Posts tagged ‘Dating | Relationships’

Lost In You ~ At A Loss

Sunday, May 13th, 2012

"Sheena LaShay"
Dear Love,

The notion sounds wonderful. It sounds like you’ll touch me so deeply that my energy will flow into yours and our flesh will become one and I will delight in that. But I can not do that, dear love. No. Truth be told, I am unwilling. I will surrender. I will submit. I will obey. I will give. I will share. I will become. I will grow. I will support. I will honor. But never, NEVER will I allow myself to get lost in you.

When you read, “I want to get lost in you” or when you hear that or when you speak that onto someone, what does that mean for you?

At A Loss is a journal/blog prompt challenge on exploring lost people, lost ideas and lost things. Its an exploration of grief, releasing, possession and just how we come to be without. This idea was created in 2011 based on this post, LOST: To Come to Be Without.” Click on the title to read its origins. Click HERE to be directed to all of the AT A LOSS entries from 2011 and 2012.

Please keep in mind, I am currently on a 10 day silent retreat and will have absolutely NO ACCESS to any form of communication. I value your voice and your expression, I am just currently unable to be present with you. Have an incredible day.

On Love and Fucks

Thursday, April 12th, 2012

I am currently reading “Full Exposure: Opening Up to Your Sexual Creativity and Erotic Expression” by Susie Bright and I happened upon her take on the word “fuck” as it relates to sex and our stunted issues with language and sexuality. I highly recommend this book. In response to her, to a radio show a friend was on a month ago and a recent blog post I happened upon, I wanted to write about the nature of loving and fucking, as I see it.

First, when I hear the term “making love”, I’m usually baffled. I know for some it conjures up romance, sweet nothings and silk sheets but to hear someone say that they are “making love” is like hearing someone say that they are “making truth.” Truth is truth. It can’t be made. Either it is or it isn’t. There aren’t any tricks to truth. In my opinion, its the same with love. You can’t make it. Just as you can’t “make energy”, you can’t “make love.” Are you just trying to describe the fact that your boyfriend licked your nipple instead of biting it? How is one any less loving than the other? Oh for a better way to express ourselves than outdated terminology filled with stereotypes!

What it boils down to is sex. Whether its hard, deep and fast or slow with strawberries & cream,….. that penetration, that lick, that suck and kiss is sex.

Perhaps what people mean to articulate is the intent behind the act. For example, with one partner there were times when his touch was quick, hard and slightly painful… consentually painful. Then later, his touch was soothing and healing. And upon further recollections, the first time he touched me, his hands and otherness were full of discovery and wondering. And I recall another time having sex with someone where behind every thrust there was healing. These different intentions were performing the same acts. Penetration. Licking. Kissing. Nibbling. Speaking…. but the intent and sometimes the delivery were different depending on the moment.  Soemtimes in one night I experienced five different intention filled acts from a lover. Whether I was being spanked or whispered too, neither were any less full of love than the other.

I know there is the perspective that perhaps what people mean when they say “making love” has to do with a more emotional, spiritual connection versus simply “fucking” someone. I say bullshit. Every time I’ve had sex, some emotion was a part of the equation. I find it also impossible to seperate my spirit from my actions, so whether I’m biting a man’s lip with an aggressive undertone or sucking his… finger :) with grace, my spirit is engaged. All of my sexual actions, at least now that I have grown the fuck up, are passionate, seductive, deliberate and intentional. My spirit, my core and my emotions are engaged, whether I have a commited relationship with the person or not. I’ve loved a man before where once the sex lacked everything. Our connection wasn’t there.  And I’ve dated someone with no interest in commitment where the sex had paralyzed me with delight and passion and I couldn’t understand how we could reach such depths of physicality and connection upon the first time in engaging with sex. I believe that has to do with chemistry, attraction, experience, knowledge and self awareness. It had nothing to do with whether I loved him or he loved me.

Whether I love you or not sex is sex.

Whether I love you or not, biting you with fiery passion is biting. It’s not a fuck or a notion of making love.

Whether I love you or not, massaging you with healing, sensual hands is what it is. I’m not creating more love or negating a fuck. I’m massaging you.

We like labels and categories and organizing things and separating things. Its how we find “legitimate” ways to highlight our elevated status of what love is or how we nay nay the bad girls who like to fuck, even if that bad girl is our own self. It’s how we make sense of our selves. Its easier to say somedays, “this is making love” and other days, “this is fucking” because then we can separate our actions. This is a sin and this is not. This is one thing and this is another. Today, I’m fucking and tomorrow I’ll love. Its more complicated and yet more interesting, freeing and engaging though to hear a person fully embrace all their actions without the need for labels and categories. Sometimes I want gentleness and sometimes I want aggression. All is full of love.

Who gives a fuck how the sex happens from one night to the next or one moment to the next, love is love. Either its there or not. Whether it is or not, the sex can still be spiritually connected, can still be aggressively awesome or softly whatever. Sex is sex. Love is love. Fuck you very much!

These are my opinions. LUCKILY, there is no expert on the matter. When you do find someone with a PhD in Fucking, please let me know. I’d like to be their friend.

You Might Want To Read

What Is Sexuality?

My Erotic Manifesto

Daddy Issues? ~ Sexual Assault Awareness Month

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012

"daddy issues"For years, I assumed I’d have issues with sex because I had experienced sexual abuse. Despite, this assumption, it never happened until recently. Turns out my ex step father never came into the bedroom or other places I shared with men in an intimate setting. That is, as mentioned, until recently. It was only for a moment. I was with a man I’ve been dating. I was intoxicated. I was wearing a mask, it was dark and he sort of became a shadow. This wasn’t new to us except the part about me being intoxicated. I typically don’t mix that with sex. On this particular night, I did. And because my mind was a bit loose and the mask turned him into a shadow, I found it hard to not flashback to my childhood. In the moment it happened, I simply removed the mask so that I could see his face and we continued our evening of inebriation and passion. In all the years I’ve consented to sex, it amazes me that that has been the only issue that has arisen.

I used to think I’d never be happy in relationships. That was when I was depressed, self-destructive and suicidal. I know better now. I’m the best thing someone will ever love. You are too. So even though there is this common assumption that those who have experienced sexual abuse will have “issues” with relationships, dating and sex, that doesn’t mean it has to be your story. There is a whole list of all the things we’re supposedly going to suffer from because of the abuse. That entire list isn’t the story of everyone’s life. And if it is, that’s ok too. Hopefully, you’ll work through all of that.

What I do have a slight issue with is rejected men who assume the rejection originates from my childhood abuse and “daddy issues.”

For example, a married man with a new baby contacted me a few years back. He wanted me to go on a trip with him. He wanted me to flirt with him. He wanted me to send him erotic messages and I’m pretty sure have sex with him. Prior to his marriage, we had a flirtatious friendship but “prior to his marriage” would be the OPERATIVE words. Besides, from what I heard, his marriage wasn’t open. So he was a no. When he tried to contact me and friend me on facebook, I wrote that I wanted NO contact with him. It was the same thing I’d said a few years before that too. I said I was blocking his email and I needed him to leave me alone. Before I saved the “block this asshole” email settings, I got one last email from him.

TO: Sheena LaShay

FROM: Married Man with a Newborn Baby and a Wandering Dick

SUBJECT: Your StepFather Destroyed You.

BODY: I will pray for you. Your bitterness is bigger than you.

That was the email exactly. Well, except I changed his name to protect the GUILTY.

Not too long ago, I recently “ended things” with a man I had gone on three dates with. It just wasn’t going to work out. I thought I was civil and kind in my communication but perhaps that’s not what gets through to people. On one particular morning I received an email from a weird phone number. It was a link to an article on the New York Times. When I realized the article was about a sexual abuse survivor and I had just rejected a man, I put two and two together. I find it sneaky that he didn’t email me from his regular email address. He knew I’d recognize it and probably wouldn’t open it. He also didn’t text me the link either. Again, I would know immediately it was from him. Emailing me via his phone number was a way to ensure I’d probably follow his link. When I realized it was him, I asked him to never contact me again. Later, as I fumed about yet another one of his stunts, I wondered just where did he get off. I had never told him about my abuse. I’m sure he read it on my website. I gave him my website address. But along with reading about my sexual abuse, I’m SURE he had to have read other posts of various topics since I have over 1,000. Seeing as to how I write about EVERYTHING, what prompted this man to send me a link about sexual abuse in an obsure way days after I had rejected him?

Listen, there are going to men and or women who try to use your past against you in various ways. Some will use it as an easy answer as to why you don’t prefer them or outright reject them. Nevermind your sole reason being that THEY ARE MARRIED among many other reasons. Nevermind the fact that you realize you aren’t compatible with this person. Nevermind maybe you just aren’t attracted to them. Nevermind the real reasons for why you say no or never. There are just those out there who are insecure, angry, bitter and upset. They will fling your past at you and call you “destroyed.”

Those people are sad. That’s all I can say about it. I hope when this happens you don’t go down the rabbit’s hole of self blame and doubt. I hope you don’t think, “Is it me?” When someone feels the need to do something like that, its ALL on them. I’m a very self aware person, I know when my “daddy issues” arise. They usually arise when he stalks me and stands right in front of me saying he’s going to pray for me too. He did that last May.  But when a man is ugly, unattractive, married, the cause of drama and has a new baby and I feel the need to say no, it has nothing to do with my “daddy.”

I’m self-aware enough and secure enough, that when the weird mask moment happened with the guy I’m currently dating, I brought it up with him. I didn’t curl into a ball. I didn’t push him away. I didn’t get weird and introspective and refuse to ever have sex again. No, immediately after and even days later, I brought it up with him. The conclusion was that I was never to drink, wear a mask and have sex in the dark. Other than that, all other systems are a go. (And listen, if it were you and you decided to curl up in a ball or never have sex again, more power to you. We each make difference choices. If that’s how you embody a healthy sexuality, then so be it. And if that’s just you working through something, so be it too. For me, I’m all about putting it all out in the open. That’s just where I’m at. We each are different.)

You know, when the married asshole wrote me that email, my pride wanted to send him a seething letter about all of his issues. I wanted to make sure he knew, I felt that none of them had to do with his daddy. I wanted him to know that all his issues were because he was a fucking asshole and there was no one else to blame but himself.  I wanted to write, “You destroyed yourself. And I won’t be praying for you. I wouldn’t waste my breath.”….and so on and so on. I wanted to let my experience and degree in rhetoric come out full force. But again, I’m self-aware to know when my pride rears it’s ugly head. I decided to not dignify his bullshit with a response. I just kept going with my day.

For those who experience similar situations, keep moving. As mentioned in a not so eloquent way, I personally believe these kinds of people to be assholes. If you are apt to pray, pray for them while they are supposedly praying for you. I suppose if everyone’s head is bowed in prayer, the world should become a better place, right? And for those who are rejected or angry and maybe the person who said NO or NEVER has a past of abuse or assault or WHATEVER, before you rush to judgement on the reason why they rejected you, why don’t you just ask them? Maybe it does have to do with their daddy or maybe it has something to do with your marriage?

Has anyone ever thrown this kind of shit in your face? How did you respond? This post itself might lack some grace and decorum, but I’d like to think in the moment, I exercised restraint and gained yet another cool point. :-)

This month is Sexual Assault Awareness month. Every day I’ll be writing all types of posts regarding this issue and my personal experiences.

I create videos as a way to share my story. You can watch three related ones by clicking the titles below.

My Name Is….Sheena LaShay

Sexual Assault Awareness Month – 2010

Sexual Assault Awareness Month – Day of Action 2011

If you are a victim of abuse and assault and you would like to seek help or report your crime, please find all kinds of resources at RAINN.  If you would like to share your story with me privately, be featured this month either publicly or anonymously or you just need an encouraging word, please shoot me an email at SheenaLaShay [at] Gmail [dot] com.

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