- 9 men initiated interest first. Point. Blank. Period. I had no idea they existed in the world. I was minding my business. And bam. They said what they wanted and what they intended and I was all, “Have at it. Give me a time and day!”
- 5 men fall into the category where we both were interested and the initiation was mutual.
- 3 men made the first move but I set the stage long before. The best example I can give of this is that one of them, whom I reference as “The Alpha Wolf” because I call almost all men I date “Wolves” and he is in the “Alpha” brotherhood….but anyways, I met him through a friend at an event. He said at one point he saw me and knew he needed to be introduced to me. We exchanged numbers and weeks later, we had our first date. What I informed him of is that long before the moment of him noticing me…and I know the exact moment he noticed me but long before….I had seen him arriving to the event and in one second I had already decided, “Him.” So I set the stage by making a move with my “energy” knowing he’d eventually make the first “physical” or “verbal” move to express interest in me. This is part of that #SirenShit I talk about and sometimes teach.
- 2 men, I believe I made the first move but they say it was mutual. I simply don’t agree.
- 1 man says it was mutual and I say it was him. When we go back through the history of our friendship, I still clearly see it as HIM making the first move and he says it was mutual. I don’t think we’ll ever agree and I don’t think either of us give a single fuck. We’re just ecstatic to be dating one another.
I think age, race and career demographics are self explanatory. I don’t intentionally seek any particular race, age, career or other demographic but when I look at who I did choose to date, its interesting to see the stats. What I do know that’s missing from the career demographic is….FIREMEN! That’s an issue. Maybe I need to add “Go On ONE date with a fireman in 2016” even if it means any man I’m currently dating dressing up like one or role playing like one? Hmmm!?!?!?
What God Do They Believe In?
Earlier this year I made a comment about dating a buddhist, a christian and a hindu and how there was a joke waiting to happen. This variance in their belief systems, leads me to get curious about religion. I’m curious in more ways than one, but these are some stats.
Of the 20 men I dated this year,
- 9 men are categorized under “don’t know.” Meaning, I don’t know what they believe about god and religion. I think there are some militant ones in there, some consciously awoken Hoteps in there, some fallen angels and god knows what else.
- 5 men are categorized as Christians. You could not have told me I’d willingly date a Christian. This is a blog post for another day. I was raised a Christian and many of my beliefs are blended with some Christian and Buddhist tendencies.
- 2 men are sort of Catholic. I don’t know.
- 1 man is a Buddhist
- 1 man is an Atheist
- 1 man is a Hindu
- 1 man is Non-Religious
- And while its not a religion, 4 of these 20 men are freemasons.
Does god matter in my relationships? Does it matter if he’s spiritual or religious? What if things progress and I commit and then get serious with one of these men? What then? Can I be a gypsy spirit with an atheist or a “sort of” catholic? I’ll be writing more on this later as this has come up!
Feed My Belly
- 2 men had vitamixes
- 1 man had a dutch oven
- 5 men cooked multiple meals for me
- 1 man garnished the plate
I love being cooked for. I love it. Listen. You could boil a pot of water and I’d want to do things to your body and your soul while licking your eye balls in ecstasy. I just love being cooked for. (I also love cooking for my lovers and I love when we cook together.) But clearly FOOD plays a huge part in my dating life, FOOD as in you prepare it for my belly. Also the other men could have vitamixes and dutchovens and deep freezers too but I never went to their house to find out.
Random Fun Facts
- 5 dates happened out of the state with the most happening in Washington DC.
- 5 dates happened out of the country because one day he wrote me saying our next date needed to happen out of the country….so we made a very long weekend of it and disappeared into each other
- TWICE, I went out with 2 men on the same day. Shit, in the same evening. Dinner with one. Club with another. Sometimes it be like that. This wasn’t the first year I’ve done this. But I do think with one, it probably led to why we never had a second date. He wanted more time that first time. He should have said something though.
- TWICE, I sent flowers to a lover. And TWICE, I received flowers. Roses and Lilies. Oh sigh. Fucking romantic Wolf.
- The men I date have interesting hobbies and side gigs. One had 2 silk rigs in his apartment and a trampoline. He’s a freestyle football (soccer) player for a sports fashion brand. Say what? Another had every piece of photography equipment I could dream of having and he let me borrow his stuff for my shoots and just for fun. Is it bad that I miss the lens more than I miss him? God forbid he read this. This would destroy our future friendship 20 years from now. (Its a joke. I miss you and your lenses.)
- I think most of my dates took place at hotels. One, I work in the industry and many of these hotels have bars that I love, suites that I love, rooftops that I love and secret passage ways that I love. Many happened at dance studios and clubs. A lot happened at restaurants and speakeasies. One happened on a mountain. A few happened on a beach. Many happened at his place or my place.
What I know I need to do is a better job of tracking WHERE the DATES happen and WHAT TYPES of DATES I go on.
For instance, in 2016 I’ve had one date this January with another one scheduled. The first date happened at his place. Dinner and then I fell asleep mid sentence. The second date I have, with a new Wolf is taking place at a gym. I actually have to buy an outfit for this date because I don’t own gym clothes. I’m a pole dancer! So yeah, I’m going to be better about tracking these types of specifics!
What Happened to the Men
Okay. So I went on 73 dates with 20 men. What happened? Its January 2016. Are they all still in my life? Am I still 100% #TeamRotate? What’s going on?
Of the 20 men
- I went on 15 first dates in 2015.
- 10 of those 15 first dates ended up being the ONLY date we went on —> ( 5 of those 10 I would NEVER go out with again. Of the other 5, 1 is an “Open Level One” meaning I’d go out with him again at a moments notice and 4 are “Open Level Two” meaning we need to have a conversation or slightly discover each other again because the boiling pot has gone cold or is simmering way too low for my liking on either of our parts)
- 5 of the 15 first dates……1, we went on a couple more dates, 2, we went on a few dates and 2, we went on a LOT of dates. (In this mix we have a man who is leveled out at a “NEVER AGAIN”, there’s another who is a “Not Right Now” as life has changed for him and two of them I am still currently, actively dating)
- 5 men left in this weird equation….. 2 I’ve began dating in 2014 and one is “Open Level Two” and the other is a “NEVER AGAIN.” 3 men I’ve dated on an off for years. One for ten years, another for three and another for maybe 5…I don’t know. One is leveled out at “NEVER AGAIN”, one is “Open Level One” and the other I am currently dating.
Lets review that again
- I’m actively dating 3 men
- 2 men are “Open Level One” meaning I’d date them at a moments notice
- 6 men are “Open Level Two” meaning I might could date them again or maybe that shit has just fizzled and will never boil again. I don’t know.
- 8 men I will NEVER date again
- 1 man I will not date right now
Oh, another tidbit I forgot to add into my infographic
- 11 men are local to New York
- 9 men are not local to New York
It should also be noted there are 5 men I wanted to go on a date with in 2015.
- 2 men side swiped me. I am just gonna assume they were not interested but we remain friends
- 1 man….i got cock blocked by a friend. Their shit fizzled out quickly. I wonder what would have happened if he and I had dated.
- 1 man….I’m going on a date with him next week
- 1 man…..I actually am not sure what happened
What does any of this mean though? I’ve laid out the facts. What was my experience like with these men? What did it mean when the Black Brit asked, “who protected me?” Why do I date? What’s my philosophy or mission statement around dating? What did I discover about me or dating in general? What were these epic date nights I experience that involved spirit animals, fire burning rituals, meditation, journaling, “bath maidens” and salsa dancing to reggae?
What does it mean that my heart broke open? Or that I experienced vulnerability and rather than having a man attempt to climb or break a wall, I simply let him into my land, my castle and my siren’s lair?
And who is this No. 1 man? Why did I go almost 1.5 years without a number one…as dating numerous men leads to a natural ranking and favorites? What changed that one man…….changed everything….and yet I’m still actively dating three men? What do the statistics and my experiences actually say?
More on that later…as I continue my 2015 Year in Review.
For reference check out “Lovers. Losers. And Lessons Learned – 2013 in Review” and “7 Important and Simply Facts About My Love Life.” Also…..statistically speaking I go on 6.08 dates a month and so far I only have 2 scheduled for January. Fascinating.
Below you’ll find a more interactive way to play with my dating infographic. Have at it! Or click here.