For years, I assumed I’d have issues with sex because I had experienced sexual abuse. Despite, this assumption, it never happened until recently. Turns out my ex step father never came into the bedroom or other places I shared with men in an intimate setting. That is, as mentioned, until recently. It was only for a moment. I was with a man I’ve been dating. I was intoxicated. I was wearing a mask, it was dark and he sort of became a shadow. This wasn’t new to us except the part about me being intoxicated. I typically don’t mix that with sex. On this particular night, I did. And because my mind was a bit loose and the mask turned him into a shadow, I found it hard to not flashback to my childhood. In the moment it happened, I simply removed the mask so that I could see his face and we continued our evening of inebriation and passion. In all the years I’ve consented to sex, it amazes me that that has been the only issue that has arisen.
I used to think I’d never be happy in relationships. That was when I was depressed, self-destructive and suicidal. I know better now. I’m the best thing someone will ever love. You are too. So even though there is this common assumption that those who have experienced sexual abuse will have “issues” with relationships, dating and sex, that doesn’t mean it has to be your story. There is a whole list of all the things we’re supposedly going to suffer from because of the abuse. That entire list isn’t the story of everyone’s life. And if it is, that’s ok too. Hopefully, you’ll work through all of that.
What I do have a slight issue with is rejected men who assume the rejection originates from my childhood abuse and “daddy issues.”
For example, a married man with a new baby contacted me a few years back. He wanted me to go on a trip with him. He wanted me to flirt with him. He wanted me to send him erotic messages and I’m pretty sure have sex with him. Prior to his marriage, we had a flirtatious friendship but “prior to his marriage” would be the OPERATIVE words. Besides, from what I heard, his marriage wasn’t open. So he was a no. When he tried to contact me and friend me on facebook, I wrote that I wanted NO contact with him. It was the same thing I’d said a few years before that too. I said I was blocking his email and I needed him to leave me alone. Before I saved the “block this asshole” email settings, I got one last email from him.
TO: Sheena LaShay
FROM: Married Man with a Newborn Baby and a Wandering Dick
SUBJECT: Your StepFather Destroyed You.
BODY: I will pray for you. Your bitterness is bigger than you.
That was the email exactly. Well, except I changed his name to protect the GUILTY.
Not too long ago, I recently “ended things” with a man I had gone on three dates with. It just wasn’t going to work out. I thought I was civil and kind in my communication but perhaps that’s not what gets through to people. On one particular morning I received an email from a weird phone number. It was a link to an article on the New York Times. When I realized the article was about a sexual abuse survivor and I had just rejected a man, I put two and two together. I find it sneaky that he didn’t email me from his regular email address. He knew I’d recognize it and probably wouldn’t open it. He also didn’t text me the link either. Again, I would know immediately it was from him. Emailing me via his phone number was a way to ensure I’d probably follow his link. When I realized it was him, I asked him to never contact me again. Later, as I fumed about yet another one of his stunts, I wondered just where did he get off. I had never told him about my abuse. I’m sure he read it on my website. I gave him my website address. But along with reading about my sexual abuse, I’m SURE he had to have read other posts of various topics since I have over 1,000. Seeing as to how I write about EVERYTHING, what prompted this man to send me a link about sexual abuse in an obsure way days after I had rejected him?
Listen, there are going to men and or women who try to use your past against you in various ways. Some will use it as an easy answer as to why you don’t prefer them or outright reject them. Nevermind your sole reason being that THEY ARE MARRIED among many other reasons. Nevermind the fact that you realize you aren’t compatible with this person. Nevermind maybe you just aren’t attracted to them. Nevermind the real reasons for why you say no or never. There are just those out there who are insecure, angry, bitter and upset. They will fling your past at you and call you “destroyed.”
Those people are sad. That’s all I can say about it. I hope when this happens you don’t go down the rabbit’s hole of self blame and doubt. I hope you don’t think, “Is it me?” When someone feels the need to do something like that, its ALL on them. I’m a very self aware person, I know when my “daddy issues” arise. They usually arise when he stalks me and stands right in front of me saying he’s going to pray for me too. He did that last May. But when a man is ugly, unattractive, married, the cause of drama and has a new baby and I feel the need to say no, it has nothing to do with my “daddy.”
I’m self-aware enough and secure enough, that when the weird mask moment happened with the guy I’m currently dating, I brought it up with him. I didn’t curl into a ball. I didn’t push him away. I didn’t get weird and introspective and refuse to ever have sex again. No, immediately after and even days later, I brought it up with him. The conclusion was that I was never to drink, wear a mask and have sex in the dark. Other than that, all other systems are a go. (And listen, if it were you and you decided to curl up in a ball or never have sex again, more power to you. We each make difference choices. If that’s how you embody a healthy sexuality, then so be it. And if that’s just you working through something, so be it too. For me, I’m all about putting it all out in the open. That’s just where I’m at. We each are different.)
You know, when the married asshole wrote me that email, my pride wanted to send him a seething letter about all of his issues. I wanted to make sure he knew, I felt that none of them had to do with his daddy. I wanted him to know that all his issues were because he was a fucking asshole and there was no one else to blame but himself. I wanted to write, “You destroyed yourself. And I won’t be praying for you. I wouldn’t waste my breath.”….and so on and so on. I wanted to let my experience and degree in rhetoric come out full force. But again, I’m self-aware to know when my pride rears it’s ugly head. I decided to not dignify his bullshit with a response. I just kept going with my day.
For those who experience similar situations, keep moving. As mentioned in a not so eloquent way, I personally believe these kinds of people to be assholes. If you are apt to pray, pray for them while they are supposedly praying for you. I suppose if everyone’s head is bowed in prayer, the world should become a better place, right? And for those who are rejected or angry and maybe the person who said NO or NEVER has a past of abuse or assault or WHATEVER, before you rush to judgement on the reason why they rejected you, why don’t you just ask them? Maybe it does have to do with their daddy or maybe it has something to do with your marriage?
Has anyone ever thrown this kind of shit in your face? How did you respond? This post itself might lack some grace and decorum, but I’d like to think in the moment, I exercised restraint and gained yet another cool point. 
This month is Sexual Assault Awareness month. Every day I’ll be writing all types of posts regarding this issue and my personal experiences.
I create videos as a way to share my story. You can watch three related ones by clicking the titles below.
My Name Is….Sheena LaShay
Sexual Assault Awareness Month – 2010
Sexual Assault Awareness Month – Day of Action 2011
If you are a victim of abuse and assault and you would like to seek help or report your crime, please find all kinds of resources at RAINN. If you would like to share your story with me privately, be featured this month either publicly or anonymously or you just need an encouraging word, please shoot me an email at SheenaLaShay [at] Gmail [dot] com.
