“My first overnight guest. I’m nervous. Why do I feel the need to go to Martha Stewart’s website and find a cookie recipe and make a center piece.” ~ SLY on facebook.
A few weeks ago, I hosted my first official New York house guest and after seeing them off, it made me think of my past experiences with roommates, future house guest and my love affair with living alone.
My house guest were very good house guest. So much so that I invited them to come back again. However while working out our various arrangements, it made me realize how I cherish not having to answer to anyone. While I am not a selfish person by nature, when it comes to my home life, I am the Queen of Selfish. I reign supreme and my word is GOSPEL. Thus the need for me to NEVER have a roommate even if my life depended on it.
I remember one night discussing with my guest how we would handle their final day. “Well what time do you need to get in the bathroom,” one of the ladies asked. I was taken aback by that. There are designated times?, I thought. I haven’t had to think about that in well over a year. Even when staying with Mr. Officer, I don’t know, we just seem to seamlessly work together perfectly! He usually wakes before me and either he takes a shower or he starts the shower for me with the towels folded and ready. (God, he’s just the perfect man for me.) Or we shower together. No schedules needed.
“Um, well, I get up at 7 and I brush my teeth and wash my face. So I just need ten minutes in the bathroom,” I said. (I take my showers the night before in case you were wondering.) From that information, they worked out who would get up first and do what. I thought to myself, “I couldn’t do this on a daily basis. Think about who needs to get in the bathroom when.”
Plus, I hate sharing a bathroom. Absolutely hate it. I am abnormally anal about loose hair in the shower, on the floor, in the sink. The sight of it makes me want to VOMIT! Even if its my own hair. So having to consistently share a bathroom with someone would just freak me out. It’s just so much stress involved for me.
I also know how I treat my belongings. There are certain utensils I use with certain pots because they are made a certain way. I never let the Brita become empty. I never run out of paper towels. Everything is where it is because I left it just so. All those things change when you have roommates. In order for me to live comfortably, those things can NOT change.
I am also anally clean. “Sweep. Swiffer. Swiffer. Mop.” My friend Dexter laughs at me. But until I find a sustainably clean way to do this, this is the method I use to clean my floors. I sweep first. Then I swiffer. Then I swiffer AGAIN. Then I mop. Then I feel okay about the world. The thought of living with someone who creates more of a mess on the floor or wouldn’t clean like I clean..NO, I just can’t even think about it.
Even though my home has always been clean, I use to dread dating men because their homes were NEVER clean. I felt like I’d catch a disease by using their bathrooms and I’d never eat anything out of their kitchen. Well, Mr. Officer…is just always the exception to the rule. God designed him specifically for me. He is very clean. I can walk on his floors barefoot and not even think about it. After his dog goes outside, he wipes his paws off before he enters the house!
During the beginning part of our relationship I remember visiting him. At one point I found myself leaning on his white walls. “Unless you plan on cleaning those walls, I suggest you get off them,” he said. That might annoy you. That was POETRY to me. It was the most romantic thing anyone has ever said. It was pure Shakespeare. It was a sonnet, a love letter, a freaking song from heaven. It was literally the sweetest thing to hear. To know how anal I am towards cleanliness, it was and is a joy to be with someone who is more clean than me. I love that man so freaking much!
I wrote about the joy of living by myself and the old habits I had to break before it in Creating Sacred Space ~ Year in Review. Read it if you have time.
Some people love having roommates or others can only afford their apartment if there are roommates. While I do pay more in rent, I pay less in emotions, stress, time and energy spent towards conflict management, negotiations, problem solving and therapy. 
I also pay a LOT less in utilities. I went from having to pay 1/3 on a $130 electricity bill to paying a $15 one!
If you must live with roommates, I have a few suggestions. I’ll do a post another time of roommates of the romantic sort but this is just for platonic roommates. Trust me, considering my MANY roommate problems, some due in part to me…I may be a slight expert on the subject matter.
If you have a choice, live with people who have a similar philosophy and way of living that you do. I believe in conserving energy, I believe in turning lights out, I believe in unplugging unused appliances from the wall. I believe this is why I have $15 utility bills. Unfortunately, if you live with someone who’s priorities are not aligned with your, you will find a source of conflict. If, in another life I had to live with a roommate, I would be sure to ask them about their sustainable habits. That is one philosophy that’s important to me. Working on that with Mr. Officer is another story. Just read When Love Isn’t Green.
If you or your roommate are social butterflies and entertain at home quite a lot, have a guest free day once a week or once a month. My last round of roommates had friends over often and so did I. Our apartment was the cutest place amongst all our friends and there was space for everyone. What worked out well was that we enjoyed each other’s friends and we also had roommate nights too. However I had one roommate once who wanted her boyfriend over EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK. Eventually I asked her if we could have at least ONE DAY a week where I didn’t have to see his annoying face. (As fate would have it, they broke up and she went on to marry someone else and have his baby.)
Discuss with your roommates the issues you are not willing to compromise on and heed their list too. When I moved in with one set of roommates they discussed how they all shared each other’s food. Everything was free for all. I took a look at the cabinet and the fridge and looked at them like they were crazy. Their “food” consisted of soda, chips, and god knows what. I buy organic food. I like gelato. I drink almond milk. Why would I pay over $100 worth of food to share with those who eat completely different than me for snacks that cost $20. Really, you share your chips and I share my gelato? Get outta here! (Now, I share when asked. That’s never an issue. But just an open policy of take whatever you want because all food is equal. NO – That’s a lie!)
Discuss respect and common courtesy. How do you want to be treated? I once lived with a roommate who was same sex oriented. Therefore while we interviewed third roommates we found subtle and obvious ways to find out just how respectable the new roommate would be. If they mentioned they went to church, we’d ask how comfortable they were living with someone with an alternative lifestyle whether that be sexually or spiritually, (since spiritually, I was a whore at that point. Dipping and dabbing in every version of God there was.) Or it might be a good idea to talk about not sharing what happens in the house with those outside the house. Or just a note to myself…never live with someone you work with because your business will always end up in the break room at work.
Develop a cleaning schedule…discussing cleanliness is not enough. I’ve found the best thing that works for me is to outline the various communal areas that need to be cleaned. Kitchen. Bathroom. Living Room. Dining Room. Etc. As a group, discuss with your roommates a schedule that suits everyone towards keeping the home clean. Also review exactly what it means for that area to be considered clean. Don’t just say clean the kitchen. Have bullet points that say, wipe counter down, sweep and mop floor, wipe stove off…etc. Make sure you all have the same set of standards when developing this list.
Discuss the use of alcohol, drugs or other substances. With one set of roommates the rule was no drugs. No marjiana. And absolutely no smoking inside the apartment. Although we permitted hookah. We actually had three hookahs! Alcohol didn’t matter. Although I once lived with an alcoholic and it was very hard. VERY HARD. I’ve never seen it so up close like that before. That’s a story for another day.
Divide the bills or create online accounts. I don’t like to owe anyone any money. Once, I had a roommate who kept all the bills in their name and would tell me what I owed…without letting me see the bill. This only happened ONCE because I wasn’t born yesterday. Turned out the bill was for the previous month before I even moved in. I didn’t owe anything on that! My remedy is either have a bill in everyone’s name, although its not my favorite. OR have online logins for each bill and everyone log on to pay their portion ON TIME! For my last set of roommates that worked out perfectly. Every month I would put a chart up of the total of every bill and divided it between the three of us. I also kept a separate sheet up that listed the website for every bill, the login info and account number. It made is simple and no one owed anyone anything.
STUFF, STUFF and MORE STUFF. I once lived with three other girls during college and I remember telling them they were welcomed to my closet anytime. Actually that was my rule for every roommate in college except the one who stole my clothes before I had a chance to let her borrow them. In order for them to know that, we had to have the discussion of how our personal stuff would be managed. While I don’t mind people using my closet, I want someone to ask to use my computer. While you’re more than welcomed to eat my vegetables in the fridge, don’t you dare touch my gelato or bubble gum ice cream. HOW DARE YOU! Talk with your roommates about how specific you are regarding the use of your stuff! It’s important.
Listen, since I’ve graduated in 2005, I’ve lived in over 12 apartments. That’s right, TWELVE. And since college I’ve had too many roommates to count. Most of those situations dissolved negatively. I’ve learned that YOU SHOULD NOT LIVE WITH ME. Unless you are just like me..to which I probably wouldn’t be able to stand you. Thus. I live alone.
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I’ve experienced the roommate who’s boyfriend moved in and would not leave on multiple occasion. TOO MANY to count.
I’ve experienced a roommate who I also worked with and tried to bring ALL my business to work too. That didn’t go over to well when I had to put her in her place. I also have to check myself. Don’t live with colleagues, Sheena.
I’ve lived with the messy roommate who had a nasty cat whose little box was in the living room and they wouldn’t change it except once a month sometimes.
I’ve lived with a roommate who had low self-esteem and that translated into a temporary dissolve of our friendship. Note to Sheena, don’t live with whack jobs…you yourself are already a handful.
I’ve lived with a roommate who’s fiance was a convicted drug dealer, threatened me with a gun and was upset because I didn’t want to mentor his child.
I’ve lived with all sorts of people. Some of these people I knew for years but had no clue who they were when at home. You just never know until you live with someone. Some of these people were family. Some I had only recently met. I’ve dealth with all sorts!
When dealing with roommates from the beginning, make sure you are blunt and honest. Everyone should feel comfortable at home. No one’s interest is more important than the other.
Also, every now and then…exercise a little grace. I don’t believe in compromise for very specific reasons. But I do believe in grace.
If you are anything like me though, live alone. You will be happier, nicer and keep more friends that way. You live and learn and then it makes for a good story much later.
