The Missing Box in the Johari Window – Another Reason You’re Single

There is a process that happens as I see a dating thread unfold in private groups and on social profiles.

  1. A tone is set for what makes dating awesome.
  2. A select number of people acknowledge how dating is awesome, they themselves are awesome…but it’s the others who are not awesome yet. (This perhaps being one of the reasons they are not coupled with their awesome life partner yet.)
  3. Of another degree, others comment on their personal challenges, their negativity, their whatever the fuck.

I myself become utterly fascinated with number 2. How is it possible to have soooo many awesome people in the world, who are so enlightened, evolved, aware, awoke, conscious, ready, and yet…..they are still single? Beyond timing being key. Beyond having not met “the person” yet. Beyond ALL THE REASONS we’re told and we know of. Beyond it NOT being the black woman’s fault. Beyond it NOT being about “there are no good men.” Beyond all the bullshit and truths….there’s got to be more than those reasons when I see, for shits and giggles 10 awesome women and/or 10 awesome men living their lives and they are single and they don’t want to be and its always the other person who was lacking. (Please note the way that sentence is worded.) This equation is not right. And let’s throw in there the bullshit of the said awesome person whose perceived “non-awesome” bits tend to really be humble brags.

Being the observant, petty, judgmental, curious, nosey and fascinated person I am, I start to wonder about the Johari Window.  Because what I see is …. all their friends either online or in social settings co-signing on them. “Girl, you are awesome. He better come correct.” Or “One day you’ll meet a woman who won’t have all that armor on.” And some thing is just off with all this. I feel like I see some other shit too, that none of us are talking about.

The Updated Johari Window

First, there is the Johari Window. According to wikipedia, “The Johari Window was created by two American psychologists, Josephf Luft and Harrington Ingham and is a technique used to help people better understand their relationship with themselves as well as others.” In the Johari Window there are four main categories used for self-evaluation to gain greater insight; The Open Self. The Blind Self. The Hidden Self. The Unknown Self. Using even this, as a base to gain more awareness would be a great way to rectify this weird disconnect between sooo many people perceiving themselves as awesome while perceiving others as not being ready to handle their awesomeness or not being just as awesome as they themselves are. In one of my private groups, some of us completed one version of The Johari Window as well as The Nohari Window

The Johari Window -

But I also conjure that there is a fifth box too called, “The Bullshit Self.” This would be described as “Information you know about yourself and others know about you but you don’t realize the others know it about you.” Now this could also be linked to a cousin of “The Blind Self” in what I call “The Selective Delusional Self.” But that’s for another day.

Between these five boxes, therein lies another possible reason as to why there is so much awesomeness in individuals and yet that awesomeness isn’t manifesting in intimate connections of partnerships….whether it be with love, business, friendship and more.

My suggestion???  Have a LOT of people complete the Johari Window regarding you. Or do some sort of self-investigation that includes receiving unfiltered feedback from all types of people. Maybe an anonymous survey created on google drive? What types of REAL questions would we ask to begin really exploring who you are for a greater sense of self-awareness?

I know some people who have interviewed their exes and current lovers. Lets take that a step further and interview the potential lovers who rejected you and potential lovers you rejected.

I know some people who have had self surveys and Johari Windows completed by their close friends, their prayer circle, their business network and more. Take the risk and expand that. There is someone in mind, you probably would NEVER want to receive feedback from? Who is that person and why? There are probably people who matter none to you and yet they have observed sooo much about you. How can you engaged them? Your perceived awesomeness is only as far as your own sight line. How can you see further and deeper? 

How can we take the conversation beyond, “I’m so amazing but he wasn’t ready for me and all my amazing qualities.”

I’m NOT trying to imply that any particular person sucks or holds the blame or isn’t good enough. I’m just saying I feel there is a great opportunity for self awareness and I don’t think we’re all being honest about that fifth box. And the energy of that fifth box, considering perception holds some weight, not all…but the energy of that box could also be affecting the topic at hand.


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Sheena LaShay is a Wild Magical Woman, Intellectual Sensual Shaman and Cultural Provocateur. Keeping it simple, you could say she's a Writer and an Erotic Artist.

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