As mentioned in two previous posts, I believe there comes a time when specific relationships have traveled their intended course in your life and its now time to move on. I am particularly speaking of relationships with mentors, counselors, coaches, therapist, heroes, role models and other kinds of “leaders” in your life.

The need for this closure can manifest due to many reasons.

1. The intended goals have been met. (I wrote on this in Farewell to Your Heroes ~ Pt 1)
2. You are headed in completely different directions. (I wrote on this in Farewell to Your Heroes ~ Pt 2)
3. An issue has arisen of a negative nature and its best to sever the tie.

What would you add?

REASON NUMBER 3: An issue has arisen of a negative nature and its best to sever the tie.

EXAMPLE ONE: Early this year I became a part of a community dedicated to a cause regarding raising awareness and personal empowerment. At the helm of this mighty vessel was someone I admired and looked to as a role model and a hero. Over time I noticed certain things I didn’t necessarily agree with. There were certain catch phrases, schools of thought and subtle messages that were a bit off-putting to me. Most conversations were infused with constant messages to donate money and unhealthy habits and tendencies were spilling all over the board. Victim mentality was running wild and this seemed to be encouraged in a subtle way. Those who were strong, vocal and opinionated were shunned and labeled. Whenever questions were raised regarding certain messages, discrepancies or confusion, this admirable person played coy, deflected and lied. I could go on but I won’t. For those interested you can read, “When the Army Revolts.” It’s password protected but I’ve shared it with people I trust.

I realize the traits that are known for a hero… courageous, brave, noble and strong no longer fit the criteria for how I viewed this person. They weren’t my hero anymore. They were more so a fallen angel. No. They were merely human like the rest of us. Of sacredness but still human. Over time, I have slowly disconnected myself from this person and their specific cause. This involved cutting all ties, backing completely away and never donating to them again.

EXAMPLE TWO: When I was a teenager, my family and church insisted that I seek counseling for some of the issues going on in my past. In the very first counseling session with this particular spiritual counselor…(he wasn’t licensed or certified which should have been a clue)…but in the very first session he said I would not be able to heal and transform my life until I had forgiven the person who had caused the pain in my life. Therefore, he welcomed this criminal..yes criminal..into the session and simply said I had to forgiven him before I did anything else. I was terrified but I said what I needed to say for the session to continue and be over. Afterwards I told my mother I never wanted to go to that counselor again.

These are two examples of these kinds of relationships going terribly wrong.  These kinds of relationships can go sour for many reasons. Perhaps you have a therapist who’s really taking advantage of you. Perhaps your mentor is using your gifts and talents to further their cause. Maybe your role model turned out to be a murderer. Who knows.

What I have learned is that even though at one time someone may be my role model, coach, tutor, mentor or etc..does not mean that I have to stick with them if they are no longer bringing light into my life and if I can not be myself with them.

How do you avoid these scenarios? How do you evaluate whether you are in one or not? How to you gracefully exist one?

1. Know that you are enough

When you are entering a new relationship with a mentor or counselor or whomever…ultimately know that you are enough. Sure you are seeking their guidance as a counselor to work through a problem or you join forces with a new mentor to become a better photographer BUT you are enough on your own. Always know that. Ultimately you can heal yourself. You can do your own research. You can find the resources you need. I never wrap my faith up and the totality of my being into someone else. Remember my post, “Don’t Go with the Flow, Be the Flow.” You are the flow of life. Take control!

2. Evaluate the relationship on a consistent basis.

Every now and then, ask yourself is this relationship enhancing your life? Does it bring light into your life? Do they take your energy away or revitalize it? Do you dread your future interactions with them or do you look forward to your time together? Are you able to voice your opinion or does the thought of that scare you?

If after evaluating your relationship with this mentor, role model, hero, etc and you find you are no longer aligned with them and things are spiraling downhill fast, try these things for a clean break.

1. Just let it go.

Don’t cry over spilled milk. The relationship is done. Walk away and let it be. If a conversation between the two of you needs to be had, have it. Although you should know you may not get what you want out of that conversation. Remember example one above. When confronted this person played coy, deflected and outright lied. So walk away and let it be. (Unless they’ve done something illegal. Then I recommend holding them accountable to the full extent of the law.)

2. Mentally let it go.

So you’ve broken your tie. You deleted them from your phone. You unlinked them from your website. You threw your batman t-shirt in the garbage but you find that you’re still thinking about it. In thinking about it, you get angrier and things just seem to get worse. You have to let it go from your mind too. Don’t think about what was. Focus on the now. You give them your power every time you think about them. Take your power back. If you need to, write a letter that they will NEVER receive. It may help to calm down the metaphorical demons chanting in your head.

3. Protect your interest or investment.

Perhaps you’ve been working with a mentor but due to issues, you know you need to sever tie. If you’ve collaborated on projects, make sure your interest is protected. Did you have agreements and contracts? Get them out and review them. Did you give money with an agreed upon outcome? Make sure you have copies of the paperwork that state that.  (As mentioned above, hold them accountable to the full extent of the law.)

4. Use your voice.

Speak up and speak out but do not slander, gossip or spread rumors. Speak the truth. People may not like that but they can simply cover their ears.

5. Learn the lesson.

After having negative interactions like the examples given above and many others, I’ve learned what I’m looking for in mentors, counselors, heroes, therapist, role models and such. I know what I need and do not need. I know what to look for and what my red flags are. I am wiser and stronger for the experience and grateful.

6. Live in good intentions

As you can see from the title of the post, coming to a closure for me is meant with the best intentions. FAREWELL. I didn’t say goodbye, fuck off or go jump in a lake. Maybe occasionally in past letters I’ve written that no one will ever see but once I’ve calmed down my negative emotions associated with a severed tie, I can say farewell. Rather than wishing harm on this person or hating any time their name is mentioned, be graceful. Never think of them again. (Unless there’s a pending legal case.) Walk away and bid them farewell.

This little series is not all inclusive by any means but its the beginning of things I’ve thought about and wanted to share. If you have things you want to add or point out or question, let me know. These are my personal experiences. I only speak on the authority of my life.

INTERESTING ARTICLES

When Your good Mentor Goes Bad

Mentoring Relationships: 7 Tips for Coming to a Closure

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As mentioned in yesterday’s post, I believe there comes a time when specific relationships have traveled their intended course in your life and its now time to move on. I am particularly speaking of relationships with mentors, counselors, coaches, therapist, heroes, role models and other kinds of “leaders” in your life.

The need for this closure can manifest due to many reasons.

1. The intended goals have been met. (I wrote on this yesterday in Farewell to Your Heroes ~ Pt 1)
2. You are headed in completely different directions.
3. An issue has arisen of a negative nature and its best to sever the tie.

What would you add?

REASON NUMBER 2: You are headed in completely different directions.

There have been role models, heroes, and topical leaders in my life that held special meaning to me because of their specific style, purpose, or common cause. One such example would be my former youth pastor of a church I attended in high school. Immediately upon joining this church, I was excited by everything the youth pastor believed in. I admired his dedication to his religion and spirituality. Any time he wanted to rally the youth to protest, speak out or make a different in the community, I was all for the cause. I believed in his message. More than just his leadership role in my life as the youth pastor, he also became a spiritual life coach type of mentor. We held numerous conversations that were encouraging about all aspects of life and I pretty much soaked it all up.

Eventually my spirituality evolved. I still believed in the same version of god as he but the way I wanted to express that and live that out were no longer aligned with his teachings. Rather than throw myself into despair at our differences, I took it as a sign to find a different kind of spiritual leader. I started attending a different church with a different youth group that was more aligned with my school of thought. I didn’t cry over losing the first youth pastor as my spiritual mentor. There was no need for it. We were just at two completely different places in our lives and expressed it in vastly different ways.

Its ok to change, evolve and progress. Its more than ok if your evolutions do not match those to whom you look up to. Its EVEN more than ok to change your perspective and the people in your life. It’s not a negative thing in regards to them or you. It’s just how life is sometimes.

We are led to believe that these leaders are not humans. We put them on pedestals as sacred gods and try to bronze them. Life is more fluid than that and no human, no matter how great they are needs to be dipped in bronze. (While we are gods…..we are also human. We often forget that about our hereos, mentors and role models)

Look back at your past with them and be grateful for what they meant to you at that time. After that, embrace yourself and embark on the next leg of your life journey whether that be solo or with a different person taking the lead as your role model or guide.

Tomorrow, I’ll speak on the last reasons that a need for closure may manifest itself with mentors, counselors, coaches, therapist, heroes, role models and even certain kind of leaders.

3. An issue has arisen of a negative nature and its best to sever the tie.

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There comes a point in your personal journey, when certain relationships have traveled their intended course in your life and its now time to move on. More specifically relationships with mentors, counselors, coaches, therapist, heroes, role models and even certain kind of leaders.

The need for this closure can manifest due to many reasons.

Some are listed below.

1. The intended goals have been met.
2. You are headed in completely different directions.
3. An issue has arisen of a negative nature and its best to sever the tie.

What would you add?

REASON NUMBER 1: The intended goals set out have reached their completion.

Back in 2006, I begin meeting regularly with a therapist for various personal reasons. This was the first time in my life where I expressed a desire for professional help. During our first few weeks, we laid out the reasons why I needed help.

1. I needed to deal with the loss of James F. Pyles. My grief was killing me.
2. I needed to let go of my complacent behavior towards men. I had stifled my voice and had troubles settings boundaries.
3. I needed to deal with two personality traits of mine. The Siren and the Destroyer. I didn’t need to do away with them but I needed to learn how to find a place of center with them.
4. I needed to deal with my issues of my past as it related to family and religion.
5. I needed to find, restore and reclaim myself.
6. I needed to learn how to sleep through the night. Paranoia, fear and anxiety had me clocking in about 1 hour of sleep a night and it was effecting every area of my life.

These were some of our goals. After a very rough start in which I refused to open up for months, we eventually began to make progress. After about two years I realized, I had accomplished my personal goals. Our sessions were no longer full of deep reflection, problem solving, crying, remembering, exercises and whatever else we did. Our sessions became a catch up time. We’d talk about life in general. I smiled, I laughed. It was great. I had evolved more in my healing.

Initially we had started out meeting two times a week. Sometimes even three times a week. Eventually that became once a week. Then it became once every two weeks. Then once a month. Then only when I needed to talk to her about a specific thing.

We kept the lines of communication open noting the progress while altering my sessions accordingly. During one of our final sessions we talked about how far I had come, what I needed now in life and where I saw myself going. I had started a new job. I had a new set of friends. I was in a different environment and the focus of my perspective on life had shifted.

We both realized, I no longer needed to go to therapy anymore. In the most positive, uplifting manner we said goodbye and she left the door open should I ever have a reason to return. I haven’t. Although I recommend her when friends ask for a great therapist in Chicago.

We were able to make such a clean break to a natural closure in our relationship for many reasons.

1. We had accomplished the goals we had set out in the beginning
2. My life’s purpose wasn’t tied up in her wisdom. Therefore, in the end, it wasn’t painful to move on.
3. We kept honest communication about what I needed and didn’t need.

When it comes to relationships like those you have with therapist, counselors or mentors consider setting specific goals. Not every relationship is meant to last a life time and when you’ve reached a place of closure, the process of moving on can be a positive one, if you keep your focus. Ask yourself, would you keep going to a physical therapist after you’ve learned how to walk again? With her, I had learned how not only to walk but how to fly. I didn’t need to land and crawl into the building anymore as I had once done during our first encounters.

In the next two days I’ll speak on the other two reasons that a need for closure may manifest itself with mentors, counselors, coaches, therapist, heroes, role models and even certain kind of leaders.

2. You are headed in completely different directions.

3. An issue has arisen of a negative nature and its best to sever the tie.

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