Fall of 2001.
Lola to James, “Why does Sheena call you Franklin?”
James looking at me with a smirk, “It’s her pet name for me.”
Winter of Now
This is what you should know about James and I, the majority of the time I had with him was not within the confounds of a relationship. For as close as we were, as intense as the nature of our connection was, our actual official “relationship” endured for only a few months. The demise of it was entirely my fault, absolutely, COMPLETELY but that’s not the story I want to tell today.
Before our relationship began, a huge portion of our friendship was spent seducing one another. Teasing one another, jokingly and sensually. We flirted with each other, brazenly and subtly. We were very passionate about driving the other one so crazy that they would be forced to admit first that they cared for the other. We were a good match for one another because honestly, neither one of us broke first. That night of our first kiss, we both willingly gave in to the attraction.
On further thought, from rereading one of James many emails to me, he usually broke first. And not only was he trying to break me, he was testing me. He once wrote this to me after we finally started dating……
Spring of 2002
Darling,
It was just today that I finally figured out what you meant when you kept telling me how frustrating it was at the museum. I thought I would just stand close to you while looking at the paintings, but now I remember what I was doing. I would come right up to your face and look you in the eyes very intently, then turn away. I was testing your strength all of those times. I knew that you liked me and I wanted to see how you would respond under pressure. It was a test and you passed with flying colors. You didn't show any weakness, regardless of what you were feeling. You came across as a strong individual who couldn't be shaken very easily. I still think you're that strong, even though you say that you're not.
It was important for me to know how strong and independent you were because I've always known that that's the kind of girl that I need. I've had lots of girls who (I'm really not trying to sound arrogant here, but I'm afraid with this subject matter, that is impossible) have had crushes on me, but they all looked up to me too much. They gave me too much power over them and it was a complete turnoff for me. You were different. You liked me, but you didn't openly and flirtily show it in the same way these other girls would. You wouldn't blink when I stared you in the eye, but stared right back, silently challenging me. It was amazing. And you're the same way now. You challenge me and stand up to me. I love it. I don't dominate over you with my intellect or my personality or my force of will like I do other people. It's hard to explain what i'm trying to say. You're just stronger in so many ways than most other people I've met and I really appreciate and love it. This is not to say that sometimes your not weak, we all are, but even in your weakness, you pull through and prove yourself to be strong.
When I would stare at you in the museum, you didn't divert your eyes, hide you face, tell me to go away or anything to avoid the conflict. You merely took the challenge and stared back for as long as I could take. In this sense you won, cause it was always me who turned away wasn't it? It's your strength that I found and still find to be one of your most attractive qualities.
Don't take this email to mean that I always expect you to be strong or that if you're weak in front of me it will be a turnoff or anything like that. We are all weak (even Jesus!) people sometimes. And I'm really happy that you come to me with some of your weaknesses. I receive such satisfaction (I don't think that's the right word. Peace? Fufillment? I don't know) from giving you strength when you need it and I'm so happy that you trust me enough to be weak in front of me.
Thank you for all the times we've had together, both hard and easy. I don't know if this email makes much sense, but it was my thought at the time and I decided to share it with you. Sleep well.
James.
Winter of Now
I think the best way to describe my friendship with James, pre-the first kiss, was one of a Dominant/Submissive type with either of us switching depending on the mood, the occasion or how feisty either of us felt. All of this occurred with no sexual contact. This was all mental, verbal, emotional and just plain crazy but considering I was at Wheaton College, this was the highlight of my freaking freshman year. This man could play mind games that left you melting but I matched him and pushed back and it made for a great time.
“Franklin” came into effect when we noticed our friendship had two distinct parts to it. There was James and Sheena. We were best friends. We stayed up contemplating God, the universe, why bad things happened to good people and the meaning of art and philosophy. He helped me with my depression, my eating disorder and assisted in the beginning parts of my healing regarding my childhood sexual abuse. I helped him too. He was angry at God, mainly because of the death of his sister from a drunk driver. He was disappointed in the world’s materialistic nature. He wanted for something simple and more satisfying. He wanted to help people. He wanted to understand and to be understood. He wanted to be fully seen and fully loved and without judgement, I held him in the highest regard.
This was our friendship. We were close and knew each other well. Sometimes we just didn’t even speak. We could just sit in the same room and our connection was undeniable. Along with Lola, he was my saving grace my freshman year and he meant the world to me. I cherished my friendship with him. Hell, we prayed together. He yelled at God for me. He read my bad poetry and gave gracious critiques. He believed in me when I didn’t even think I was worth it. And I adored him. I thought he was such an amazing man. I loved his thoughts. I enjoyed his intellect. I couldn’t wait to see him again, eat a meal with him, or share my thoughts or jokes with him. That was one side of our friendship; a deep, loving, pure connection which, once we became a couple, that was the side of our friendship that continued to grow and blossom and for that I’m grateful.
But then, there was this other side of our friendship and it was naughty. It was salacious, flirtatious and full of yumminess. I supposed at Wheaton, you really don’t have an outlet for exploring your sensuality, your sexuality or your seductive ways. Really you should be praying and saving starving children in Africa but sometimes you need to play. And with James… let me correct myself…with Franklin, I played.
This part of our friendship, God, what can I say. I would send him these scathing, seductive, suggestive letters and emails. I would tease him so much. He would do the same. He’d come up behind me. Whisper something ABSOLUTELY naughty in my ear, stand there until his cologne lingered into my inhales and then just walk away. We did this to each other. We’d make inappropriate jokes. We’d call each other horrible, yummy names. I don’t even know how to explain this.
This part of us was SO different from our “normal”, deep and meaningful friendship. One day, over breakfast, you’d have James and Sheena, talking about philosophy. But then later that night as we sat in the lobby until the sun came up, there would be a switch of personas.
To maintain our sanity, we decided to name this part of our friendship. It was easy to decide. Our normal selves were James and Sheena. This game of seduction was between Franklin and LaShay. (Also, our middle names.) Once we gave name to this part of us, it went from a level 10 to 100 because then we could blame everything on Franklin and LaShay. We didn’t have to worry about lines being blurred. It could be that one a particular morning James had prayed with me or we had gone to church and on the drive home talked about “christians of faith” versus “christians of hope” but by dinner time, he was commanding me on what I could and could not do and how exactly I was to do it whether it was how I ate or what i wrote. If we ever questioned it or if someone wonder what the hell was going on, we could simply say, “Oh that’s Franklin.” Or “That’s just LaShay.” I emailed him so much as “LaShay” that he had to open another email account dedicated solely to the relationship between Franklin and LaShay. I’m sure hotmail has since destoryed it but I’d pay money to read those messages now. I only kept the ones between James and Sheena.
This thing between us that manifested as Franklin and LaShay was wonderful and fun…at first. While others may never understood it, at first it gave us an outlet for our attraction to one another before we were ready to do anything about it. On the flip side, as time progressed, both of us were able to cowardly blame our true desires on Franklin and LaShay. So even an authentic moment of attraction and connection, when acknowledged, would just be blamed on LaShay mishaving and not Sheena just wanting James. It got sticky. I definitely got annoyed. His flirtations increased. I wanted to scream at him. But it was also fun and silly and made for great conversation.
It probably was a prelude to what could have been an amazing relationship. There are many what ifs and things that changed everything. Six months after we started dating, I abruptly ended things for numerous reasons. Years later, even if we had reconciled, he died. I can only imagine, considering our chemistry and attraction even before our first kiss, our role playing and the utter grace with which he cared for me during our relationship, that had time and maturity on my part been on our side, we would have had quite a historic romance, love affair and life together.
I look back at the memories of Franklin and LaShay with so much joy. At a time in my life when repression was the name of the culture and women were to blame of the sexual downfalls of men, I had a friend, a male friend that played flirtatious games with me that always kept me on my toes and thirsty for me. James Franklin was ahead of his time. He set the tone for much of my life now. My taste in arts & culture, my own sexuality and sensuality, how I view relationships & love and the true concept of being seen with grace, compassion and pure love. Both James and Franklin were and are awesome and I will always cherish those memories!
Do you have a James in your life?
Also, the flirt in me wants to know, do you have a Franklin?
James licked my nose. I believe that was the day our friendship went to another level.
