I received a message from one of my favorite women in the world, Abiola Abrams that made me giddy with excitement. She was writing an article for Essence Online and wanted me to contribute to it. Say what, NOW!?!?!? She then explained what she wanted from me. She was looking for my top tips on sex and intimacy. Say what, NOW!??!?!?!?!
I pulled notes from a lot of my blogs, recent personal revelations, group conversations and more. Then I sent my three tips to two friends who serve as business advisors to me. You know…. they check if I’m being sane, logical, on brand and more. In fact, one of those people is Dani Dee, of the Hotel Whisperer, who had recently been featured on Essence in an article called, “No Sex. Not Titles. Why I’m Dating In The Middle.” Next, I sent my tips to Mr. One, my main lover who’s incredible and who I’m currently building an Intimacy & Vulnerability workshop with. Surely, he could critique my notes too. Then, I sent the tips to one of my network circles, a group dedicated to exploring topics of sexuality from the raunchy to the intellectual on a daily basis. After getting their insight, I was good to go and now live on Essence is 11 Sex Secrets From the Experts That Will Set Your Bed On Fire of which I’m one of the contributors. Geek mode activated to the fucking extreme!
Abiola began the Essence post by writing, “This is the season for fun, freedom, feminine energy and sexy new beginnings. It’s the perfect time to make sure that your inner bombshell blooms when it comes to love, sex, dating, and relationships.
To get the best tips to set your sexy time on fire I called on my sexpert besties. Just consider us The Black Sexerati. These spicy sexperts are a diverse group. We are married, single and engaged, heterosexual, gay and pansexual, female and male, formally educated and self-taught, Christian and other, coaches, writers, and speakers. Here are 11 super-hot sexpert tips to make your toes curl — from oral sex to juicy foreplay to a move called “the Stallion.”
Being the OCD person I am, I wanted to provide you with three essential (additional) tips that I think matter, long before you learn how to receive pleasure…which is what my Essence tip was all about.
Sexual Expression and Intimacy starts in the mind. It starts with knowing your self, accepting yourself and loving yourself. When this is achieved, the next level of sexual satisfaction is accepting that there is no “good girl” versus the “bad girl.” All that you are is YOU. Your desires, wants, fantasies and fetishes. You can be conservative and like to be spanked. You can bake apple pies, enjoy missionary position and be turned on by breath play. You can like fishnets, white lace and granny panties. It’s all a part of you. Every bit of light and shadow is ALL YOU. You are the goddess and the monster. The human and the magic being. Your pleasure is a-okay and you don’t have to morph into anything. All that you are, think, feel, believe…feeds into your sexual self. And you don’t have to have metaphorically sexual split personalities to accept it.
Vulnerability begets Intimacy. In order to grow in closeness with yourself or your partner, you must actively live in a place of vulnerability. You have to seek it out. What is vulnerability? Vulnerability is allowing someone to see all of you. Its letting them all the way in, into your close chambers. Vulnerability is knowing and accepting that someone can/will hurt you. Its accepting risk and uncertainty. It is knowing you are able to be easily influenced and permeated. It is courageous being the unique individual you are. When you routinely practice the art of living in your truth and power while allowing your partner to bear witness to you, that openness begets a greater connection of closeness…thus intimacy!
One way to access your sex, your erotic energy and your pleasure is to GET IN YOUR BODY. Long before anyone else can touch or pleasure your body, you need to know your body and take pleasure in it, from it and give pleasure to it. From sensual exploration such as luxurious bubble baths to dedacaent desserts that titailate your taste and sense of touch, you must activate your body’s powerful energy. . Some of my favorites, Femme! & Emotion in Motion by Bernadette Pleasant and Sensual Movement & Pole Dance classes at Sheila Kelley S Factor.
TIP FOUR: Go read what I wrote on Essence!
What to do next? You can check out some other blog posts such as…
- Triggered by Truth and Love
- Secrets to My Love Life: 73 Dates. 20 Men.
- My Roots are Deep and My Spirit Has No Limits
- Another Reason You’re Single