On December 23, 2010, I wrote “Hoping for a Year of Magical Living.” An excerpt. “I’m going to need 2011 to be death proof for me. I really need ONE YEAR where no one close to me dies. I’d more so like a Year of Magical Living instead. EVERY YEAR I have gone to a funeral or mourned the loss of a friend or family member since I was about 14 years old. So I’m just asking for one year. Just a reprise for one year, where I don’t have to process the death of someone I know. I am pleading, for my own sanity and peace of mind…let me have one year where it doesn’t happen. I don’t think that is a lot to ask for. And although I don’t like people having a sense of “entitlement”, I think I am ENTITLED to a year of living. Let me lose my mind, let me lose my way but please don’t let me lose another love. I feel like I’m the woman who never leaves the beach in “Trojan Women”. I don’t know that I have any cloak left to cover another dead body in my life.
My plea was out of desperations and heart ache. These people, who are so dear to me, were not mine to lose in the first place. They were not mine. They are not mine. And death is not permanent like we think. And energy cannot be created nor destroyed. And death is constant and always. I know this. I know this! I get it. What I think I needed was a breather. Even though death is as natural as life, the emotion of grief and the process of healing take a toll on the psyche. It affects your body. It affects your heart in ways you never imagine. I needed a moment of stillness in my grief. I needed time to heal and to mend the pieces. That is what I experienced last year. A stillness and slight movement forward in the role of grief in my life. I needed time to properly mourn.
I was reading on The Jewish Virtual Library and these bits resonated with me…..
Mourning practices are extensive, but they are not an expression of fear or distaste for death. These mourning periods allow the full expression of grief.
All I can say is that I am grateful for a year of mourning, expression and healing. Sometimes, we just need a fucking break. I hope you have your year of magical living.
To learn the stories of some of the people that I love, click the links below.
Grandma Veola
Tinu Olateju
James Franklin Pyles
Maura DeSouza
Grief Playlist
(I play these in my melancholy or grieving)
Gettysburg by Sara Knox
Gravedigger (acoustic) by Dave Matthews
Devil’s Thunder by Rachael Cantu
Coming Home by Lizz Wright
A Storm is Going to Come by Piers Faccini
People Get Ready by Eva Cassidy
Make It Home Tonight by Jenn Grant
Jane, I Still Feel the Same by Matthew Ryan
Run Devil Run by Jenny Lewis
Troubled Waters by Cat Powers
“The Boneyard Prayer” preshow playlist by Redmoon
