I’ve written quite a bit about my experiences with grief and loss as it relates to Tinu. While there is a tab to the right that links to all the post written about her, it may be easy for some of you to see all those post within here with all of their various links.

Here is the journey of my story as it relates to her. Click each title to read the full post. It will open in a separate window.

Death in the Family – We have suffered a loss and have gathered in Minnesota to make arrangements.

Thoughts of a Plane to Minnesota – Lola called me twice. I believe it was 5am Eastern Standard Time. There are no words for what I heard. I heard her soul crack. I heard her wail out.

Grace As Bis As A Bag – Dear random lady who judged me for having a bag too big as I went to support a dear friend in need, I’m sorry the size of my bag pissed you of. I wish only the size of your grace could measure up. Perhaps the world would be a better place and kids wouldn’t kill themselves.

An Open Letter to the Dead – People say we have to live with our choices. But you made a choice and we are living with it. Other people live with our choices too. I never considered that when I was depressed years ago.

The Straw that Broke the Camel’s Back – The small group of us surrounding Lola, we are emotionally drained. We are tired. We are frazzled. We are sad and we keep forgetting to eat.

Golden Adornment – I’ve never had to pick jewelry for the dead and that’s how the day started. Sunday. Land in Minnesota. Pick up rental car. Meet Lola at Mall of America. Pick jewelry for the dead. Don’t break down at Macy’s. Things are too pretty here. They probably have a fire evacuation procedure but there’s no standard protocol for mental breakdown due to grief.

My Heart is Fighting My Mind – When I wake up from the two hours of sleep that I get, I feel like someone beat the hell out of me the night before. Perhaps its my mind fighting my heart. My mind is all, “Be strong. Don’t be a wimp. Keep your shit together.” And my heart is all, “Just let me break down here. Let me wallow.”

Rotating the Breakdowns – Assisting your best friend in the planning and executing the funeral of her baby sister doesn’t work like the normal checklist. You don’t get to write something down, do the task and cross it off. Between each task we have to leave room for someone to breakdown.

Home is Where the Heart Is - I mentioned in a previous post how difficult it was to go inside of the Olateju’s family home. What was once a vibrant home seemed desolate and in need of some loving care and a powerful loving spirit. I was heartbroken to think my last memories of the place would involve sorting through Tinu’s belongings to prepare for the funeral. I didn’t want that to be my last memory.

A Letter to the Living: Whenever You Miss Tinu – I find solace in knowing that energy can not be created or destroyed. It manifest itself in many ways, in glorious ways, in ways we can not even fathom.  This energy is comprised of God. And that energy is here. Tinu is ALWAYS.

Burying the Dead – I’m not sure that my heart can fully mend after this. I’m sure it can heal but there will be scars along the places it ripped into a million pieces.

An Open Letter to the Dead, Number Two – Tinu, you were so wonderful, so phenomenal, so amazing that the very earth cried for you today.

Breathe Life Into Every Moment – What we need to do is shift our focus on breathing life and love into every moment of every day. If we treat every moment as if it were sacred, if we treated every living thing as if they were holy…we’d leave little room for many of the mental illnesses and utter despair that people feel.

A Physical Manifestation of Guilt – This guilt is taking over my body and I’m afraid its gonna swallow me whole. I don’t know how to be who I was before. My life has shifted.

What You Should Not Ask – The fact is it doesn’t matter HOW she did it. She could have done it a million different ways. It doesn’t change the fact that she did it. Tinu took her own life. Something happened in her heart and her mind and in her soul that she felt that was her only choice at the time.

An Open Letter to the Dead, Number Three - I’ve been trying to find a different perspective to have in regards to your death. The first is just utter sadness. I tell myself to acknowledge the pain. I can’t let it cripple me. I can’t avoid it. I can’t go around it. I have to go through it.

Shopping Malls & Teenage Girls – We were all in a mall shopping for what we would wear to the funeral. The scene in and of itself is bizarre to me. Sad shopping sucks. While people are looking for dresses for a date or job interview we were looking for the appropriate attire for a funeral.

I Go Back to Nature – I find that in times like these, I need to go back to nature. I have to find a way to ground myself. My spirit. My emotions. My flesh. My mind. My heart. Because its all racing and twirling and beating. If I get caught up, I will forget to breathe. And sweetheart, that does not honor you.

Suicide Prevention Awareness Month – NO matter what is going on, you can manage it. You can set the course for your life. If you focus on the here and now, just breathing you will see that you are alright.

A Perspective on Depression – I once had a virus in the system restore of my computer. This meant that any effort to restore my computer to any previously backed up state was a moot point. The virus lived in the system restore. My computer was fucked. I lost everything else. In my experience, the same thing can be said for those suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts & tendencies.

Tinu Sparkles: A Walk in Honor of Tinu - I received an email a few days ago and i would really like to share with you the information I have come across. It is in regards to Tinuola Olateju and something beautiful her friends are doing in honor of her.

Update: Tinu Sparkles - A few days ago I wrote about a small group of Tinu’s friends who were participating in an Out of Darkness walk in her honor for Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. Their group was called Tinu’s Sparkles. One of her best friend’s mother contacted me sharing information about the walk and even some stories regarding their experiences visiting Tinu’s grave.

Suicide Prevention: One Thing You Can Do - A video blog.

You Will Find Rest for Your Weary Soul – Nothing is as it should be. My heart is heavy. This has changed me. A bit of my shape has shifted. My soul holds a lament and there is no language on earth that could translate it into understanding.

Six Months and Still Tender - Tinu you altered things inside of me. I thought maybe I was almost done growing up and now I see I still have so much work to do. My heart is heavy. It carries you.

Remembering – Sometimes I try not to think of you because I find I can’t breathe. And I feel bad for writing that but I know I have to acknowledge this in order to move through it.

Hoping for a Year of Magical Living – I’m going to need 2011 to be death proof for me. I really need ONE YEAR where no one close to me dies. Seriously, I just need one year. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. I’d more so like a Year of Magical Living instead.

Happy Birthday Tinuola Olateju – I’m just a little too sad and you were a little too young and the way in which you left was a little too tragic.

At A Loss for Words – The weight of losing you was so hard pressed against us.

At A Loss – I just cried. I cried until I sobbed. I sobbed until I convulsed. Then I could not breathe. I could not think. I could not do anything. I could not process. I could not comprehend any of this. I broke into so many pieces and I am still trying to find some of the shards.

Share/Bookmark