While I’d like to believe that I am a pretty centered and well balanced person, who is usually able to manage my emotions, stay present and remain in my higher sense of self……sometimes….just sometimes…..all that positive stuff sounds like a nice bowl of BS.

The process of healing from any tramua, loss, or conflict is not a steady climb to peace and perfections. The rode to growth has divets, roadblocks, pot holes, and very low valleys at time. Maybe for you its peaches & cream, sunshine & roses with lots of ponies licking ice cream and fairies chanting lullabys.

For me…I sometimes have days where instead of the faires, it seems like there are little demons chanting horrible things and flames are surrounding me, and crowds are throwing daggers in my back, and God is all, ‘Fuck you Sheena.” and I feel so alone, frustrated, pissed the hell off and absolutely nothing makes sense. Sometimes I might have a day like that. Sometimes I might just have five minutes like that. Sometimes I might be in a funk for a week. Luckily, it happens very far and few between but the point is IT HAPPENS.

Peace doesn’t come easy. Sometimes a bit of my soul is a casualty in a much needed war for my sanity. Sometimes I shed blood and some times tears.

Every now and then I get SOOO ANGRY at Daniel for sexually abusing me. I get PISSED off at Pastor Gary Brown and TTM for hiding it and enabling it. I want to throw rocks at the police department that blamed me, lost the report, and let him get away with it. Sometimes I hate every one involved and no matter the years of progress and healing, there isn’t one mantra that can get me out of my emotional breakdown.

I refuse to believe I am the only one. Some times this happens on a minor scale. Perhaps I had a conflict with a friend. Years later, I swear I’m over it but then when I remember that one thing she said I’m all like, “No that heifa didn’t!” Does anyone relate to that?

I have an ex who hung the moon for me and our love was not something of this world, it was EPIC. But the issue around our breakup and the breakup itself was messy, horrible, and he broke my heart into a MILLION pieces. So while 99% of the time my memories of our time together are amazing, I have days here and there where I’m like, “HE SUCKS BALLS! HE’S THE WORSE PERSON TO EVER LIVE AND I WILL NEVER TRUST HIM AGAIN. LIAR. ASSHOLE. STUPID!”

And then I count to 10, say a mantra, and think about my happy place and usually I’m back to normal.

Some people might say, well that’s a sign that you haven’t truly healed or you really haven’t forgiven or you are still bitter. Some of those people pass judgement and have never met me or held a five minute conversation with me. I don’t think it has anything to do with still being bitter. I think its called the human condition and no matter how lofty our thoughts, we still experience the full range of human emotions and something while we may be masters at managing ourselves…we still slip up. For example, when Venus or Serene blew up at the tennis referee that time. Which ever sister it was, I don’t believe her to be a jerk. I think she was having a bad day, forgot her composure and was like, “Fuck the Free World and everyone who dwells there.”

Anyone who never gets angry is a robot, dead or a complete psycho. The bible, which I don’t really like, even acknowledges it. It doesn’t say, “Never experience anger.” Doesn’t it say something like, “Be slow to anger.” I’m slow to anger but when I get there….counting to 10 is not going to do it.

Over time I have found ways to channel that anger since I can’t calm it down or I just don’t want to calm it down.

Most often I channel it creatively. When memories of Daniel and the corruption of the church and the failure of the police come to mind, I channel that into poetry, plays, short stories and creative nonfiction essays on life. I run, I workout or I find some other character that knows what I’m experiences. Like I’ll play, “Not Ready to Make Nice,” by the Dixie Chicks or I’ll play, “Hope it Felt Good,” by Nikka Costa. And I’ll think, “See there’s someone else who knows.”

If the breathing doesn’t work, if loftier thoughts don’t come to mind and if a poem just won’t come out, I will distract myself. I will clean my apartment like a banchee on crack. I will call my baby sister who is five years old. Anything to keep me busy and in the busyness I will myself to stay present. How can I remain angry if my thoughts are only on listening to a five year old tell me how she loves frogs and lions.

Sometimes when nothing works at all, I write a letter that will never be sent to the person who is making me angry and I say all the horrible things my mind can conjure. I write all the gorry details. I let the devil in me rage on. And usually when I go back and read that letter later in the day, I’m horrified at my own intense emotion and that makes the anger subside.

When I have an angry moment, I don’t judge myself. I give myself the grace to be human. I don’t tell myself lies thinking I’m moving backwards in healing or that I’ll never have peace. I just acknowledge that in this moment, I’m pissed the hell off and when it has passed, the pendulum will swing back to center.

Yes, there is a god inside of me. But I am also human. Just as I think lofty thoughts, I sometimes think dirty thoughts too.

I write this in support of National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Because while some of you might think it just a sad little statistic that happens to fast women by ugly monsters in dark alleys, I know that it happens to anyone and usually the prep is a friend, a parent, or someone else the victim knew. If you are a survivor of sexual assault, KNOW that when you are ready, healing can take place. And despite all the flashbacks and nightmares, you can become whole again and the trauma doesn’t have to rule your life.

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I believe that it is important that you understand that if you have been a victim of sexual abuse, sexual assault, incest, rape, or molestation…that everything towards making yourself whole again must happen at a pace in which you are comfortable. That is: personal growth, healing, forgiveness, restoration, counseling or anything else. Do not let people rush you. Do not feel rushed because of the pace that others may be going in. Also know that healing and restoration comes in stages. Maybe you’ve restored your body, but there is still the reclaiming of your mind. Perhaps your spirit is still bruised but the emotional toll it took no longer has power.

After awareness of my own sexual abuse came to light, I spent years jumping from one counselor to the next. Some sucked! Some were not qualified! Some lacked a huge amount of sensitivity. Let me tell you a story.

The very first counselor I went to was a friend of the family and a pastor. Let me tell you what he did. You will be shocked! Having just suffered SEVEN years of incest and molestation, this therapist said on the VERY FIRST meeting that before we could begin any work I would have to forgive Daniel C. Young Sr. He wouldn’t even talk about anything else until I agreed to have forgiven Daniel. On top of that, DANIEL was there. He brought the pedophile into the counseling session. The very first one! And demanded that I forgive him! What the hell!

Note to every counselor in the entire world..that is an utterly bad idea! Just saying.

I told my mother that I did not want to EVER go back to him. EVER! Therefore we spent the next few years bouncing from one counselor to the next. And I pretty much hated them all. I didn’t know it then, but I just wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to deal with any of it. I just wanted to finish high school. I just wanted to be a teenager. I wanted to get my license. I wanted to go ice skating with my friends. I did not want to talk about Daniel. I did not want to talk about my depression and suicidal tendencies. Call it denial. Call it whatever you want. But I was not ready for the pace that all these well meaning adults were moving at.

I didn’t “forgive” Daniel until a year later. I use forgive because that’s the word most people are comfortable with. A post in more details is forthcoming. But that “forgiveness” happened exactly when I was ready. It was unexpected. I had received an epiphany. I had seen the light. Somehow it all started to make sense and then I was ready to forgive.

I didn’t give myself grace and forgiveness until I was 22 or 23. That was almost 8 years after the end of the abuse. I was able to forgive Daniel before I forgave myself. How does that make sense? It’s not about making sense. It’s about working in stages. Because you can’t do everything at once. Never mind the forgiveness of myself and the pedophile, to this day I have not forgiveness the pastor who enabled this. Who knew about it and did nothing. Who in so many words forced me NOT to say anything by holding hell and eternal damnation as a bargaining chip.
What? Does that surprise you? That in spite of my personal growth and reclaimation, that there are still areas of the healing process that are still stuck at ground zero. I’m okay with that. It doesn’t all get fixed overnight.

It wasn’t until I was 22 that I sought a therapist on my own.

Everyone throughout my life urged me to go. Their urgings did not help the matter. But finally after so many years, I came to a place where I was ready. Maybe to some I should have been in it since the abuse first came to light. And maybe some of you have yet to ever step foot in a therapist office and its 15 years later. TAKE YOUR TIME. By going at my own pace, I was able to seek the help that I needed and deal with all the metaphorical demons.

Reclaiming myself didn’t happen until I was 23. Restoring myself came after that. And even though now its been 11 years since he has touched me, there are still areas that I need to deal with. I’m okay with that. It won’t all be fixed over night. And while some areas have been healed or are in the process of being healed, I’m only now finding other areas that have been in the dark all this time.
Don’t be discouraged because you see that someone has come out of this alive and joyful and healed and seemingly perfect. And don’t feel rushed because everyone insist on what you need to do to get better. Pushing someone too hard can push them over the edge. Don’t let anyone get you to the edge.

Know that you can take control of the process of healing, growth and restoration. It’s your right. Don’t let the pressure of god, society, family, culture or anything else make you move at a pace you are not comfortable with.

That is what I have learned and what I am still learning. And maybe tomorrow or a year from now or perhaps 10 years from now I’ll forgive Gary Brown for what he did in enabling this. Maybe it will never happen. The truth is, I’m not worried and I know the god I serve will not hold it against me.

I write this for every victim of sexual assault and abuse. I write this to spread awareness of National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Sexual Assault isn’t just a topic of discussion, a political agenda, or issues with alarming statistics. Sexual Assault/Abuse is the reality, experience and story of everyday people.  It is a part of my story. Don’t ever forget that.  I write this for my seven year old self who did not have a voice. I am her voice now.

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