Last year, at this exact moment, I was in a very surreal place. Having just heard the news that Tinu had taken her life, I laid in my bed and cried for hours. I had so many plans for that day. A friend was suppose to come to my house and hang out. I was suppose to meet another friend for brunch. There was a party to go to later that night. A movie to see. A project to prepare for at work. I was just proceeding with my day but in the wee hours before the sun had even risen, I got the call from Lola.
We had lost Tinu. Tinu was gone.
I just cried. I cried until I sobbed. I sobbed until I convulsed. Then I could not breathe. I could not think. I could not do anything. I could not process. I could not comprehend any of this. I broke into so many pieces and I am still trying to find some of the shards.
I am always amazed at how in one moment every thing changes. And you don’t even know. You don’t know that as you lay down to sleep, you’ll get a call hours later about this. You have no clue that as you fall asleep there is a struggling teenager who’s utterly hopeless. You just don’t fucking know.
And you wake up in the morning and every thing has changed.
As much as I’ve tried, my writing has been inconsistent this month. I noted it towards the beginning of this month when I developed the journal prompts for “At A Loss.” I knew the anniversary of Maura’s death was coming up and Tinu’s. And next month its James’s anniversary and Maura’s birthday. So my writing tapered off.
Sometimes when you are “At A Loss,” you just don’t have anything to give. The only thing I can muster is to support my friend Lola, maintain my sanity and eat my breakfast.
The fact that I managed to eat breakfast, shower, and clean is a testament that we as humans are resilient and can survive. That even when the world falls apart, at the very least even when we don’t try, we will keep breathing.
We loss Tinu exactly one year ago. I’d like a moment of silence, another year of mourning and for Jeremiah to sing that song again. I think it was something about angels or maybe something about Jesus. Some one, sing for Tinu. Sing for her, for the Olateju’s and selfishly, please sing for me too.
February 15, 1995 – May 29, 2010
Click Tinu’s name above or the tab on the right hand side with her name to read all my writings about her and this process of grief and loss.
Also watch this video “Suicide Prevention.”
Facebook Group: In Loving Memory of Tinuola Olateju AND R.I.P Tinu
Relevant issues, sites, & topics….
Out of Darkness Overnight Walk AND To Write Love on Her Arms AND American Foundation for Suicide Prevention AND American Association for Suicidology AND Suicide Awareness Voices Education AND Suicide Prevention Resource Center AND The Samaritans of NYC (Suicide Prevention) AND
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
