I am simply at a loss for words in regards to the significance of this week. I wish I had something encouraging and uplifting to tell you but I do not. I don’t have any eloquence. I don’t have any musings, epiphanies or grand gestures that could bring about change thus wiping us of this tragic epidemic once and for all.

I just know what its like. I know what its like to wake up and have your first thought be, “FUCK! Why didn’t I die in my sleep. WHY AM I STILL HERE? Why am I still breathing.” I thought that almost EVERY day during my sophomore year of college. I was so angry that my heart wouldn’t stop of its own. I felt so empty, dead and void already so I didn’t understand why my heart wouldn’t follow suit. I just wanted to die. I was so over everything. I didn’t want to deal, process, feel or experience. The weight of everything was pushing me and I was so fucking tired. I was hurt. I was in pain. Everything stung. Anything could set me off. I couldn’t catch a hold of anything. I couldn’t sustain satisfaction, centered-ness or contentment.I didn’t give a fuck about any of that.

But I fooled everyone too. There are friends to this day who didn’t know I had attempted suicide in college, multiple times. I remained active. I was involved with theater and dance. I served on the Board of Publications. I was a nanny. I was your seemingly “normal” sophomore girl in college. No one really had a clue. It’s eerily similar to my childhood;  to the fact that I was the “perfect” child in school, in church, in my community and yet NO ONE suspected I was being sexually abused.

I think the problem is that we are waiting for alarms to go off.

We’re waiting for warning signs and clues. We’re waiting to cross off the checklist of what we should be looking out for. And I don’t know that that is helpful all the time. I didn’t exhibit any warning signs to the public of my depression. I lived with three girls who didn’t have a clue what was going on with me. You can’t wait for a red flag to fly to tell you that something is wrong with someone you care about. You also can’t expect them to always reach out for help.

Some of them don’t want your help. They want to die. Some of them have been so conditioned to have all their shit together, that they are afraid to speak out. Some of them have been silenced, abused and mistreated for so fucking long, that they can’t even string together a sentence to say, “I’M NOT OKAY!” They are so use to the pain that they think its normal. Some. Not All.But a lot of SOME.

So I think we have to do a better job of being active in the lives of those we care about. I need to call my sisters and my brother and I need to talk with them OFTEN. I need to ask them questions about their life, about their thoughts and their experiences. I need to be curious and inquisitive and engage them. The same goes for anyone that I care about. It’s on me to reach out and actively love the people in my life. I need to show that I care, that I have ears willing to listen and that I am a safe place for any of my friends to turn. I need to exhibit signs of trustworthiness and openness. I need to make sure those I care about understand that they can be 100% authentically themselves with me. So even if they are having a bad day or thinking dark things, they know they can share that part of themselves with me along with the cheery parts of themselves.

I need to be a sanctuary to my loved ones.

I can’t expect someone to come to me and say, “I’m suicidal and I need help.” More of than not, that is NOT going to happen. MOST people who have taken their lives DID NOT do that and their deaths came as unexpected to most people in their lives. A lot of them DID NOT leave a suicide note.

SO its on ME to be the a sanctuary of safety, openness and love to anyone I care about so that they know they can say WHATEVER they need to say and they will be accepted and loved and held and supported by me.

I think life would be different if we all knew we were COMPLETELY accepted, loved, held and supported in whatever place (emotionally, physically, spirituality, sexually) we were in.

I remember when someone close to me called to tell me about their sexual orientation. I remember my response was, “First, I just want to tell you how brave I think you are for sharing something so personal with me. Not everyone is strong enough to do that and I feel honored that you willingly shared something like this with me. Second, it changes nothing. I know its a big deal for you but for me, it means so little in regards to our relationship. I still love you the exact same way I did before you called. Who you are attracted to has no baring on how amazing and wonderful I know you are. But still, I feel so special that you shared this with me. How courageous of you!”

How awesome would it be if anyone who shared their sexual orientation with people in their lives heard messages like that. And how amazing would it be if people felt comfortable to share any and everything. I wonder what my response would be if someone called me and said, “I’ve been depressed lately and thinking very dark thoughts.”

Even I hold back MOST of my thoughts. I opened a separate personal twitter account to share how I REALLY feel about things because if I said it on my public twitter account, I’d be bombarded by everyone telling me how wrong I was or how bad I was. Sure I have a public blog where I’m open and share my life, but I had to open a private blog to muse on my thoughts regarding sexuality. Because according to the world, it just wouldn’t be completely appropriate to share it in this space. We all edit and censor so much of ourselves because HONESTLY, most people don’t want to experience where you really are and I think its ridiculous. I digress.

For ANYONE in my life who may be experiencing some low points as it relates to WHATEVER, I want you to know that I am here for you. I’m hear to just listen and support you. I will not try to indoctrinate you or preach to you or change or fix you. I’m just here as a place of safety for you to be however you need to be.

I know the world wants us to have it together. We’re supposed to be all spiritual, centered and enlightened. We’re supposed to be healthy, strong, beautiful with a little dose of vulnerability and transparency but only enough vulnerability that shows we’re human but not enough that it shows we are weak and only some transparency because people really only want to see what they want to see and not what’s the actual truth. I know. I know all these standards implied. I feel it too. Everyone wants us to have our shit together. And if its not together, they at least want to know we’re actively working towards getting it all together. And it can just be so fucking exhausting. I get it.

So, if you need a place where you can just let it all out and NOT have it all together; if you need to vent, cry or just be silent and not have to be made to feel awkward because you need that silence, I am here. I am that sanctuary to who ever needs a place of non-judgemental love.

It’s National Suicide Prevention Week. I challenge you to do something about it.

Also watch this video “Suicide Prevention.”

Relevant issues, sites, & topics….

Out of Darkness Overnight Walk AND To Write Love on Her Arms AND American Foundation for Suicide Prevention AND American Association for Suicidology AND Suicide Awareness Voices Education AND Suicide Prevention Resource Center AND The Samaritans of NYC (Suicide Prevention) AND
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

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